Welsh/Scottish | Jamaican/Sierra Leonean
My Dad is half African and half Jamaican. His Mother was Jamaican and his Dad came from Sierra Leone which for a lot of people at that time was quite unusual, I'm told. My Mother is part Welsh and part Scottish. However, both my parents were born in England. They were young, rebelling and up to no good when they met. My Mum was running away from a household of control and manipulation and my Father was running away from the stereotypes and pressures placed upon him being a young Black boy in Thamesmead, surrounded by lots of racism. I have heard they first spoke over the phone and got along like a house on fire. They met in real life and I suppose the rest is history. My Dad was stealing cars or winning karaoke competitions to make ends meet while my Mum was pregnant with me. I'm sure that it was a very romantic nineties love story at the time but it all sounds a bit chaotic to me!
I couldn't physically hide the fact I was mixed. It's hard to do that when you're one of the only mixed-race faces in a sea of White faces. But I definitely tried to hide behind a foundation too light for me, fashion choices I didn't like but would make me blend, straightening my hair to make it swish, changing my accent etc.
I also used to feel so disconnected from the African side of my heritage that I wouldn't tell people about it. I would say I was half Jamaican because for a long time that was a more desirable and popular heritage to have. I felt that because I didn't know enough about my culture it was harder to be proud of it. Whereas, I had grown up around a lot more Jamaican cultures through my sibling's Father and family friends. I now look back and can't believe I ever used to deny such a large part of me.
My Grandmother has strong opinions which are often racist, homophobic, ableist etc. She is a White Scottish lady who comes from money and has never had to struggle. She is so far removed from my experience and has a limited grasp of the real world because she hasn't worked for over 40 years and does not have many friends. She openly sneers at Black culture (unless it's Wilson Pickett or Marvin Gaye, or Trevor MacDonald, you know, the good ones) and has always reminded me that western features are more attractive. She used to cut the knots from my 'difficult' hair. However, she is the family member that has looked after me and loved me the most. That is hard. To know that she loves me inherently but does not like all of me. Her open disdain and dislike for Meghan Markle put so much into perspective for me. She could not give me a single reason for it and it made me feel changed in her eyes.
My Black Grandmother did not want anything to do with me. I lived 10 minutes down the road from her for the first 11 years of my life and only ever saw her once. She did not agree with her son having a baby with a White woman. Our one meeting was strained, awkward and forced. I only wanted to impress her and please her. I don't think I did either. I felt so detached from her and it gave me such difficulties with my identity. One side of me wants me but cannot accept me for everything I am, the other side does not want me but is more relatable. My Black Grandmother was so light skinned and I feel we shared so many features so why did she hate me?
I also spent a long time trying to live up to whatever stereotype was placed on me. I just wanted to please the people around me. I would speak a certain way, behave a certain way if the situation warranted it and ignored my true purposes and morals. I wouldn't show how painful micro-aggressions were for me as I didn't want to upset anyone, I didn't want to further isolate myself.
These things have been some of the biggest challenges for me, navigating the journey of self-realisation around either Black or White people who cannot or do not want to understand my experience. I remember being called a racial slur by a Black lady and spat on when I was a child. But I also remember being called a racial slur by a White lady when I asked for the time. I felt so lost and angry. I wanted to be one or the other, definitely not a mix. I wanted a place where I felt I fit. It wasn't until a good few years later when I started to connect with more mixed people who had shared similar experiences as me that I started to find a more comfortable place. That comfortable place started with them and then seeped out into how I moved through the world. I now feel so incredibly lucky to be mixed and to have had the experiences I have had. I feel that I see the world through a lens of consideration and kindness. Not that others of single heritage can't do this, but I do feel it has made me feel more able to see other struggles and empathise with outsiders. I feel so strongly about protesting the rights of all marginalised communities, not just the issues that affect me. The challenge of accepting myself was a large one but one I did conquer.
I also think that my mixed-race heritage has made me open my eyes to other mixed-race heritages which are not just Black and White. I hate how other mixes are not heard or brought to the forefront. This is a big positive for me as I feel it has made me so aware of other's stories that aren't always told. This is why Mixedracefaces is such an important and informative platform to break the stereotypes and elevate the voices of diversity.
I have been to Scotland and Wales but never to the Black side of my heritage. It is something I plan to do within the next five years. I still am worried about how I will be received in these countries; I still ponder on whether I will feel othered and still isolated and it unnerves me. I suppose I am so used to feeling ostracized by White people when they are the majority but I worry about how it will damage me to feel that way when the majority are Black, more like me and I STILL am not accepted. But I won't let this presumptuous anxiety destabilise me. I want to connect with my native countries and discover more about my ancestors.
The attitudes towards mixed-race people have definitely changed! It seems to be the most fashionable and trendy thing now. It seems like everyone wants the inclusivity and ambiguity that being mixed can sometimes bring. This is so different to ten years ago when the Black or mixed-race aesthetic just wasn't 'in'. Many people see this as a good thing, as if it hints towards a less racist society when in fact I think it points to how much progress we still need to make. It is not nice to be fetishized because the systems of power which hold me back are still in place regardless of how pretty someone thinks I am.
If I had the opportunity to be reborn I would like to return as a cat in a UK household. I don't even like cats but I think they just have the best life. They get to lounge around, eat all day and play. They don't have the companionship pressures of a dog but are still adored by humans and shown so much love. I think being a cat would be much more simple and fulfilling than being an adult!!
My partner is of mixed heritage and it was the first time I had ever felt equal and comfortable in a relationship, knowing that I could express myself without judgement or misunderstandings. I feel as though we had similar experiences which we could discuss and explore together. I also found this with his sisters and my other friends who were mixed-race. Despite growing up in different place, at different times we could all relate to the mixed experiences and the nuances within it. It makes me feel so seen and heard and safe. I can't wait to continue to connect with people of all mixes. There is so much to explore and learn.
When I went to the Poetic Unity spoken word event I was told they were doing a competition for Black History Month and I felt compelled to write my version of Black British history and how that felt as a mixed-race person. It was nerve wracking as I always feel that when I bring up problems in the White community alongside problems in the Black community that I am looked at as a race traitor, a turncoat when in fact I am being a reflection of myself- balanced. I often explore my racial identity through poetry as the blank page is my safe space.
I think I have managed my wellbeing in different ways. Some positive and progressive, and others potentially just as a coping vice! I have really taken more time to invest in myself which is something that has probably been a long time coming. By this I mean, making sure that I’m doing things for myself and going to therapy once a week. It has been challenging but so enlightening at the same time. This has meant I’ve been able to discuss and explore my well being further as well as manage it. I recommend therapy to everyone, whether they think they have issues or not. It has been such an impactful part of my life thus far and I feel like it's been making ground-breaking differences for me.
I also have been indulging in things that really make me happy, mainly reading and watching trashy TV! Reading has always been a place of escape for me, my mind can travel the world and get lost in the perils of someone else's life as opposed to my own. I have found comfort in reading books since I was a small child and feel it really helps me manage my wellbeing as it is a calm activity, a mindful and thoughtful activity that requires your consideration as well as your concentration.
I have felt conflicted. I know where my thoughts stand on racism, I know I want it to be completely eradicated and I want my children to grow up in an environment where they are taught to love the colour of their skin, their facial features and potential quirks. However, I have often found the conversation so divisive and difficult. I feel the anger, I honestly do but I don't think that punishing or guilt tripping the average person is going to get the results we want. I have had so many challenging conversations with people and I think being a mixed-race person has increased the regularity of this. I have felt as though both Black and White counterparts feel more comfortable to garner opinions from me, without consideration of how that makes me feel. In one sense, I am told due to the privilege my lighter skin gives me that I have no place to discuss issues of racism but on the other hand I am see as the oracle of racial issues. It all depends where I am and who is asking the questions. It's confusing and it's isolating. I don't feel like many people want to hear my perspective because, like most things for me, it doesn't fit into a neat box.