Spanish/Indian Guyanese | English
It’s interesting as my Grandad always taught me ‘know who you are, because if there was a race war which side would pick you’. This didn’t settle until many years later when I started to understand how the world perceives me and people that look like me. I am of dual ethnicities the world has never viewed me as that and I have been treated and perceived as a ‘Black’ person. During this pandemic I have felt more connected to my Black heritage than ever and use my voice actively. Having a mixed family the tensions have been high, there’s been conflicts, identity confusion, ignorance, you name it! We are mixed in shades, life experience and political opinions that’s for sure. It's sad learning the views of family members who are unable to understand and also worrying, but it has motivated me to educate people and keep the conversation going!
My Mum and Dad were both born in England, my Grandparents on my Dad’s side were born in Guyana and my Grandparents on my Mum's side were born in England. They met through my Nan in Tottenham!
There were times I’d hide I was Indian when I was younger as it was easier than dealing with the micro aggressions and ‘jokes’. I didn’t realise till my twenties that I’d been racist to myself in order to fit in. I had terrible identity issues growing up. I used to tell different versions of my truth to fit in with anybody, always highlighting I’m half White! I suppose back then that made me feel more worthy. It took a long time of reflecting and analysing to retrain my thinking and embrace my cultures. But even now I sometimes lie as it’s easier than having to explain who you are to strangers, it’s often tiresome, especially when their responses are usually confusion, fascination or disappointment they didn’t guess correctly.
Being multicultural and an actor is hard because I have never fit into a category, casting directors could never pinpoint me, I didn’t look Black enough, I didn’t look Indian enough, I didn’t look mixed-race enough, I was never enough and it was infuriating because I was all of it but it meant nothing. I believe the main core challenge with my identity is coming to terms with how a Black person is perceived, how a Black person is treated and loving all of me anyway and silencing out all those voices that tell you you’re not enough.
However having a mixed family of all religions and races contributed and made me the person I am today who is open-minded, loving to all and accepting of all possibilities! I have communities I feel supported by and I don’t feel alone, I feel a part of something.
I visited Guyana about five years ago to bury my Grandfather, I never thought I needed to go there but my Grandad always told me great tales! When I arrived in George Town I immediately found this inner peace with myself, a land with people who looked just like me! The mixes of all nationalities, mixes I’d never seen! I finally made sense. I understood all of who I was.
My family was a mix of Catholics, Rastafarians and Muslims. There were always different dynamics on each side of my family and it was something that I quickly adapted to and became my normal. With my Guyanese Nan we often cooked together and bonded through our culture that way. My other Nan Had a stronger connection to Jamaica after she remarried so we were always cooking Caribbean dishes together. My family who were Rastas often spoke, danced and listened to reggae and talked about the world. It wasn’t till I was about 18/19 that I started really taking a strong interest in who I was and my culture and now I go out of my way to go to reggae events or academic lectures on Black history, so it’s always an opportunity to meet people and connect!
I definitely think if you’re White you can bring a Black boyfriend home now without it being too controversial. Having mixed-race babies has become the new designer babies. Being mixed-race or looking mixed-race seems to have become more of a fetish and fashion in the last five years and I don’t necessarily know if that is the right way forward.
If I had the opportunity to be reborn I’d like to return as me, with all my past knowledge, to continue the work I am here to do! I still don’t have a title or description of myself I feel comfortable with, removing the colonial bounds and labels has been a part of my process of coming to peace with the fact I cannot be simplified into one or two of their simplified boxes. I am more than that.
I actually don’t know anyone that’s got the exact same mix as me, though if I ever find someone that’s Guyanese I can’t help but get excited because there’s not actually many of us and it’s always like a nice moment of connection. I used to hate that there was no one like me but now with a greater understanding of the world everyone is mixed whether they like it or not. I don’t know if it directly affects my poetry topically but my life experience of having a multicultural upbringing has contributed to my narrative when I’m writing my experience or the way I perceive other experiences. I definitely want to write a love letter to Guyana at some point. I just don’t have the words yet.
Prioritising my mental health has been key in my managing my wellbeing over the pandemic. Having time to sit, think and reflect gave me the opportunity to be more grateful for the simple things in my life and not drown in all the horror of the state of the world. There are days full of worry or anger but I no longer fear anymore, and that has been freeing to not be scared of what’s to come but embrace it.