Welsh | Indian
My parents met at university in London, they were both medical students and my Dad was doing a demonstration on a patient and made everyone laugh. My Mum thought he seemed a bit arrogant at first but when they all went to a social event later they started to fall in love. My Dad had followed the wishes of his parents by becoming a doctor, but it feels like he then rebelled against a lot of their other ones. Being with a White woman who’s fiery and the opposite of what his Mum wished for, I think it was part of his rebellion, as well of course that they did fall in love.
When my Mum was pregnant with my older brother and then with me, my Indian Grandma told her our names had to be Muslim. My Grandma gave her a book of names to choose from, and she remembers looking for ones that could easily be anglicised. She now reflects on how that was problematic, but I can see how it was her way of trying to feel part of our identities and names carry so much meaning. I was proud when she told me she learned about Islam and the five pillars, my Indian Grandma loved that too. It’s beautiful to think that before my Dad became ill, there was such a blend of cultures and a real sense of togetherness in our family.
My parents split up when I was 4 and it was largely because of my Dad’s severe mental health struggles contributing to him not being able to be a Father or Husband. He also did not want to get better or to be on medication. The split caused a rift between my Indian family and my Welsh family, and I was mainly raised by my Mum and my Nan on my White side, but I did see my Indian family every other weekend until I was around 10. I do remember going to my Indian Grandma’s house a lot when I was young and eating her homemade curries, washing before prayer and seeing her pray in the living room facing Mecca, she also loved Bollywood movies and when I went to see her before she passed, she had Bollywood movies on in the background. I seek balance with my Indian culture more now that I’m older and have made more friends with Indian roots.
I've travelled to a few different parts of asia such as Nepal, Malaysia and Thailand and especially in Malaysia I felt so close to my roots with it being a Muslim country. I’ve still yet to go to India and I have been putting it off for some time now, mainly because I fear disappointment in not feeling connected since it means so much to me. But for now, seeking balance looks like learning about the parts of India my Grandparents are from, their religions and cultural customs, and also asking my White family about my Indian family and when they went on trips to India together.
For my Welsh roots, my family are very musical and will sing Welsh hymns. I used to go to Wales every summer and have visited where my family are from many times. I know quite a lot of Welsh words also, to say I grew up in Yorkshire.
I’m only 26, but so much has changed since I was growing up in a small rural Yorkshire village where being ‘different’ often wasn’t accepted. There were 1600 kids in the high school I went to and you could count on two hands how many weren’t White, and so we experienced racism. Even though now I see how my proximity to Whiteness is a privilege outside of where I was born and raised, that never felt like it whilst I was there. I remember laughing a lot of it off and working really hard in school because I knew I wanted to get out of there, the environment felt like it was trying to keep me small. Even though I'm half White and half Indian, all a lot of kids saw only that I'm not white and that defined me, yet my upbringing had been mainly White. It was confusing and in some ways it still is.
I have kept parts of myself hidden at times. For much of my youth, I didn’t openly share my mixed-race background or my sexuality, partly because I wasn’t sure how others would react in a community that didn’t always embrace difference. There was an unspoken pressure to fit in, so I often downplayed aspects of who I was to avoid standing out. When I went to university I remember feeling so free and seeing so much diversity was a big step towards embracing my whole self.
Now that I’m older, I’ve seen how much things have changed and I’m so proud to have roots from different parts of the world. Also since I came out as a lesbian when I was 20, I know that having intersecting identities has become my strength. I was born into two cultures starkly different from one another, being biracial has helped me to find the middle ground between two ‘opposites’ which gives me a deep sense of empathy. It helps me to build relationships quickly as I can often find common ground.
I remember the first ever moment of reckoning where I realised I was ‘different’. My first primary school was in a racist area and I was called a racial slur by another kid on the playground. I was around 6 years old and I had no idea what it meant but my friend knew and together we went to the teacher, he wrote it down in his ‘racism’ book and the girl got into trouble. I was completely confused, until that moment I hadn’t seen myself as different from the kids around me but it was such a harsh awakening and at such a young age.
My Mum had said she thought this would happen and I should say things back to the kids, not realising how asymmetric the power dynamic is when it comes to racism, and how it also wasn’t the kids at fault but their parents. It wasn’t until the resurgence of the Black Lives Matter Movement more recently that she started reading up more and educating herself on race properly, and one day she apologised to me for not understanding more what I went through. It was a healing conversation. When I reflect, I’ve always seeked to be understood.
Over the last few years I’ve taken my writing more seriously, I’ve always loved to write but I kept it hidden out of fear of my vulnerability. Now I’ve started sharing it and it’s somehow daunting and freeing. Recently I learnt about Rabindranath Tagore and the deep history of poetry and storytelling within India and Bangladesh. It's something that comes so naturally to me but it didn’t make sense, I believe it’s a gift from my ancestors. I write poetry that’s often personal and sometimes I write to channel pain into something beautiful. Beyond that, I’ve been getting deeper into spirituality, astrology which carries huge significance in India I found out recently, also cooking and travelling, the next big step will be to travel to India and unlock a deeper layer of knowing my roots.
A personal role model for me is Munroe Bergdorf, she is an icon who has inspired a generation to be true to themselves. She also uses her platform for activism and creating systemic change for trans, LGBTQIA+ and people of colour.
I’ve been called exotic, racially ambiguous, half caste, BAME was a big acronym which treated everyone non-White as though we are a homogenous group whilst we know that’s not the case and is not a fair reflection of systemic racism and colourism people experience. I feel as though exotic is problematic and feels more appropriate for a type of fruit than a human, it’s also othering as it’s a ‘difference’ or ‘you’re not from here’.
I travelled to Penang in Malaysia earlier this year and there's a street called harmony street, where there are four different religious buildings all next to one another and everyone lives in harmony. There's a mosque, a church, a gurdwara and a buddhist temple and I remember feeling incredibly emotional seeing how simple it can be. It has such diversity from 'Little India' to the clan jetties and China town, it felt like a progressive utopia and everyone interacts with each other so peacefully.
If I could choose three aspects of my culture to put into a ‘time box’ for the future, the first would be a handwritten poem. Something I've written that captures both pain and beauty, reflecting the legacy of storytelling and poetry I now know is deeply rooted in my ancestry. It would represent my journey of reclaiming voice and vulnerability through creativity. The second would be a recording of a Welsh hymn sung by my family. To capture the music, soul, and history of my Welsh side. Music has always been a thread that connects generations in my family, and the sound of it brings back memories of summers in Wales and the deep pride that comes with knowing where you’re from. The final thing would be a jar of homemade curry spices from my Indian Grandma's kitchen. The smells, the rituals, the warmth of her food, they hold so much love and memory. Even as a child, watching her cook or prepare for prayer gave me a sense of rootedness, and it’s a sensory memory I never want to lose.
My advice to the next generation of mixed-race people would be to discover, play, start to see finding your identity as a story you get to write rather than a journey of uncovering what your ancestors once wrote. Their stories are important and significant, but you are a whole person with your own identity and you get to choose what your layered heritage means, for yourself.
I work in a corporate company and although I see the company I work for, in general, doing a lot more than others to ensure ethnic diversity, I definitely see that we’re not doing enough and there’s a lack of understanding as to why it’s important. I’m incredibly passionate about diversity, equity and inclusion, it’s not a ‘nice to have’ but it’s survival for a lot of us, especially being a lesbian and not White in predominantly White and heteronormative spaces. Too often, the work of representation falls on the shoulders of those already carrying the burden. I specifically work in Diversity, Equity and Inclusion now and I know it’s partly because it’s healing for me. My personal purpose is to make people like us don’t have to endure what our ancestors have, we deserve opportunities and to be celebrated for everything that makes us different. I’m determined to be part of creating a future we can all be proud of.