Spanish | Korean
I am a queer Spanish-Korean actor working in London. My heritage is Korean, Catalan, and Spanish. My Mum is from South Korea, and my Dad is from Catalonia. I am not entirely sure how they met, but I’ve been told it was love at first sight. My Dad travelled to Korea for the first time for work, where he met my Mum. Turns out she studied Spanish at her university so that they could communicate in Spanish. The rest happened fast, like something out of a rom-com film; they explored the world together and lived in Korea, Spain, and Hong Kong. They haven’t particularly shared any stories or differences of the family and culture since everything was extremely different. My Mum came from a city in South Korea, and my Dad came from a small town in Spain. Both of them grew up in such different environments that everything must’ve been a shock. Although they seem to be understanding of those differences since the very start, the differences merged seamlessly.
Especially while living away from my home country, I feel more Korean, as my teenage years were spent in Korea. Thankfully, I see this emotional transition as a positive one, as I used to hide my Korean identity. Now that I can embrace this part of myself, I find great joy in it. In my younger years, I was able to adapt to my surroundings, I absorbed both cultures like a sponge.
I feel the need to connect more with my cultural roots, particularly my Catalan side. Since it is rarely spoken in London, I find it challenging to discover a Catalan community here. Now I try to speak more Catalan, watch TV series in the language, and even re-watch my childhood films in Catalan. It’s almost like I’m trying to hold onto it to not let that side of me fade away.
Compared to today's society, where we encounter diversity more frequently, my experience was drastically different. I grew up in a small town in Lleida, Spain, where everyone knew each other. Later, I lived in Seoul for most of my life, a place that is much larger and busier. One thing remained common: very few people were accustomed to seeing someone who looked like me. And the beauty standards in both countries were opposite. Naturally, people would ask questions and make comparisons to themselves. It was daunting, but I quickly learned to adapt. I believe today’s society is gradually shifting away from such experiences as we become more aware of cultural differences and racism. Social media also helps to broaden this awareness.
I have many memories from my childhood where I felt sorry for my Mom for trying to hide my Korean/Asian heritage. I felt embarrassed and fearful of how people would react. I dreaded the questions and comments that would come my way. Whenever someone asked for my name, I wanted to shut down after hearing the follow-up question: "But you don't look..." after I mentioned that I was Spanish.
Funnily enough, I used to insist that my friends and teachers not call me by my full name in Korea because I was the kid with the longest name. Some of them would jokingly refer to me as a ‘foreigner’. It’s difficult to grasp the reasons why I hid my identity, although I fear it was all the judgments and assumptions people made about me, which ultimately made me insecure.
Growing up, I was called 잡종 a few times, which translates to ‘mixed-breed’, as if mixed-race people were animals. It was a horrible experience, made worse by the fact that people casually joked about it. Even as a child, I knew that was wrong. Then there were the common descriptors like ‘exotic’, ‘ethereal’, ‘interesting’, and ‘different’. Whenever I hear those words, it feels like an alarm goes off in my head, reminding me that I look different to them. While it's completely valid to be curious, I still struggle to figure out how to respond to such comments.
Growing up, I spoke Korean, Catalan, and Spanish. Since living in an English-speaking country, the lack of opportunities to listen to and speak my native languages has started to take a toll on me. I felt frustrated and isolated when I spoke to my cousin because I couldn’t think of the right words or express myself like I used to. It felt like a loss of connection. Losing my ability to communicate in that language weighed heavily on my heart, and it hurts.
So I am trying harder now to think in that language and reconnect with the childhood version of myself.
The challenges I encountered that shaped who I am today primarily revolved around castings for acting and modelling. All of these experiences occurred within five years, during which I faced several obstacles. I remember some agents encouraging me to change my name because they found it difficult to pronounce. There was one director who rejected me, stating that if I were a bit more Caucasian-looking, I would have landed the role. This was a hard truth to confront, given that I am half White and half Asian, but my mixed heritage is not always visually apparent. As a result, I found myself facing limitations based on looks, with most roles being stereotypical and often out of reach, which discouraged me in the industry. Eventually, I decided to focus on improving my skills rather than changing my appearance. I stopped paying attention to suggestions about my looks or accent unless they were relevant to the context and the story.
Ironically, casting directors tend to focus on overall features, sometimes disregarding parts of an actor's identity in favour of what they perceive as a more 'Asian' appearance. Having worked in the industry for a couple of years, I've noticed improvements in casting practices, but I believe there's still a long way to go for everyone involved. I also feel conflicted about 'diversity castings and hires'. Are we being chosen solely based on our appearance, or are we being evaluated on our skills like other actors?
My Dad is my role model. I respect him immensely for his courage to embrace life and remain open to new experiences. He has endured a lot, from moving away from a small village to losing his parents at a young age. He built his life from scratch in a completely different country, working hard without ever complaining. What I truly admire about him is his strength and resilience, all while carrying so much love for our family. These qualities are important to remember in life.
All cultures carry history behind them, and all the rituals and actions shape the community of that culture. It has to be respected, but it doesn’t have to be understood. I wish to learn and explore more in the future to find the beauty in each of them. I engage in both traditions daily without even realising it. This includes small things like table manners, how I wash my dishes, and how I fold my laundry. I also participate in larger cultural events, such as Sant Jordi in Catalonia, where people exchange roses and books as a gesture of love. I also celebrate Lunar New Year and Chuseok every year to celebrate my culture.
It’s the little things that connect me to them! Firstly, no shoes indoors, simple as that. Secondly, there's a vibrant sense of community at the dinner table, where we can truly be present with one another and talk for hours. We also encourage everyone to join in and share their thoughts. Lastly, we make it a point to bow when we greet or thank each other.
Allow yourself to observe what happens around you without judgment. I believe there is no right way or shortcut to discovering one's own identity. It's something I am still exploring, but I feel more comfortable in my skin now.
When you begin to acknowledge the looks you receive from others and accept that you can't avoid or hide from them, but instead embrace them, you realise that not all gazes come from a place of hate or fear. Respect that people have curiosity and questions. If we're all striving to understand one another, then everything else becomes a little easier.
I am incredibly grateful to have this community where I can share and connect with people from various backgrounds. I can honestly say that if I saw this when I was younger, it would have made a significant impact on my life.
I want to encourage everyone to never feel the need to hide their identities, especially in creative industries, where sometimes people may try to discourage you. To never listen to that, and keep being you. I promise you it will make a difference.