Spanish/German | Chinese
While both my parents were born in Canada, my Mom's family is from Spain and Germany and my Dad's family is from China. They met at work in the 1980s in Toronto, Canada.
I feel like I've experienced a number of positives through my identity, like being immersed in a number of cultures, languages, foods, and traditions growing up. I also don't really belong to any one community and feel super comfortable and happy to learn about other cultures. Some challenges I've experienced include ignorant comments; being told you're ‘not Asian enough’, ‘not White enough’, ‘exotic’, or other comments on my appearance in relation to my race. It can also be tough to feel like you're properly representing all of your ethnicities and doing them justice.
Since I can't speak any of my languages fluently (aside from English), I feel as if I'm not fully representing any of my mix which makes it more difficult to fully embody my identity. Part of being mixed is just being comfortable and satisfied with yourself, the culture you embody, and being able to withstand comments, thoughts, and judgements from other people. Additionally, I have severe food allergies (to sesame, nuts etc.) which has hindered my ability to try foods from my own cultures and fully embody my identity this way. When I was younger, I would have to bring my own food to Chinese restaurants or avoid German desserts. This has been a bit of an ongoing struggle which I don't think is talked about enough in the mixed community.
I was proud to be mixed-race growing up (although I didn't really recognize the significance of my identity until I got older and have been grappling with feeling pride / struggling to come to terms with my identity in the last few years). I've also learned more about my family history in the last few years which is diverse and complex. As such, I feel proud now to be mixed-race and wouldn't have it any other way (although I still experience the occasional identity crisis). Although my immediate family lives in Toronto, Canada, I have other distant family members in Spain, Germany, China, Hong Kong, and the US. It's been interesting growing up and being able to travel and see family members around the world. I also currently live in the UK for school and am away from my immediate family for an extended period of time. It's tough being away from family but I hope I can visit home soon!
Although I haven't faced direct discrimination from my family, I've definitely felt excluded and disconnected from different groups within my family due to my lack of language skills, lack of cultural capacity, and appearance.
The last time I cried was when I left my parents at the airport to head back to the UK for school. I was home briefly for the holidays, and don't expect to be back home for at least 7-8 months due to my school calendar. My parents both cried as they left me which spurred a massive crying session for all 3 of us. This happens every time we leave each other.
I've changed the way I refer to my identity over time but typically say I'm mixed, a ‘halfie’, or half-Asian, half-White. I feel like it generally differs based on who is asking, how they ask, and the surrounding environment. I feel like whenever I do refer to myself, my mix can either be received rather normally, or immediately be exoticized or questioned. Sometimes people's first reaction is to say ‘wow that's so cool! I want kids like you’, which is pretty dehumanizing honestly.
In my past work and current school, I don't see mixed-race people represented. This is a common issue across all domains of life and I rarely see people who look like me reflected where I study and work. Honestly it's exciting to find other mixed-race people (peers, colleagues) and become friends because you can immediately share the same pride, confusion, and diverse cultural stories with one another. I haven't been recognized by colleagues or staff for my mixed-heritage.
I celebrate Chinese New Year and my Mom would always remind us about Saint Nicholas Day growing up. I speak German and Spanish with my Mom to keep practicing and have been trying to learn Mandarin (although my family is from Fuzhou and speaks the local dialect there). It's tough and I have to make a conscious effort to keep learning and retaining my languages. I've also been going through ancestry and civil records for the last few years to further trace my family trees and see my ancestors, birth certificates, etc. I feel like this research has honestly been extremely enlightening as a lot of my family history is unclear due to immigration and lack of access to information. I'd like to continue to retain my cultures through food, history, literature, art, and more going forward.