British | Indonesian
My parents met while working in the same building in Jakarta. My Father’s side of the family were uncomfortable with my parents’ marriage. My Mother’s side however, who are Indonesian, have been very accommodating and recall my Dad very fondly.
I still consider myself to be growing up, and I have never not been proud to be mixed-race. But my self-perception has changed over time. Initially it was a point of confusion but I now feel that being mixed-race gives me a wonderful, unique claim to two distinct cultural settings; Indonesia and the UK. I feel like the world is getting more polarised, we’re more inclined to look inward for security than look out for hope. Being mixed-race, our very being cuts across borders and occasionally I feel mixed-race people are just naturally expected to translate culture across borders. But this assumes we totally understand one culture or another, that isn’t the case. Navigating multiple cultures inherent to your being is a whole different perspective in itself.
I think some people assume that being mixed-race is a straight 50-50 split. It’s rarely as simple as that and it’s certainly not a bad thing. For me, navigating my ‘mixed race-ness’ is a continuous, evolving process. Some days I feel far more British than Indonesian and vice-versa. I see being mixed-race as about mediating that ebb and flow. I don’t think that process will ever stop, and it’s for that reason I don’t feel as if I’m ever ‘searching for my one true identity’ or anything like that. In fact, I’m totally cool with not finding it. I think that’s because I think being mixed-race is a huge opportunity, I have this blank canvas and space with which I can carve out my own sense of self.
There aren’t many instances where I actively try to hide my identity. But I notice little changes depending what context I find myself in. I had dinner with some Indonesians not too long ago and I noticed my sense of humour, way of talking, and ultimately ‘self’ changing to reflect the wonderful guests around me. On the flip side, I also felt pretty at home in a pub drenched in Carling supporting the Lions and Lionesses at their World Cups. I guess that’s one of the interesting things about navigating the liminal space between two cultures; your subconscious sometimes takes over and mimics those around you to fit in.
I lost my Dad when I was 5 years old so I’m separated from him in that sense. I wonder a lot how I might have turned out if he was still around. More English and less Indonesian? It’s all conjecture. But I see it as space to carve out my own dynamic sense of self. My Mother’s side of the family, who I am close to, live in Indonesia. Growing up, we used to travel back three times every year. I remember it annoying me at the time; ‘why couldn’t I just stay in the UK with my friends?’. But now I appreciate all the times we got to head back to Indonesia and I’m grateful to my Mother for making sure I never lost sight of the connection. Without a doubt I’m super lucky to have a grounding in both Jakarta and London.
The earliest person I can call a role model is probably Barack Obama. I remember his election sometime in 2007. I was 7 years old, I knew absolutely nothing about his politics or what he stood for, even less about what a Democrat was (but I had a vague idea that they were the ‘good guys’). What I do remember is the optimism and sheer hype of that victory, and how he was also mixed-race! At the time, I was one of two non-White people in my primary school. His victory meant something to me, even then.
In English speaking areas, I occasionally used to get ‘Wasian’ or ‘Yellow’. I felt pretty indifferent about it. In Indonesia I often get referred to as ‘bule’ (pronounced buh-ley). I feel as if I’ve taken control of the narrative of my own self-identification more now and my mixed-ness is rarely remarked upon. If it is, I’m fairly assertive and authoritative in telling people I’m ‘British-Indonesian’.
I connect to my cultures most through language. This one is huge. My Mum cooks a lot of Indonesian food too.