Scottish | Chinese
I am a Chinese Scottish Canadian woman. I'm an atheist, and heterosexual. I'm also an ice cream connoisseur and travel obsessed.
Travel is what makes me feel alive. It connects me to people around the world, and broadens my perspective in a way that nothing else does. The pandemic stopped that and forced me to slow down, to stay in one place. With that has come an opportunity for me to become more in tune with myself, and explore in a different way than travel. It led me to start my own business in wellbeing. Starting a business is tough. Starting one during the pandemic is even tougher. I grew up as a competitive athlete so I am used to a challenge. I've had some of the highest moments and lowest moments in the last year, and I am grateful for all of it.
My Mum moved to Canada from a small village in China with her family when she was a child. My Dad moved from Scotland in his 20s for work. They met at a bar in Vancouver. My Dad was shy, and wanted to chat to my Mum so he made his best friend go talk to her best friend. Long story short, my Mum ended up giving him a chance, and we're all glad that she did!
My parents didn't really combine their cultures equally. Chinese culture played a massive role in my upbringing. Mum's side of the family lived in Vancouver with me, and I spent most of my time with my Grandma who only spoke Cantonese. I went to Chinese lessons every week, I ate Chinese food, and I learned about Chinese customs. The only piece of my Dad's heritage that stands out to me was around table manners. In addition to using chopsticks to eat, I also learned how to eat with a knife and fork. I felt the pressures most Chinese kids face i.e. doing well in school, I played piano for 12 years (classical music only), and I felt the pressure to find a 'respectable' job.
I would have to say that both of my parents are role models to me. I look up to my Mum's resilience and strength, while I also look up to my Dad's patience and mindfulness. My Mum has gone through so much adversity in her life and it truly amazes me to see the life she has built for herself. Whenever I am struggling, I channel her strength and the lessons she taught me growing up. In the same breath, I also channel my Dad's qualities of patience, compassion and mindfulness when I am struggling. When I get it right, it's a great balance between the two.
One of my greatest personal challenges was moving to London. I moved alone in 2016 for a new adventure. I had gone home to Vancouver after living in Scotland, and travelling around Asia, only to realize that I wasn't ready to be there yet. I craved more life and excitement. So I found a cheap flight to London, packed up my things, and left. Nothing had prepared me for how difficult it would be living in such a big city with no support system. I found a job that paid me very little, and worse than that, I was absolutely miserable because the culture was so toxic. I stretched every pound I made, and made an effort to see the city, and travel to Europe with some of my savings. It looked like I was living the dream to the outside world, but inside I was struggling more than I ever have. I remember my first panic attack waiting for the DLR. I couldn't breathe. I sat down and tried to take really slow, and deep breaths until I could breathe normally again. I can't tell you the number of days I would sit on the tube going home standing silently with tears streaming down my face. In such a big city, with so many people around me, I had never felt so lonely. I didn't want to tell anyone at home how much I was struggling because I didn't know how to start the conversation, and I also didn't think there was anything anyone could do. I reached my breaking point when I was lying on the ground crying in my bedroom, and I knew I had to change something. So I signed up for counselling and through that support, I really started to take control of my life and turn things around. At that point, I could not afford private sessions so I am incredibly grateful for the free support that the borough I lived in provided. That one person who listened to me cry week after week, provided me with the space and support I desperately needed during that time and I will forever be grateful to her.
When I was a kid, I remember not wanting to take certain Chinese foods to school (which I loved) because I was worried that the other kids would make fun of me for the way my food smelled. And I knew they would, because they did it to other kids. I have other memories of hiding the fact that I was Chinese when I met new people, and they made racist remarks about Chinese people. I was young, and I didn't know how to stand up for myself or the part of me that I am now very proud to be. I have always avoided confrontation and those examples were no exception.
There are many different layers of change that need to happen in order to tackle racial inequality. Two huge areas are representation and opportunities. More POC need to be in positions of power, to make decisions that support other POC, and close the gaps. Additionally, representation is massive! To see people who look like you in different roles, living lives and in positions that are empowering, make you feel like you can get there too.
You're not fully accepted by either side. I'm not Chinese enough, I'm not fully White. I identify strongly with my Chinese side, and having expressed that in the past, I've had people respond with, ‘well you're not really Chinese are you’. And obviously that hurts. As humans we all have an innate need to belong. A statement like that highlights that you are different, and you question whether or not you do belong. To this day I feel a sense of trepidation when I make a comment about how I relate to someone who is Chinese. I'm waiting for them to call me out and say ‘well you're not really Chinese are you’. I consider myself very lucky to have grown up in Vancouver among many other mixed-race White & Asian kids. There were many other kids that looked like I did. It almost felt like we were our own race. So even with my struggles around belonging, I know that I am luckier than most to have grown up with others who looked like me, and a relatively open minded group of people.
I have been fortunate enough to visit both my native countries. I went to China in my teens and it was one of the most special trips I have been on. We visited the villages my Grandparents are from, and I got to see where my Mum grew up. It was a very humbling experience, and made me appreciate just how hard my family worked to build the life we have today. As for Scotland, I decided to study abroad in Glasgow for a year to get more in touch with that side of my heritage. I spent 19 years of my life without much exposure to my Scottish side, and I was curious to immerse myself in the culture there. I ended up living there for four years. It was a great experience, however having grown up so deeply immersed in Chinese culture in my formative years, I still deeply resonate with my Chinese roots over my Scottish ones.
I love being mixed-race, always have. When I was younger, I spent a lot of time with my Grandma, and she would take me to Chinatown, her tai chi classes, and dim sum. Everywhere I went, her friends would be amazed that this little White girl could speak fluent Cantonese. It made me feel special, like I had a superpower. As an adult, I still feel I have a superpower: I'm a chameleon, and can blend in well in so many different countries when I travel. I've travelled a lot in my lifetime, and almost everywhere I go, people will speak to me in the local language because they think I'm a local. I'm very proud to be mixed-race. I think it has played a large part in my levels of compassion for human beings. Each and every one of us has a different story to tell, and I think that's what makes us all so intriguing and beautiful.
I celebrate Chinese New Year, the Moon Festival, and will have a tea ceremony at my wedding when I get there. I'm going to wear a traditional dress at my wedding too; cheongsam. Those are some of the bigger traditions, however I follow many other values and traditions on a day to day basis. The way I treat family, the deep respect I have for my elders, and elders in general. And the food! I cook Chinese food regularly at home, and when I'm homesick, that's always my go-to meal when I'm out.
I cried last week. I'm working for a company for steady income while I build my business (which has a B2C side and B2B side), so it's a lot of work. And I'm currently in a small town in Germany with very little going on, and the only person I know is my partner. I spend most of my days at home, and miss the life of London, and the family I have in Vancouver. Plus with social media marketing as a big part of my marketing strategy, I'm finding myself on my phone a lot more than usual. Which means I'm consuming more of the news than I'd like to, and it leaves me in a low mood. Perspective is a huge part of how I keep my mind healthy, and it's been difficult lately to develop perspective because of my environment. I'm aware of the privilege that I have and do not want to downplay that. I believe it's normal to have harder days especially during the winter months, and with covid restrictions looming.