German | Indian
My Mother is from India and my Father is from Germany. My Mother went to East Berlin to do her PhD in German. She met my Father who was studying art history and had developed a particular interest in Indian art history. After meeting my Mother, he decided to do a PhD in Indian art history. However, things became complicated. My Father was critical of the GDR regime and was imprisoned for a year for his political positions. My Mother, who had returned to India, could only write letters to him and often did not know how he was doing. Fortunately, my Father was released after a year to West Berlin, which also allowed him to travel to India. They eventually got married in Delhi.
I was exposed to both German and Indian culture growing up. This meant having a mix of Indian and German food while going to school, going to cultural events such as Bharatanatyam dances in the Indian embassy in Berlin (where my Mother worked) but also delving into the world of Schiller or Johann Sebastian Bach in Thuringia, where my Father was born. Although I spent most of my childhood in Berlin, we would also travel quite frequently to India. I always loved the richness of Indian food, the colorful clothing and incredible landscapes there. At home, there was always a mix of languages. My Mother would speak with us in English or her native tongue Malayalam, whilst my Father would speak with us in German. My sister and I would talk in German but now this has switched to English. This multiplicity of languages also made it easier for me to pick up other languages such as Portuguese or French later on.
I have hidden parts of my identity depending on the context I am in. Most recently, this has meant hiding the relevance of my Indian identity when dating White, European women. People tend to look for commonalities in relationships and I think I subconsciously played down my Indian heritage as I did not want to seem too different. Because that is what I have heard all my life, that I am quite different. But I want to get to a place where I can embrace my identity fully regardless of what other people think.
My Indian Grandfather has been a great role model. He also studied law like myself. Once India was independent, he became a politician. He represented the country at the UN and ultimately became a governor. He fought for the collective good and always remained a grounded person who was kind to all people regardless of their class.
I think people need to become better listeners, willing to hear different perspectives and understand the pain others go through because of racism. If you are White, you may be thinking why do Persons of Colour constantly make such a fuss about race? The simple answer is that we experience pain connected solely to our skin colour. In different instances, we are told either directly or indirectly that we do not belong here. However, every human being has an intrinsic need for belonging, which is why racism, even when it is very subtle, hits us so hard.
Recently, I have struggled a lot with my mixed-race identity. During the pandemic, I felt socially very isolated like many others. This has raised major questions about belonging, home and identity. As a half-German, half-Indian, who grew up in Berlin but now lives in London, I have at different stages of my life felt more connected with either my German or Indian heritage. As a child, I often wanted to be more Indian as I appreciated the cultural riches of India and maybe even liked the feeling of being different from my peers in Berlin. However, after a gap year in Brazil, I realised how much I have been influenced by German culture and how much I identify in particular with Berlin. It is an amazing, multicultural, liberal city that represents a lot of my values. But at the same time I have often felt like I will never be fully accepted in Germany because of my skin colour. I am just too different. Other people in Germany who have foreign parents but are still White never have to justify themselves. I constantly have to explain my mixed-race identity and I particularly feel like I always need to prove that I am German enough. At the same time, I appreciate the different perspective I have on the world due to my mixed-race heritage. Although I cannot point to one place as my home, I see so much beauty in different cultures and have felt at home in many different countries. I am on a slow but steady journey of understanding that there is something beautiful about how I see the world.
As a child, my outlook on being mixed-race was quite simple. I relished in the fact that I was half-German, half-Indian. I felt like this made me more interesting despite the occasional racist experiences I had. More recently, I have, however, grappled a lot with my mixed-race identity. I have felt a sense of alienation because I am too different to completely fit into any particular city or county. I have longed to feel completely at home and fully accepted in one place. But I know at the same time that being mixed-race has allowed me to connect with more ease with people from different cultures and countries. Maybe I am never going to feel completely at home in one place and maybe that is okay. I was watching a documentary about Afro-Germans. It depicted the challenges they face in Germany. The main journalist, an Afro-German, finished the documentary, stating that despite the difficulties she is faced with due to racism she would not want to change her skin colour for anything in the world. I think she meant that it allows her to see the world in a different, beautiful way. I want to get to that stage. At the moment I am feeling more the pain of being mixed-race.
I feel that there are slowly improvements in the representation of ethnic minorities, particularly in London. For example, the trainee intake in my law firm is very diverse. I have also observed that there are similar positive changes in Berlin. However, there is still a long way to go. In certain professional contexts in law, I am still the only Person of Colour.