Korean | American
I am not religious and consider myself sexually fluid. My Mom’s parents and Grandparents come from all over Europe; Ireland, Czechoslovakia, Russia. Too many to keep track of, but my Mom was born and raised in Cleveland, Ohio USA. My Appa was born in Seoul but actually spent the first few years of his life in Paju, which is right at the North/South Korean border. He then grew up in Suwon and Seoul. They met by chance; my Appa wanted to go to this one university, but his English test scores weren’t high enough. Apparently he was at a library researching different universities and found a pamphlet someone had left by mistake for a tiny Catholic college in a tiny, unknown part of Ohio. He ended up going there where he met my mom!
My Appa actually moved back to Seoul when I was still a baby, and my Mom stayed in Ohio to take care of me and my four older siblings. So for my earliest childhood memories, Korea almost felt like a fantasy and we stuck primarily to American customs. None of my siblings or I were taught Korean, and I don’t think I really understood that my situation was different to my White friends. But it was, and I think my parents did a good job. Even if she never explained why she did it, I think my Mom wanted us to stay connected to our Korean culture, even with my Appa away in Seoul. Most nights she made us American food, but she would also cook us Korean meals; I remember absolutely loving bibimbap, bulgogi, ramen, dumplings, Korean biscuits, and spoonful’s of gochujang. She would take us to the Korean grocery store, and it was always an adventure, from complaining about the fish smell to begging her to buy us more pepperro, she was making sure that we had tangible things in our life reminding us that we were Korean. Looking back on that, she must have really made a conscious effort to do it and I love her for that.
It became a lot easier combining the cultures when we all moved to Seoul to join my Appa when I was around 10 years old. We didn’t really have a choice but to fully combine our cultures. Needless to say, the next eight years of my life are the years that I really connected with my Korean side. I think because I spent all my early years in America and went to an international school, I never had to or wanted to fight for my American side or culture. But suddenly all the Korean customs and holidays were just as important as the American ones. And my Mom was now experiencing what my Appa had some 20 years previously; being a fish out of water.
It was a hard transition when we first moved, and I know I didn’t make it easier for my Mom. I can only imagine how difficult, scary, and lonely it must’ve been for her, with my Appa always at work, unable to speak the language, 5 kids to care for, and no local friends. But she always, without fail kept a positive attitude about the move with us. She was careful to ensure that it was never America vs. Korea, that living in Korea was just as exciting as living in America. And I am so thankful that she did that from when I was so young. It meant that I was able to really learn and experience Korean culture with love and respect for my ancestors and the land. To this day, it feels far more like a home than America does. And my Mom has really grown into Korean culture now, she actually lives in Seoul still even though my Appa doesn’t even live there anymore, he’s in Myanmar! She’s completely built a life there, and even when I see her now she’s always telling us to do things the Korean way, sometimes it’s like I have two Asian parents and I wouldn’t have it any other way!
My culture definitely affects the way I choose partners, friends, people I want to work with creatively, etc. I think because it’s had such a big impact on my life, it’s really become fundamental to who I am. Especially with close relationships; friendships or romantic partners, I’ve learnt the hard way how important it is that I’m connecting with people who either understand it, or who have a willingness and eagerness to learn more about it. Because if not, I know I won’t feel safe to fully be who I am, which is the most important part of any relationship. I honestly just need to be with someone who will enthusiastically ask to try my kimchi when I pull it out of the fridge (if they haven’t tried it themselves already!) and not squirm at the smell! I’ve been with people who would make racist jokes about Asians, call me weird when I spoke Korean, or have a general disinterest in my Korean culture and I just decided that I wouldn’t do that to myself anymore. I think I’ve had a lot of internalised racism, and I’ve done a lot of work to undo that. I need my partners and friends to help me continue that journey, not reinforce the harmful stereotypes I’m trying to reject!
I think when you look at me you can tell that I'm part-Asian so there's not too much that I can hide behind. I don't always share my religious beliefs or sexuality, but I wouldn't lie about it if someone asked. I think interracial relationships are beautiful and I think seeing my parents having one did help shape that, mostly because my siblings and I all found it kind of fun to be mixed-race. We actually have a lot of funny conversations about the race of our future kids (if one of us has kids with someone who is half African, half South American for instance, the kids would be from 4 different continents!) But also combining cultures and loving beyond borders has to be one of the most beautiful and powerful acts of rebellion against our system!
To be honest I’m not too sure about how my American Grandparents view interracial relationships. My Mom comes from a part of America that is predominantly White so I can only imagine it must’ve been at least a small point of tension when my Appa asked for her hand in marriage. I know that my Korean Grandparents at first didn’t approve of the relationship because of my Mom’s race. But apparently they hadn’t seen my Appa speak of a woman like he spoke of my Mom, so they approved it. Now my Korean family has become really international (my Aunt married a Venezuelan-Canadian), and we all love it. Even with a language barrier, they are always showering us in love and doing their best to make us feel comfortable. This makes me believe that the race of my romantic partners shouldn’t matter too much (although I think my Appa would be really happy if I married a Korean).
I’ve had lots of really positive experiences being mixed-race; from bonding with other mixed-race people, like my best friend, to being able to connect and understand two cultures that are completely different from each other, to just bonding with other people who’ve also had very international upbringings. I recognise a lot of privilege that I’ve had being able to grow up in my two countries. A lot of people either can’t afford to travel the way my family has been lucky enough to or chose not to for whatever reason. I think my mixed-race heritage (and my class privilege) has let me do that and because of it, I’ve grown more empathetic towards immigrants and can better understand the fear that comes when borders close. I love my background and feel like, despite the hardships that come with not belonging to one specific place, my whole life has been a positive experience. It’s the hardships that have allowed me to grow into a kinder person, and that is really positive in my eyes.
Being mixed-race has also allowed me to understand race-relations in a unique way. I understand what it’s like for people to look at me and make assumptions based on my Asian race, but I’ve also really felt my White privilege (especially when in Korea), and can understand how people will treat me differently or better when they see Whiteness. This has really become apparent with COVID-19, as I haven’t experienced the level of racism that full East-Asians have been experiencing, and I think it’s because when people look at me they can recognise Whiteness and that somehow makes them feel safer around me. Understanding my own White privilege has been really good in terms of not only making myself a better ally to other POC, but in explaining White privilege to other White people. Again, this was hard, and I know that I have a lot more growing and learning to do, but anything to help me be a better person is worth it.
I've experienced challenges that many other POC go through; dealing with ignorance and harmful stereotypes, having to turn the other cheek in order to protect yourself, and fighting a battle that seems never-ending. But I think the hardest thing for me is dealing with internalised racism and believing that I don’t belong anywhere. Not White enough, not Korean enough, I think this is a common struggle of mixed-race people, and I’m still learning ways to combat it. But I’ve also made a lot of progress from a few years ago. I think it shows itself the most during holidays when all of my friends go home and are able to find a lot of comfort in feeling like they’re home. This is something I haven’t really been able to experience. I don’t have a childhood home or one place where I feel that safety and comfort.
Something else that has been difficult is people trying to decide for me where I belong. I’ve had a lot of people say things like, ‘oh but you’re not really American’ or ‘if you had to choose, do you identify as American or Korean?’. ‘You don’t really get it because you’re not really Korean”, which I get. To a certain extent I’m not really American or really Korean, but the pressure to choose or the feeling of being rejected by both of your countries has sometimes made me feel like my existence is a mistake. As if race should determine nationality, or we should all just belong and stay in one culture. This hit me really hard when I first moved to London from Seoul.
When I first came to England, my internalised racism got really bad. And I think that’s largely due to the fact that I’ve had so much White privilege, especially in Korea. In Korea, I am White, and people are surprised when I tell them I’m half Korean. And when I moved to England it was suddenly the opposite, I was Asian. And Asian culture and people were unfamiliar to those going to my university. They would make a lot of jokes about how Asian I was, or even say seemingly harmless things like, ‘aw, I love you, you’re so Asian!’. I found it incredibly difficult to be proud of my Asian heritage because I started seeing it as weird too. And I’ve never felt ‘Asian’, I’ve always just felt like myself, and for the first time I was seeing myself through the eyes of others. I started making the same jokes about my heritage, as if being Asian was something laughable. In my first couple of years here I could not understand why I had friends and people who loved me. I found it hard to believe that my boyfriend at the time could love me because I couldn’t get the idea out of my head that when he looked at me he saw an Asian before he saw a person (doesn’t help that he would make a lot of racist jokes). But I know that this is something that a lot of Asian women experience in Western countries. There is so much fetishisation of Asian women in the media and society that I’m always wary that people look at me and see a goal or an exotic experience, and I’m aware that I would experience this much more if I wasn’t half-White.
One of the scariest things I found myself falling into was looking at other Asians and thinking the same harmful stereotypes of the people around me. I think at some point I just decided that I was going to reject what people believed I should be and just started being who I was. I’ve still got work to do on my internalised racism and feeling like I don’t belong in the world, but I’ve come a long way and am proud of that.
I lived in American from ages 0-10, and in Korean from 10-18, and I think living in a place long term is really the best way to learn its culture. I was just in the States recently and I do think I understood American culture a lot better afterwards because it had been so long since I’d been there. I would like to do the same with Korea sometime in the next couple of years. The longer I am away from Korea, the more I forget the culture, and it feels almost like a betrayal. No matter where I end up in my life, I want to be able to continue visiting Korea and if I have kids I want them to spend a good amount of time in Korea as well.
When I was younger I went through phases, as a child I didn’t really understand it. I think I thought I was just Korean but I didn’t understand what that meant, because I didn’t understand that it meant I wasn’t ‘White’ the way that my friends were White. It took me a while to understand that being mixed-race meant that people didn’t really see me as White (especially in the West). I still remember the moment I realised I was a person-of-colour. It was when I was 16, we were talking about race relations and my Mom turned around and looked at me and said, ‘You know you’re a POC, right?’. My mind was blown, and from that point on it’s been a journey of understanding what that means and recognising my own White privilege within that. I hope it continues to change as I grow older, I hope to continue finding peace and understanding within my identity, and what that means for me and others around me!
Although I’ve experienced plenty of microaggressions, I’ve only had a few experiences where I’ve been made to feel very small or unsafe (or bad enough for me to exit/leave the job). I feel like I encounter sexism like every day of my life, but it’s not like I’m in workplaces that are explicitly sexist or menacing. For the most part I’ve learnt to not let it ruin my day the way that it used to, and to pick my battles. It would be exhausting to continuously confront every micro aggression I encounter. Instead I focus on converting their hate into compassion and love for myself and for them. But I recognise my privilege in all this, I’m so aware of all my privileges that make workplaces more inclusive towards me. And I’m also aware that not everyone is able to walk away, especially if their safety is in question.
If I were to be born again I think I’d like to be born in Korea this time. Korean culture is so beautiful and there’s such a strong connection to the land and the ancestors, I think I’d like to grow up with that.