Indonesian | Egyptian
My Mum is from Indonesia, and Dad is from Egypt. They met at a bus stop in Edgware Road, London. They never talked about combining their cultures to be honest, but there was always an emphasis on 'keep your head down, work hard, behave, assimilate, yet keep our cultural values and beliefs, make a good living and have a good life'. Our primary language at home was English, I wasn't really taught to speak either of my parents' respective languages.
I have been closer to my Egyptian heritage. I think more because of my parents' shared faith, Islam, where the religion of the Qur'an is Arabic. And my Mum spoke and understood a bit of Arabic. Also, growing up in a majority Arab and South Asian neighbourhood, I was sometimes seen as part of these diasporas as I looked closest to them as opposed to Black or White. However, I was teased for looking Chinese or 'oriental', to the point whenever I heard the word 'Chinese' I kind of had a fight or flight response from it; my body would instantly heat up, I'd start sweating and my heart would beat faster. I didn't like looking Chinese and tried my best to look more Arab.
I was always on edge going to parents day meetings, not because of my bad behaviour or my progress in school, but because of 'friends' and classmates finding out my Mum looks the way she does; ‘oriental, Chinese etc’. Classmates would be like, ‘why you lying, you're not Egyptian. Your Mum's Chinese’.
So I stayed far away from my Mother's Indonesian culture and wanted nothing to do with it. I was very reluctant to walk next to my Mum as I was ashamed of her 'looking Chinese'. I'm so ashamed to say this. But I'm happy that I don't think that way anymore at 21 years old. I am currently trying to find a certain 'balance', whatever that means. I'm actively exploring more of my South-East Asian side which is also so underrepresented in many ways.
Being mixed race has been confusing, conflicting, isolating, yet beautiful and has, in retrospect, allowed me to be so unique and be the way I am now which I love. To be straddling between different races, and quite an unconventional mix at that, gave me such a unique world view. Growing up it was not nice, I didn't have the tools to navigate such a binary world. However now, I feel great being mixed-race and am embracing it, though I'll be honest, there are many times where I still wonder and kind of wish I was monoracial as I feel I don't truly belong to a cultural community. I don't know who I can call 'my people'. I don't look quite Egyptian nor Indonesian to the people themselves at least. I've been told I look Pakistani, Bengali, Filipino, Mexican, Colombian, Moroccan, Malaysian, I could go on... It just depends on each person. I'm quite racially ambiguous.
One time I was in Hurghada in Egypt with my Dad. We wanted to go to the museum. My Dad tried to get us the local prices which are cheaper. But they told my Dad that he can get the cheaper local price but he needs to buy the more expensive tourist ticket for me. My Dad had a row with the staff and the staff were calling me racial slurs which would be said towards East Asians. I knew then, I couldn't really belong in Egypt, my fatherland. It was where my Father was from, but it wasn't where I was from. It also didn't help that I didn't look so much like my Father. When I went to Indonesia, people thought I was Arab. I couldn't win. So I knew they were just my parents' respective countries. I am truly British, even though I don't look it. Britain really is my home. This acceptance makes me feel a bit better, especially being from a melting pot like London. It's hard to accept but I'm still figuring it all out.
The world will be more and more mixed-race. It's actually a scientific stat too. So there are so many of us to share our experiences and perspectives with. I personally am dedicated to telling stories of my mixed-race experience and perspective through film and TV as an actor and writer, so hopefully there will be much better representation of us so that we can be seen more. And I know there are people out there working on this representation too.
My role model is Muhammad Ali. He was a revolutionary. He was firm with his beliefs and was very charismatic, a man of the people, the best at what he did and was an artist in his speech as well as on the boxing canvas. He changed the landscape of many things at the time. Ambiguous I personally find alright and actually accurate for myself personally because I genuinely am quite racially ambiguous. Exotic just sounds weird but I'm not offended. Just weird. Mixed heritage is a term I like.
I always admired Black culture, it's part of me too. The people and culture was always around me with my friends and my surroundings as an inner city Londoner. I also have Black family members. My Grandma, from my Dad's side, was Black. So my Dad is mixed-race as well. My Uncles would be absolutely considered Black. My Dad just happens to have a lighter complexion. But I don't know if I can say I'm Black, mostly because of my appearance and that it is only a quarter of me. I don't really know. Like when does Blackness start and end? At which percentage of the one drop rule? I'm not sure. I just know people can be confused as to where to place me. I also really admire Latin American and Polynesian cultures as I found more people thought I was of these cultures and I feel like I look a lot more like people from these regions.
There are fellow mixed-race people but nothing like the mix I have. I am the only person that looks like me at my institution and there aren't many people that look like me. I don't know anyone who shares my exact racial mix. I feel like I've had to constantly remind people that I'm of mixed heritage. People usually just assume a binary of what they think I look like; the most common being just 'Asian'. I always think, what type of Asian are we talking here?
My faith as a Muslim is very much the unifier with both my cultures. I am a proud practising Muslim and a lot of my practise I've learnt on my own rather than my parents necessarily encouraging me. I have a lot more to discover about both my cultures. I've resisted a lot from both sides because of having felt being resisted fr belonging to these cultures by the people themselves at times. I am an actor and writer and my mixed-race-ness has enriched me in my art and my storytelling and it is the thing that helps me most. To imagine worlds with mixed-race characters and my perspective as one. I cannot wait to share these worlds I create on the stage and screen