British | Nicaraguan
I identify as mixed other. My Mother is from Nicaragua (although we have ancestors from all over the world), and my Father is British. They met in Honduras after a football game my Dad was reporting at. My Mum always used to say when she first came to the UK, no-one could pronounce her first name Luz so she had to scrap it for her middle name Pamela. I think that in itself is really sad.
Growing up my Mum really wanted for me to attend Spanish school in London, but the schools in the 80’s didn’t accept me because I ‘wasn’t from Spain’, indicating xenophobia. So I had to go to an English-speaking school and ended up rejecting the Spanish language as a young child, which is actually a big regret now.
My Dad was working a lot when we were younger as he worked as a journalist on a newspaper, so would often be at work when we got home. So at home we were raised with Latin culture, certainly when it came to the food, but the only link to Latin America was my Mum and eventually her friends. Family wise it was only my British family who were in touch with us.
I have never felt like I belonged. In Britain I feel different, more expressive, and passionate and vice versa. In Latin America I am probably a little reserved. At school is also was bullied which wasn’t really about race, but somehow, I still did not belong. As an adult, and through speaking up about my experience with other people of mixed heritage I have realised I am not alone here. I think it’s innate in our humanity to want a tribe of our own. When you are mixed you don’t have a clear roadmap to identify with, but this also can be a real gift.
There is a quote from one of my absolute literary heroes Maya Angelou which says it so beautifully:
“You only are free when you realize you belong no place — you belong every place — no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great…”
I have danced the streets of Rio at carnival as a Brazilian, I have explored much of South East Asia as a local from India to the Philippines. I have been labelled Greek, South African, Italian, Turkish, Scandinavian (which I always found quite funny), Jamaican, Mexican, Brazilian and Thai to name a few. Many people have wanted to put me in a box, which is ironic as I always select ‘mixed other’ on any official form. My otherness has become a strength. I do have a deep innate sense of ritual. I have learnt some from my Mum and have picked up some along the way from different cultures and traditions. I think that’s what’s great about being mixed, there is a curiosity about what others do.
I think there is a loneliness that comes from feeling like you do not have your place. And traversing that is unique for each and everyone. I have realised that home truly is inside of me, and reminding myself that I can provide a sense of belonging to myself when I show up in a self-loving way.
I think we can find belonging when we truly accept ourselves in our uniqueness. We are always going to be slightly different and that is okay. When we can own that difference, with give others permission to do the same.
Embrace your heritage, learn as much as you can. Travel to those lands, put your feet in the soil, pray to your ancestors, access the gifts they wish to give you, and live from that rich place.
I have sometimes agreed when people have asked if I am this, as I couldn’t be bothered to explain myself in the moment, but often I have been proud to say I am ‘future race’ which is what a friend coined a few years back to describe all of the individuals who can’t be placed or named. In a way we all belong to one another.
I have been called tropical, exotic, half cast, spicy Latina, the list goes on. People always need to create separation and otherness by putting you in a box. I say enough of the boxes already.
I do admire Brazilian culture as it is a melting pot of races. Although I realise racism is still very much a problem out there, when you walk through cities like Rio it’s so liberating to feel like everyone else is just like you.
Words that describe me: Openness, curiosity, progressive, free.
In terms of the working world, I have worked in both some very White places and very diverse places, and only at the former I felt different. I wasn’t treated differently. I just didn’t enjoy the lack of diversity and equality.