English/Northern Irish | Indian
I would identify myself as a mixed-race queer person. I am a practising lay Buddhist with strong influences from other wisdom traditions like Hinduism and Christianity. I feel that most of all I am a being, an experiencer of life, working out a way to be in the world that feels loving and compassionate. I identify with trying to live the way of the Bodhisattva, an ideal that I do not always meet. I am a part of all I have experienced and all that is around me, non human and human people.
My Mum was born in Reading to Indian parents (her Dad was actually born in what is now Pakistan but they fled to India during Partition). My Dad was born in Zimbabwe (then Rhodesia) to parents who had migrated from Northern Ireland and Yorkshire. They met at a party hosted by a mutual friend, not far from where I grew up. They have told me this story but I don't really remember that much about it. I know my Mum had graduated from uni at this point and my Dad had moved to the UK a little while before and they met and got on well.
I don't remember much of how my parents combined their cultures when I was younger. They split up when I was six and so my memories are blurry from before that. I know that we participated in major Hindu rites as children as my Nani and Nana (grandparents) wanted that and that we would celebrate Diwali and raksha bandhan after my brother was born. The two sides of my life felt very separate until fairly recently. My Dad didn't have a very close relationship with his family so there weren't many traditions passed down and he rejected their Christianity. My Mother rejected Hinduism in some ways and wanted to fit in above all. My Dad didn't ever learn Hindi (My Mother speaks and understands but cannot read or write) and I don't know that they ever visited India. They did have a very traditional Hindu wedding but that seems to be the extent of it. I grew up feeling that the world at my Nani-ji's house was so different from the rest of my life, the incense and idols, the puja and prayers were not something I experienced at home. We had smatterings of it, a Ganesha by my bedside table, Nithin Sawhney in the car and I have a memory of watching a Hindi animated DVD of Hanuman as a child. I have a very close relationship with my Nani-ji though and so in the past few years have started to build these connections myself. She now lives at home with us and so our diet has become much more integrated (she is also trying new foods!) and it feels as though there is a much more equal fusion of western and eastern cultures. I have begun to learn Hindi and we visited India to scatter my Nana-ji's ashes in 2016, the first and only time I have visited. I didn't grow up feeling mixed-race but rather with a feeling that I didn't belong anywhere. It has taken an intergenerational effort to integrate for that to start to change.
I regularly face challenges and often they are ongoing so I have many ways to consistently respond such as therapy, mediation. Most recently I faced the challenge of realising I had taken on too much and needing to step back. I am not very good at saying no or quitting things but after some time away I realised I needed to resign from a committee position and not take on too many new things. To do this I practised a lot of compassion towards myself, thought about the effects of this decision, meditated on it, spoke about it to friends, family and in therapy and asked my ancestors and the spirits to guide me. I sent a message to the committee to let them know I was stepping down (I had wanted to do it in person but timing wasn't lining up so I went with it and texted) and I make sure now that I don't take on more than I can manage. I think about things before I say yes and I consider my time and needs.
When I was younger I wished that I was just White. I knew that there was something different between me and the kids whose acceptance I craved but I wasn't sure what it was. I hid my Indian identity unconsciously because I wanted to belong and I felt that this was the way to do it. I didn't feel 'Indian enough' to claim my space with the other Indian kids at school so hoped that I could pass for White enough to fit in with the other kids.
This meant that for a long time I felt like the token ethnic friend in a group of White kids. I didn't really explore this feeling until I got a bit older and started to claim my identity. I had a gay friend who was biphobic and convinced that I was a lesbian. I had such a fear of being pigeonholed that I hid my attraction to women. Interestingly he was also very racist towards me and this actually led to my realisation that I was still hiding this part of my identity but that it didn't mean others couldn't see it. I didn't pass as well as I thought I did and on some level I was proud to be Indian just not in touch with that feeling.
I have many people who inspire me. Satish Kumar and Vandana Shiva who champion a way of life that I think is beautiful. My family for reminding me the power of love, community and being flawed. The Dalai Lama for being a light of compassion. Audre Lorde for reminding me that my strength is there and must be nurtured. I also believe that everyone I come into contact with teaches me something and so in some way they all inspire me. I am always careful of my want to put people on a pedestal and so try to take my inspiration from all over.
I think the fundamental challenge is changing how people see others. I think this change in consciousness precludes truly meaningful policy changes and lifestyle changes. This being said it takes a long time to open hearts and release people from centuries of conditioning and so the work must happen in tandem. I think we need more strong bodies of culture who are able to lead the way and show us how we can live together. I also think that a key underthought part of tackling White supremacy is the lived experience. I have been reading ‘My Grandmother's Hands’ and think that we must include the somatic, spiritual and emotional in our fight to tackle racial injustices everywhere. I think we must be led by love and compassion but also be strong and unafraid. A quote by Audre Lorde comes to mind "When I dare to be powerful- to use my strength in service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid”. I think we need more of this mindset, more people committed to a better world for us all!
I have dealt with a life of microaggressions and a few more serious incidents of racial abuse. Usually these were from nice White liberals and it revealed to me the danger of those who think they can be not racist. Growing up predominantly around White people I felt that my being mixed-race was ignored or an annoyance but it has given me space to connect with other children of immigrants and other bodies of culture who understand this experience. Ultimately all of these experiences have pushed me towards the relationship I am now building with myself about all facets of my identity.
I visited India for a short time of two weeks five years ago. I felt like I was both a stranger and I was home. I was able to meet family I have never met and experience where and how they live. It was an overwhelming experience that brought me face to face with how dissatisfied I was with my relationship to my Indian identity. I was embarrassed that I could not speak or understand the language and this percolated until I decided to learn Hindi. I plan to go back to work for a while, either as a placement during my degree or after. I am excited to hopefully experience India on my own and as someone who is living there for a period of time. I have never been to Zimbabwe but I would love to. I always feel conflicted as despite it being where my Dad grew up for 20 odd years, I don't feel that I have much claim to it. I do have a half sister who lives in South Africa and it would be lovely to spend some time with her so maybe I will make plans to go at some point!
When I was a child I was very self conscious and embarrassed of being mixed, I felt that I didn't belong anywhere and that I would always exist in this strange limbo. I still have many confusing feelings about identity now but I would say I am grateful to belong in multiple spheres, to live at the intersection of two cultures and that I embrace it much more. I think it will definitely change, it is a lifelong journey to own who I am and I hope that in the future I continue to explore being mixed and to accept it even more. I have found Buddhist teachings very helpful to accept my identity as they have shown me that I was conceptualising it all wrong. I exist as an I, of course, but not in the ways I think I do and this has been most helpful.
I feel that Indians are maybe better represented than half Indians but I could be wrong. I am not always so happy with the representation I see, e.g. Priti Patel or Rishi Sunak as they do not represent anything like my experience. I feel that more important for me than my exact ethnicity being represented is the tradition and culture that could help us as a planet being represented. For example, I don't see Adavasi wisdom represented in the mainstream or the sacredness of food or seeds. However I do see this in figures like Vandana Shiva and in people doing this work I feel represented. I do not feel like I was taught by a majority of teachers who reflected back on my experience and I think this didn’t help my want to be White and erase my identity. I think teachers and those who interact with children every day can provide a wonderful mirror.
I wear a moli everyday and am reminded of the power of belief and intention. I practice yoga and meditation and have an interest in the spiritual texts of India. I also grow my own food and garden as I see the connection to nature as being important to the Indian way of life that I love, it is not necessarily one that my family who live there live by but one that is important to my Nani-ji and my family here. I use some ayurvedic wisdom and am keen to learn more about it. I have a small altar with Tibetan and Chinese Buddhas and a ganesh and I occasionally perform small pujas. I visit sites of importance when I can and honour the dead. I recently visited the Chattri memorial and performed a solo puja in honour of all those who lost their lives. As a family we celebrate Diwali every year and this is our main moment to honour our heritage.
I last cried on Friday. I was meant to see my Nani-ji and my Mum as it had just been my Nani-ji's birthday. I was really looking forward to it, I was going to show them my uni accomodation and after we would go for a meal. That morning I had done a Covid test and tested positive. I was so shocked by the positive result that I cried for a while and I was upset that of all the days it was today. I had also had plans to go for a long walk the next day, one of my favourite past times, and so I was frustrated that neither of these plans that I had been looking forward to could come to fruition. I sat and soothed myself and then I felt okay but I was mainly just so surprised by the sight of the two lines. I had been feeling ill that week but testing negative before so I was shocked!
The coronavirus pandemic affected my life in a mixture of ways. Externally it meant that I left school very abruptly and spent my year out of education largely indoors. It provided conditions for some of my lowest moments and the conditions for a shift in how I wanted to be in the world. I was very lucky in many ways as I live near a park and have a garden and this period of time really taught me the value of a connection to that which surrounds us. I was able to get a job that I deeply care about and work safely and remotely and spend time getting to know myself. I feel that the pandemic in many ways accelerated this wanting to understand myself and the ways I can be in the world. I spent much more time with my immediate family and got to know them better, therefore understanding myself in new ways. I changed a lot as a person from March 2020 to now and I feel that the pandemic in many ways provided fertile soil for this growth. The beginnings were already there but needed a push. I am aware of the privilege inherent in this experience and understand that, for many, it was a very different experience internally and externally.