English | Thai
I believed I was half Thai and Half English but after sending off for an ancestry DNA test I discovered I was in fact 50% English and 29% percent Thai as well as 21% Vietnamese! I identify as a mixed-race gay man who doesn’t really believe in religion. My Mother is from Thailand where as my Father is from England, they both met in Thailand.
I was very aware of it growing up, looking ‘Asian’ to other kids and parents in the playground. As I got older I slowly discovered I was different, not really fitting into my White side or my Asian. Having no role models in the media took quite a dark turn for me as a teenager as I bleached my skin and hair to appear more White and ‘normal’. Now, I am totally comfortable with who I am, all of the bullying and names about my race have moulded me into the person I am today and I wouldn’t change a thing.
I get told still that I dress very western and ‘White’ and I feel this was based on how I was brought up. My Mother never really taught me any Thai traditions and I still couldn’t tell you anything with a Thai element in my life. I am still secretly angry at my Mum for never teaching me the Thai language as I feel it would have benefitted me so much. So I don’t think it was combined at all, it was very much my Dads British culture.
Many, White people see me as Asian and Asian people feel I am too White. When I was younger I was constantly called offensive names which didn’t even make sense due to my heritage. This has included many people constantly asking me ‘What are you?’ referring to my skin colour and race. For me, this is an insult and horrible question as it makes me feel like a foreign object. Once answered people always answer; ‘How exotic!’ or ‘that’s so cool’ which really frustrates me as my race doesn’t make me who I am. Don’t even get me started on how many people tell me how my mixed-race babies will be the cutest, which I feel treats them as an accessory and blows my mind.
Dating as well is awful, there are two sides of the spectrum and no in between. You are either fetishized for being Asian by being someone’s ‘type’ and having them treat you like a tiny docile Asian who must be dominated. Or which I get a lot is people not finding you attractive due to being Asian or mixed-race as you are not their ‘type’ which is disgusting. Seeing bios on dating apps like ‘No Asians’ or ‘No rice, no spice and no chopsticks’ and ‘Not into Blacks or Asians, Not racist, just my preference’ is honestly horrible and makes you feel so not wanted and standardly beautiful.
Another experience I had when I was 17, I wanted to become and actor and my drama teacher told me I would never be successful in the industry due to my race. Which in a way is true due to the lack of mixed-race and Asian representation in the media still, but a teenager didn’t need this negative energy.
Friends I have no problem with due to having such a large, wide mix of friends who I love very much. But in the past I have had to correct them and educate them with what they can and can’t say. Mainly most of my friends are White and talking to other mixed-race people, White people don’t understand the struggles of being mixed-race as they haven’t experienced any hardship to do with their race.
For partners, I have to be very wary when it comes to finding people as its quite difficult as being mixed-race and gay is so hard. People are either not interested at all because I’m ‘Asian’ looking or have a fetish for Asians. I have experienced a lot of issues with men and being their ‘type’ which massively turns me off. I want you to find me attractive for being me, not because I am mixed-race.
Regarding food, I am open to trying everything. I can handle my spice which I love, may have got that from my Mother. I am interested in very western music, couldn’t tell you a single artist based on my Mums heritage which is bad. I only speak English, I wish I was taught Thai. I dress very western, never explored That culture. I used to dye my hair blonde and brown when I was younger, I didn’t want my naturally black hair as I felt it made me look too ethnic. Something I am very embarrassed about now, but it was in a way what I was taught by the media.
All positives lead to negatives in a way, but by having 2 different heritages to fall back into is nice. Also it has created something which I was so passionate about.
Being mixed race does make it difficult to blend into society. I sometimes don’t feel like I fit in as I am always looked at differently. I always feel I have a defence shield up ready to tell people what I am.
I have had people in my old workplace ask if I speak English, which made me feel so offended and never really know how to answer. But this is by customers and never by my actual employer.
If I had the opportunity to be reborn I would honestly love to just stay the way I am, but with the worlds standards of beauty and what is right I feel like I would like to return white. This was always my dream when I was younger but I feel being White would have benefitted me so much more and that is the awful truth.