English | Barbadian/Jamaican
I identify as a mixed-race, atheist, bisexual woman. Both of my parents were born in the UK, however my Dad’s heritage is very much English, while my Mum’s Father was from Barbados and her Mother was from Jamaica. They met in south London, where they both grew up. I’m not sure at what point I really clocked that there was a difference between me and the predominantly White kids that I went to school with in primary school. Race wasn’t something I’d ever really considered – it was always natural to me to be around both Black and White people when I was little. I didn’t have much concept of myself or my skin colour.
I think there were a couple of uncomfortable experiences when I was five or six that made me realise that I was clearly different: once, when a child in my class asked why my skin was dark and why my hair was frizzy. And another time when I was out with my Dad and Step Mum, going into a restaurant, and the waitress seating us paused, looked at me, and asked my Dad whether I was ‘with him’. I think this was the first time I became acutely aware of not being White, like my Dad. Also, when a teacher at primary school told me I was lying when I said my favourite food was fried plantain – she insisted that plantain didn’t exist, and I had made it up! Experiences like that made me aware that I was different.
I mostly grew up in London, which is incredibly diverse and it’s just routine to see people of all different colours and shades. I’ve never felt out of place here. Having said that, I think because I look a bit ‘ambiguous’, I do often get asked by random strangers where I’m from, and people seem to be endlessly curious about it – even in complete melting pot metropolis like London.
Because both of my parents were born in the UK and grew up in/around London, I don’t think the cultural differences were drastic – or not as drastic as they might be for some other mixed-race couples. They had curry goat served at their wedding – which I imagine was an interesting switch-up for my Dad’s side of the family!
I haven’t experienced too many ‘serious’ challenges as a result of being mixed-race – I don’t think I’ve been particularly impacted by racism or discrimination, for example, aside from the odd hateful epithet shouted out of a white van (one time I got called a ‘Paki’ while walking home from school in Eltham!). But I feel that I’m probably incredibly lucky in that respect, particularly to have grown up in a place like London where there are so many different types of people.
I think one challenge is probably the sense of not always 100% ‘belonging’ – not being ‘Black enough’ or ‘White enough’ to fit into one camp or the other, and sometimes feeling out of place as a result. I definitely felt this quite keenly at secondary school, because when you’re a teenager you’re struggling with your identity anyway and finding your place – so there were times where I wasn’t ‘White enough’ to really relate to a lot of my friends, but I also wasn’t ‘Black enough’ to fit in with some of the other friendship groups.
Another big challenge has been the sense of not fitting into the predominantly White beauty standards that are so prevalent in our society, and so feeling ‘lesser’ or less attractive – although I definitely feel like this is now changing for the better. When I was a kid there weren’t really many successful, famous women or even fictional characters that looked ‘like me’ on-screen and in magazines. But there are now so many amazing women of colour in the public eye that are incredible role models, and casting of films and TV shows is getting so much more diverse now, and I think things are getting much better.
I’m sure my environment does play a part in how I choose friends/partners to an extent, but not in a conscious way. The majority of my friends I’ve met through school, university and work, so basically just by spending a lot of time together at particular points in our lives.
I definitely think my culture and background has played a huge part in shaping my tastes. I love Caribbean food, I can’t imagine life without plantain, dumplings, hard dough bread, jerk, patties, curry goat… the list goes on. Similarly, with music, I’ve always been drawn to musical genres of Black origin: soul, hip-hop, R&B, grime, garage, afrobeats all dominate my Spotify.
As far as language and fashion go, I think my background plays a role, but it’s more as a result of growing up in London – using certain slang or vocabulary that’s everywhere. When it comes to my hair, this has always been a problem area for me: when I was younger, I found the curls and frizz really difficult to manage and kind of hated my hair as a result. Especially in the late 90s/early 00s when the trend was for poker straight, preferably blonde hair. I used to straighten it a lot, which I don’t think was great for it! More recently I’ve learned to love my curls and I’ve discovered better products and treatments to keep it in good condition.
I think being mixed-race has given me so many positive experiences – it’s allowed me to experience more than one culture, to feel comfortable with all different types of people. To be in touch with a whole world of colour and life and vibrancy and fun and music and flavour that wouldn’t be as accessible to me if I didn’t have the Caribbean part of my heritage. It’s given me the joy of going to Notting Hill Carnival pretty much every year – and proudly blowing my Barbados or Jamaica whistle!
When I was younger, I think being mixed-race definitely affected my sense of ‘blending in’ – I often felt out of place at school, whether because I’d grown up in a different environment to my White friends, or because my hair wasn’t like theirs, or because they didn’t understand the patois in pop songs, and I did. As I’ve got older, I think this has become much less of a problem because I feel secure in myself and my identity, and I don’t feel as much pressure to hide my points of difference to conform. I don’t really think about my mixed-race identity very much on a day-to-day basis.
I’ve been fortunate enough that I haven’t felt like race has ever been an issue in how I interact with people or how I’m treated at work. The only issue I’ve found is that sometimes I have to put on my ‘work’ personality – a toned-down, more reserved version of myself. Because sometimes the type of humour or the language/slang I would use at home might not play well at work. However, although race may be a slight factor in that, I think this is something everyone has to do to an extent – code-switching depending on context.
When it comes to trends like music and fashion, it’s hard to know how much of my preferences are connected with being mixed-race and how much is just my personal tastes. But I do love fashion – and I love seeing more models of colour and diverse body types being used in campaigns. Music-wise, I’m loving the fact that genres like grime, neo-soul, rap and afrobeats are absolutely dominating popular music at the moment – it feels like mainstream music is finally waking up to the stuff I’ve loved forever and have grown up listening to.
If I had the opportunity to be reborn I wouldn’t change anything. I feel massively grateful to have such wonderful parents and to have been born with this dual identity. Imagine growing up without fried plantain! Not the one.