English | English/Jamaican
My parents were both born in Britain. My Mum is English and my Dad is of mixed English and Jamaican heritage. It was my Grandad who was the first out of my family to migrate to the UK from Jamaica. He was part of the Windrush generation and was only 20 years old when he left. I can’t imagine how scary that must have been. But, I’m extremely grateful for the culture he brought with him as well as his resilience to build a new life for himself on foreign shores, working on the London trains for 45 years. I’m beyond proud of my Grandad’s bravery.
As a mixed-race person who can be mistaken as White, sometimes it can feel like you can’t celebrate your heritage like others can, out of fear that people may judge you or think that you’re appropriating, before they know the facts. But, nowadays whenever I have these moments of doubt, I just think of my Grandad, his courage and what he sacrificed to leave his home country with minimal belongings and not knowing what the other side of the ocean would be like. To not celebrate my Jamaican heritage would be to dishonour my Grandad and all that he risked to create a new life, a family and ultimately bring me into this world. To not celebrate my Jamaican heritage would be disregarding the sacrifice, risk and bravery that brought me here. Acknowledging my history helps put things into perspective. This is how I got here and this is who I am, it’s really that simple.
I’ve had my ups and downs like many people. My mental health isn’t always the best and that’s something I’ve grappled with, especially as someone diagnosed with ADHD which comes with its own daily challenges, making life feel chaotic and confusing. It’s very misunderstood in adults, so that can be frustrating too. But my ADHD is something I’m slowly learning to manage: I attend therapy, I make sure I speak to other people who also have ADHD and I try my best to practise mindfulness in a way that works for me. This is usually through movement such as climbing, skateboarding, cycling or even just walking (totally underrated).
Before the pandemic hit, I was stuck in some pretty unhealthy routines not knowing how I could get out of them. In a strange way the pandemic was an essential piece to the puzzle as it was my starting block. I also have ADHD which makes it especially difficult to slow down, but when the world went into lockdown I didn’t have a choice but to stop. It provided me with the breathing space I needed to really learn about myself and ultimately forced me to confront some hard truths that otherwise I probably would have continued to ignore.
Pre-pandemic was an extremely challenging time. I had just come out of a long-term relationship, I was still grieving the loss of my cousin at the same time of unexpectedly losing a close friend, I had no job or housing stability and it was just too much to deal with so I knew something needed to change. In December 2019 I decided to stop drinking completely. It was really difficult because at the time, I felt like drinking and going out was such a huge part of my personality, so I felt completely lost after giving it up but I knew it was a necessary step in the healing process. Although it’s less of a ‘challenge’ now, being almost 3 years sober, it’s something that will always be on going, just nowadays the load is lighter because I have progressively worked on myself and I have my sobriety to thank for that. It was around this time that I started to explore my identity because I really needed to find out who I was again.
It’s not uncommon for me to cry when I’m writing because most of the time it’s the first time I’ve been able to materialise difficult feelings and emotions. I find it extremely hard to verbally express my emotions to others. Writing my thoughts down and journaling has become an important middle ground so that I don’t have to keep things all to myself. I’m able to unload through writing. I’m a lot more emotional these days but I think that’s just been all a part of growing. I used to hide my emotions at all cost as I saw crying as weakness. Now I see it as showing strength. It takes real courage to show vulnerability like that and I really admire those who aren’t afraid to express themselves in this way. I strive to be more like that.
When I was younger I learnt very quickly that when I was in largely White spaces I needed to tone things down. I’m slowly learning to own my identity but past experiences teach you to keep your guard up, almost subconsciously. It’s a difficult pattern to grow out of. I went to school in a town called Hastings where White British make up 94% of the population so as you can imagine diversity was lacking on an astronomical scale, with mixed White and Black Caribbeans making up just 0.4%. This actually made me even prouder of my Jamaican heritage as I knew it was different. I loved this but soon realised others didn’t have the same appreciation.
This first materialised through people making jokes about the stereotypes of Jamaicans in response to me talking about my family, despite it having zero relevance to what I would be saying. I enjoyed listening to hip hop and reggae which was often poked fun at. People took so much satisfaction in telling me ‘You know you’re not Black right?’ Or, ‘you’re more
White than you are Black’. These responses often came after I would talk about anything related to Black culture, as if I wasn’t allowed to be part of that community, let alone celebrate it. While living in Hastings, I also experienced racism. Kids have told me all the horrible things the colour Brown was associated with. A common insult was to tell me to wash my face because it was dirty. I’ve heard racial slurs from the sidelines at football matches and I also remember a friend's parent telling me I shouldn’t spend too long in the sun as I’ll get darker.
It’s important for me to acknowledge my own privilege. I’m very aware that my ethnic ambiguity has meant people often can’t place me. This can be frustrating as you want to be perceived correctly and feel seen. Although, it’s also meant I haven’t had to experience the same level of racism that other friends have who are more obviously mixed, Brown or Black. This idea has often stopped me from speaking about the racism that I have experienced as if it doesn’t matter, or being as vocal as how I am now about my identity.
However, as I’ve got older I’ve realised that my experiences as a mixed-race person are completely valid, they are real and lived and it has had a knock on effect on how I relate to the world and other people. As I grow older, I’ve learnt to own who I am, own my experiences and most importantly own how they have affected me. By doing that I’ve been able to develop a much stronger sense of self which has been very liberating.
I guess it was slowly drilled into me that Whiteness was to be celebrated and anything outside of that was not. You’re so easily influenced and innocent as a child that I guess you start to become compliant. Shamefully, this is probably what caused me to hide my identity more and more as I went through school and onto college. It’s easy to be hard on myself about this but in retrospect, I realise that I was only a kid who was probably just in survival mode and that’s okay.
Collectively the women I’ve met in my football team continue to inspire and motivate me to become the best version of myself. I played football my entire childhood but stopped once I went to university. My sobriety encouraged me to rediscover my love for it again in Summer 2020 but what kept me coming back were the people I met. I’ve played for so many teams in the past but this time it felt different, I felt a part of something really special. A community. One where I felt seen, understood and safe.
I’m one of the youngest in my team so I think naturally some of my older teammates really took me under their wing at a time when I really needed it. I get emotional talking about my football team because it’s hard to put into words the positive impact it’s had on me. I’ll always be incredibly grateful for their support and teachings.
Joining Romance FC was also the first time I was surrounded by so many amazing women of colour. A lot of them work in the creative industries too, like me, so it was really inspiring to see. But most importantly it was a space I felt comfortable and safe in, something I had been struggling to find. If I’m being completely honest, I didn’t quite know what I was searching for, but when I felt that sense of belonging for the first time, it was like a little light bulb went off and my brain said ‘This is it! This is what it should feel like’. So I just instinctively knew I had found it. For me, it really highlighted how important it is to be around people who have shared experiences which you can relate to, otherwise you can end up feeling alienated. Being in a space where I don’t have to feel like this has meant I’ve been able to grow as a person and just enjoy being my authentic self.
I think everyone, no matter what background you’re from need to see racism as their problem. Because it is, it’s all our problem and the burden to encourage change and educate shouldn’t fall on only people of colour. It’s so mentally draining and exhausting. I’ve found that because of my light complexion, it’s incredible what people will say around me because they assume you won’t be offended, it’s so stupid and ignorant.
One of the hardest times for me was 2020, just after the killing of George Floyd had been brought to global attention and the BLM movement was making waves in the headlines. I felt hurt by what I was witnessing and outraged by those not being supportive of the movement.
It’s all I wanted to talk about, I needed to vent and process what was happening but I couldn’t understand why others were keeping quiet and so avoidant of conversation surrounding the subject. But then I came to the depressing realisation that people didn’t care. The same people who thought the marches were ‘unnecessary’ were the same people who have never felt discrimination. Division had never been more obvious but it highlighted the a huge issue we face when it comes to educating people.
I think acceptance around my identity has been the biggest challenge. I’ve often felt like I couldn’t relate to people because I was stuck in the common dilemma of not being ‘White enough’ or not ‘Black enough’ rather than just focusing on myself. I think it’s crazy how we let our outward appearance dictate how far we can associate ourselves with our own heritage. Can we please start taking the power out of percentages and put it back into our actual lived experiences?! That would make a lot more sense.
The dynamic between me and my brother is a great example. Although we share the same genetic make up, our skin tones are different with mine being the darker out of the two. This very small factor in our lives has meant our realities have been different despite having the same upbringing. I find it fascinating how such a small detail changes the way we each view the world and how the world views us.
Although I don’t believe it’s a necessity, I would like to visit Jamaica one day as I do think it would be a very liberating experience and allow me to connect to my roots even further. I have no doubt that I will visit in the near future.
I work in the TV industry and just by looking around the set or in the office, the lack of diversity is painfully obvious. Ofcom released a report (Diversity and Equal Opportunities in Television) in 2017 that found ethnic minorities to only make up 12% of employees across the five main broadcasters, lower than the UK population average of 14%. ITV, who is my current employer, had the lowest percentage of employees who were from an ethnic minority background out of the five. Recently there’s been a lot of talk surrounding positive change in the industry, however I really hope that in the next few years I can start to see it. There’s a lot of barriers in the way, making it hard for minority groups to get into the television industry which only widens the cultural gap further.
I feel so incredibly blessed to be mixed-race as it gave me such a beautiful perspective of life growing up and what it means to embrace all people and places. It’s so important for me to extend respect to those who have different cultures and beliefs to my own as how can we grow as a society if we’re not learning about each other and celebrating the differences. It’s a privilege to be able to continue to pass down and preserves my family’s culture and there’s absolutely nothing that will ever stop me from doing that.