English | Korean
My Mother is from South Korea and my Father is from England, they met in England. My Mum came here to study fashion and was taking a walk in the park. She was very fashionable and stood out in the predominantly grey-coloured clothed Britons. My Dad approached her and they got talking, then fell in love despite the language and cultural barrier, and then I came along!
I've never felt like I quite belong to either of my parents' cultures. For British people, I am too 'Asian looking' so have faced questions such as 'where did you learn English?' or 'wow your name is so English'. For Koreans, I can't speak Korean properly so I am not considered Korean, and my values are deemed too 'westernised'. Sometimes my English family feel I aspire to be too Korean, and my Korean family in Korea feel they can't connect with me due to the language barrier and at times, the cultural barrier.
I used to pretend I was Chinese or Japanese as a child because it was so much effort to a) explain I am half Korean half English and b) to explain where Korea was in the world. At that time, not many people knew of Korea and only thought China and Japan were East Asian countries.
My role model is Bruce Lee, as cliche as it may seem. It's kind of incredible what Bruce Lee was able to accomplish in his time because the barriers were even higher back then. He inspired everyone and never stopped improving himself - there was no glass ceiling with Lee despite the current times of becoming successful as an Asian man in the Western world. Many of Lee’s achievements came from his ability to overcome limits. One of my favourite quotes by Lee that I remind myself of when I feel unmotivated is ‘if you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else. It will spread in your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them.’
I have been called half-cast, Chinese, Yellow, exotic, alien and half-blooded 혼혈 (hon-hyeol) which is the Korean word to describe someone half Korean but has negative connotations, as Koreans associate being fully Korean as pure-blooded. This is why I chose my social media handle name as Hanguk Hapa meaning Korean Halfie. Hapa is a Hawaiian word to describe someone that is mixed which doesn't have negative connotations attached to it.
As a child, I disliked being half-Korean and wanted to be fully English. I was never proud to be mixed-race because in the area I lived most people would only associate mixed-race with being half Black half White, and if I tried to claim being mixed-race I would get laughed at and told I am not mixed-race. It hurt me that people assumed my White Father was not related to me (I was a Daddy's girl) and I hated children remarking on my features in school which was predominantly White in a suburban area. I shunned my Mother trying to teach me Korean culture and language as a child and would retort to her 'I am English!', and regretfully I watched her try less and less. This is something I deeply regret, as I can't imagine how difficult it must have been for my Mother to move to a foreign country, marry a foreign man and have her own daughter push her culture away.
I am also separated from my Mother's family in Korea which takes its toll on enhancing my Korean speaking skills. For these reasons and more, I am passionate about sharing Korean culture and learning more about it myself. I only really started to embrace my heritage when the Hallyu wave began in the early 2000s and I saw non-Koreans embracing Korean music and drama and food. When I saw K Pop stars that resembled my own features I began to take more pride in my looks and Korean culture. Ironically, whenever I visit my Korean family I feel a different kind of connection with them than I do with my English family. It's a different way of showing love - my English family are more reserved with showing feelings of affection (the stiff British upper lip), whereas my Korean family shower me with affection and love. Neither is more or less, it's just different.
As a teacher I find that the diverse community are not represented enough as teachers or within senior roles. This is a huge issue to represent diversity and for children to see those in positions of power that resemble them - especially in places with a diverse demographic. Most staff either assume I was not born here and learnt English, or may ask the question , 'so where are you actually from?' to which I reply 'I'm from here', which usually comes with an awkward laugh and confusion.
I recently faced discrimination at work, where my skills and credentials were questioned due to the fact most of my colleagues think I am not British and see me as 'exotic'. I had considered staying quiet to avoid conflict, but too many times this had happened for me to let it go again. I calmly asked them if they asked other colleagues about their professionalism , and why I had been the target of multiple cross-examinations, listing the date and what had been said to me one by one to them. Sometimes, you have to call out the elephant in the room.
Filial piety and respect to elders and parents - this is really important to me from my Korean side as I regret not having spent time with my Korean Grandparents. I feel I could have learnt so much from them. Having something called jeong in Korean - the act of giving and not expecting anything back and treating others as you would like to be treated. I try to live by these ways of living - as well as celebrating harvest fest, kimjang (making kimchi for winter), and the lunar new year are all important dates to celebrate.
The last time I cried was when my Uncle died last year during Christmas time of covid. It was a huge shock to the Korean community as my Uncle was a well-respected pastor, and healthy and young. I had only just visited him in hospital when I got a message the next day to say he had passed away as his lungs had collapsed. The more painful part was the unexpectedness and how quick it all happened.