English/Irish | Grenadian
It’s taken me a long time to accept that it’s okay to identify as simply being mixed-race, as I’ve spent my whole life trying to answer questions from people about whether I feel ‘more Black’ or ‘more White’ and panicking about how to respond. I do refer to myself as a Black person, because I feel this is how I am seen by society and I think sometimes your self-identity can be a reflection of how others see you. But I think it’s also important for me to understand and recognise that whilst some of my experiences will be similar to that of a Black person, the colour of my skin also gives me a level of privilege that Black people don’t have access to. My Dad was born in London to an English Mother and Irish Father and my Mum was born in Trinidad to Grenadian parents. She moved to London when she was 4 and they met at work when they were 19.
My Mum was very young when she moved over here so much of her West Indian culture stemmed from older family members. As she got older she adopted a much more Western culture which evolved over time. I think it’s important to recognise that you can still maintain a strong identity without practising the specific cultures from where you come from on a regular basis, whether that be cooking certain foods or listening to a specific music genre. I think the expectation from others that you have to act in a certain way has contributed to me struggling with my own identity because I’ve been made to feel that I’m not ‘Black enough’ and have abandoned my culture in a way. In terms of my Father, he spent a lot of time mixing with Black people, whether that be on the football pitch or dating my Mum so he very much embraced the culture in that sense. We always laugh because my Dad is the only White person I know who moisturises every day, which no doubt has stemmed from both living with my Mum and observing the post-shower rituals of the Black men he played football with.
I think interracial relationships on the whole are more widely accepted today than in my parent’s generation. My parents circle was very interracial and they both grew up in London so they didn’t experience racial abuse as such but were very aware of being stared at in public places at times. I think it was often worse for heterosexual couples, in which the woman was White and then man was Black…it was a blow to White men’s egos that a White woman dared to fancy a Black man over them. Whilst I think our acceptance of interracial couples has improved significantly, I do think there’s a failure in society of being able to recognise that the product of these relationships will be children that don’t necessarily look like either of their parents. I have been mistaken for being my Father’s partner numerous times which I just don’t think would happen if I were White. It does seem strange to me that in 2019 it’s more realistic for a man 37 years older than me to be my husband than my Father, because the colour of our skin differs. On top of this I still think there is this idea that mixed relationships are simply the result of a fetish. I’ve had people ask me if I find it strange knowing that my Dad likes Black women.
I have strong political and moral views which ultimately stem from my culture and heritage. For me these values are my non-negotiables and it would be important to me that any partner I have align with these. Some people would probably feel that having similar political and social views to your partner shouldn’t necessarily be as important as I feel it is, but I think that’s likely because they’re privileged enough for it not to matter.
I think the biggest positive for me is feeling connected to multiple countries. When visiting both the Caribbean and Ireland I feel a sense of belonging, which I think is pretty special considering how different the cultures are and the physical distance between the locations. I also think that being mixed-race forces you to view the world in a more tolerant way. Originating from a single race can make it easier for people to have a narrow view of how the world works and base their outlook on the history they have been taught (which as we know often leaves huge chunks of important global history out). For me, being mixed-race has made me inquisitive and driven me to research and read more about the history of the places I am from. I also think being mixed-race has given me a very low threshold for discriminatory behaviour. Too often people are excused for being racist because they are elderly, arguing that ‘it’s just the way things were back then’. My Grandparents were born in 1914 and 1930 and I never felt anything other than love from them. Having a White father who is so aware of the White privilege he has, whilst constantly trying to learn more about how the history of how his own culture is built on the back of slavery and racial discrimination, has shown me that it is possible for other White people to be this self-aware and that I shouldn’t settle for less than this from others in my life.
I’ve definitely struggled with feeling as if I don’t fit it anywhere. Never being fully comfortable in Black spaces but equally very clearly not being White. This was exacerbated by constantly having my identity questioned. I’ve had White people tell me they’re ‘more Black’ than I am because they listen to hip hop and I listen to Bon Iver. Furthermore, I think given the rhetoric we are subconsciously fed by society, that Black is bad and White is good, it’s natural to try and suppress that part of you (this even being an option for me also shows the privilege I have as a mixed-race person compared to a Black person). Growing up I wasn’t often surrounded by many Black people, aside from my Mum. I remember longing to be like my friends and what I thought was ‘normal’… I didn’t want my wild hair, wide hips or thick thighs. On top of that, I felt that the colour of my skin was very much fetishised. I lost count of the number of times the words ‘lighty’ or ‘caramel’ and even once ‘mocha choca latte’ were yelled at me across the street (this was often by grown men when I had barely started my GCSEs). This along with the objectification and sexualisation of the typical ‘bottom-heavy’ Black body I inherited, played a part in me resenting my own ethnicity and becoming extremely uncomfortable in my body, which is something I still struggle with today. Lastly, I think people are often intrigued when someone’s ethnic background isn’t obvious, which often results in being asked where I come from about 2 minutes in to meeting someone. I find this frustrating because whilst being mixed-race is an important part of my identity it’s not the most interesting thing about me. In my own experience, there’s nothing like being asked where you come from to make you feel like you don’t belong.
I have visited the Caribbean a few times. These trips usually involve some time spent visiting family but are mostly just recreational holidays. Even though I’ve grown up and lived in London my whole life, I definitely feel a sense of ‘returning home’ when we do visit. I think being in a country where you aren’t ‘other’ and the large majority of people look like you is extremely comforting in some ways.
As a young child, I don’t even think I was fully aware I was mixed-race and it wasn’t something that was really on my radar. I think this was why it was so strange to me, as I grew older, that people seemed so interested in my ethnicity, considering it wasn’t something I had ever contemplated properly before. As a teenager, all I wanted to do was fit in and be the same as everyone around me. It’s only now that I’m more comfortable with my identity, I’m able to really love and embrace the fact that I am mixed-race.
If I were to be born again the only thing I would change about myself is trying to care less about what others think of me. I think this has held me back in lots of ways; especially in terms of trying to change who I am in order to fit the mould and expectations people have created for me.