British/Irish | Filipino
Academically, my particular area of interest was in infectious disease outbreaks for several years prior to the pandemic. So you can imagine how much my life changed quite dramatically when everything I had been learning about in theory was suddenly unfolding in front of me. I work in a COVID response team now, which can be extremely stressful at times, but very rewarding.
The pandemic has gifted me with time to work through some of the struggles that I have been facing with my identity. I have particularly enjoyed finding books written about multicultural families like mine and my reading list continues to grow. I have also used this period of my life to expose myself to the voices of other mixed-race individuals speaking out about their lived experience. While there are many commonalities between us, I think it is important not to oversimplify the mixed-race experience and condense it into a single narrative. I am so grateful for platforms like this which allow mixed-race individuals to tell their stories. I believe that there is so much that I can learn from others who are mixed, but who are not necessarily from the same background as myself.
My Mum grew up on a farm in Mindanao, a southern island in the Philippines and my Dad grew up in a small village in Berkshire, UK. My paternal Grandmother is English and my paternal Grandfather is Irish.
My parents met by chance in the 80s while they were both working in Saudi Arabia. My Mum is a nurse and had been recruited from the Philippines to work at a hospital in Taif. My Dad had emigrated there from the UK, seeking work that paid a more liveable wage. A couple of years later they got married in Manila and settled in London soon after. Looking back, the combination of my parents' cultures was very subtle. Although, perhaps it feels this way to me because of how ingrained these practices became in the way that we lived. The fusion of these cultures was probably most apparent at meal times. I don't think I knew what 'bangers and mash' was until I was a teenager, since we had always eaten our sausages with rice!
When I started university, I felt like I was constantly having to explain myself or trying to justify the claim I had to my heritage. The fact that I am not bilingual also often led to dismissal. The increase in questions about where I am from and the experience of rejection in spaces that I had previously felt like I belonged to instilled doubt within me. Doubt about my identity, how I had been raised and whether I could ever be 'enough' for any of my cultures. I began to feel like an imposter on both sides of my family and for the first time, I was unsure of how exactly I was supposed to 'identify'.
I am now learning Tagalog, but it has taken me a couple of years to get to this point. Part of this is because I knew I initially wanted to learn the language for a sense of belonging to a culture I was beginning to feel shut out of and by learning it, I thought my claim to my Filipino heritage would be justified. However, I have come to the realisation that my broken Tagalog does not make me any less Filipino. Neither does yesterday's failed attempt at making bibingka or the ever-growing gap since my last trip to Mindanao. Learning the language is hugely important to me and at times, feels like a missing link in my connection to Filipino culture. However, my identity has been shaped by so much more than this. Now I just want to enjoy learning the language to feel closer to this part of my heritage and I choose not to do so for anyone else's approval.
It is interesting how much people believe they can infer my identity from the way that I look. The majority of people I meet don't believe me when they find out that I am mixed-race. It is always a strange situation to be in and I am uncomfortable with the erasure of any part of my identity.
I benefit from White passing privilege and I first became aware of this when I was 11. While walking down the street with a Filipino friend, a group of kids targeted her, yelling racial slurs, but they left me alone. It was a shock to realise that although our mothers were born in the same country and we were raised in such similar ways, I would move through and experience the world differently to her because of the colour of my skin.
It doesn't come without its challenges but I do love being mixed. Food is my love language and I am happiest when connecting to my cultures through my favourite dishes. I am always really eager to introduce my friends to Filipino cuisine in particular and it has been such a delight to see Filipino-owned restaurants, bakeries and cafes thriving in London in recent years.
I have been to Ireland many times and would often visit my Grandad in the summer. The town that we are from is so small, there are probably more of my relatives living there than there are cows. Everywhere we would go, we would bump into a distant cousin or another great Aunt! A couple of years ago, we mapped out our Irish family tree and had a family reunion in our little town. I got to meet some of my extended family members for the very first time and it is one of my fondest memories.
I went to the Philippines twice when I was still very young. My family were so welcoming and our arrival was always treated like a celebration. It was clear that they wanted my sister and I to be exposed to everyday life there as much as possible. We would go to work with my Aunt, purchase our groceries for the week at the morning market and she would take us to visit the local school too. It was amazing being able to visit the places my Mum used to frequent and to learn more about what she gave up and the family she had to leave behind to start her new life in the UK. This was an important lesson and I'm glad she made the decision to take us there at such a young age. Sadly, it has been 15 years since my last visit, but I hope to return very soon.
My outlook on being mixed has definitely changed as I have grown older. I was very lucky to grow up with a circle of Filipino and other mixed-race Filipino friends, with our parents also being very close. It meant that despite the distance from the Philippines, there were always opportunities to immerse myself in Filipino culture. I spent many a weekend as a child learning traditional folk dances, bonding with my friends over our love for ube and trying to grasp what was happening in teleseryes on TFC. As a child, among this little community, I do not remember ever feeling out of place or being treated differently because I was mixed, I was just family.
The way I felt about my identity began to change in my late teens and particularly, when I started university. All of a sudden I felt like I was constantly having to explain myself or trying to justify the claim I had to my heritage. I began to feel like an imposter on both sides of my family and for the first time, I was unsure of how exactly I was supposed to 'identify'. I realise I still have a lot to unpack when it comes to my identity. Even though I feel like I have done a lot of work in recent years to get to this point, I am only really at the beginning of my journey.
Colourism is undeniably ingrained in Filipino culture and you are much more likely to see mestizos (mixed-race Filipinos) and lighter-skinned individuals in advertisements or starring roles. This isn't representation to me and instead, only perpetuates the White-washing of beauty standards and the underrepresentation of non-mixed Filipinos in the media.
I have held on to small traditions and little quirks from each of my cultures which have just become a part of my everyday life. This ranges from ensuring we have at least 12 round fruits in the house on New Years, to my firm loyalty to one specific Irish soda bread recipe.
My mixed race background led me to become heavily involved with volunteering for the blood cancer charity Anthony Nolan. They do amazing work to match patients in need with donors for stem cell transplantation. The diversification of the stem cell register is so important and something I feel very strongly about. Patients are often more likely to find a match in a person from the same ethnic background. Sadly, there are long-standing disparities in access to stem cell transplants for mixed-race patients, due to the underrepresentation of those from similar backgrounds on the register. No one should have to be denied a potentially life-saving treatment because of their ethnicity and I dream of a day where every person waiting for a stem cell transplant will be able to find the match they need.