Dutch | Zambian
I identify as biracial when speaking in English, as double blood when speaking in Dutch and as ‘Morena’ (Brown) or Afro Peruvian when speaking in Spanish. All three languages are connected to different cultures I have grown up in and have interacted with the most. These have differing histories and approaches to the identification of race, nationality and culture. Usually in the Netherlands many people would refer to me as ‘half-blood’ which I have always disliked; inferring one is not a complete person, insinuating one is not ‘enough’ of one of each race and culture of their parents and the term itself reminded me of ‘half cast’, which has a negative history itself. Luckily, the new term double blood gives one a sense of fullness and carries pride and richness of having more than one culture.
My Mother is from the Netherlands and my biological Father is from Zambia. They met in Zambia but he left before I was born so I have never met him. As my Mother moved to Tanzania she met my present Father, who I grew up with, and he is from Peru. Both my parents lived in different countries in Africa such as Lesotho, Zambia and Tanzania before we all got together as one family and settled in Peru for twelve years.
I grew up speaking Spanish, English and Dutch at home. All three mixed throughout conversations with my late younger sister and sometimes with my Mother. I would mix Spanish and English with my Father and we would mainly use these two as well while eating at the table all together. My parents did do their best to force my sister and I to focus on one language when speaking to them to ensure we would fully be able to express ourselves in that language. It would be funny sometimes because my sister and I would begin a sentence and halfway through switch to another and, even though, they would perfectly know what we were saying they would still pretend they didn’t. Initially it drove me crazy but now, I appreciate this a lot! I have learned to embrace knowing all these languages and can make use of them in many different situations and countries without having become lazy. It is not just that it allowed us to become more fluent in each one but it enriched our interest and respect for them. I take the time now to really learn from a specific language and go deeper into its roots when it comes to sound, alphabetical combinations in written form, intonation and accent. This, as always, brings us in connection as well with the culture where a language is spoken.
I believe language is one of my strongest gateways into human souls/mind and our social life at large. It has the power to create but also carries the danger of oppressing, blinding and silencing realities. I view it like this: focusing more on the intricacies of language teaches one a lot about what has been shaping a group’s reality such as race and culture. Take the example of mixed-race or biracial itself. These terms were not familiar to me growing up, therefore, I did not identify as such and my experiences relied on the race recognized in my environment through language: Black and Brown. Nevertheless, there was a lot more I experienced internally for which I could not verbalize or explain even to myself simply because I did not have the language to express it. This, in turn, taught me time and time again about the power of language. This is partially why I enjoy writing short stories and poetry in all three languages: as I express myself I learn about the language which teaches me a bit more about the culture which teaches me again about myself within this culture. This is also how my parents manifested parts of their culture through their way of speaking to themselves, each other and us. As usual, that brought certain misunderstandings and difficulties since each of them had more of a focus on a mother tongue to understand the world, whilst, my sister and I learned to understand the world through multiple languages simultaneously. In a way, we could bridge perspectives and viewpoints that would be a struggle point for our parents. So, in a funny way, their persistence on us understanding and learning each language made it easier for us to help them understand each other.
My Mother told me that some family members were negative about several of her relationships with foreign men because they were led by negative stereotypes such as the ‘typical womanizer’ of the foreign and non-White people. Even one commented on the fact that she could never have or would want to deal with having a Brown child while being a White mother like my mother did. Several family members would have a tendency to make explicit racist comments even while being in contact with or having a family member of a certain race. These negative, isolating, excluding and destructive views on ‘the other’ and on coming together are something still very real and persistent today. I also remember the Aunts of my boyfriend as a teenager would encourage him to date White people with the idea that it would make the race and bloodline ‘better’. As I reflect more about it I have realized it is not simply difficult histories but the way and lack of treating traumas that has created and keeps such patterns of perception alive.
I notice that past generations in my family had less exposure to what is different, had more limiting beliefs, lived to fit in and survive, focused more on reaching economic stability and following socially known, imposed and approved paths. All these for me are indicators that mental health was neglected. I often noticed that fear, unrecognized and untreated past emotional pain usually led to a closed-mindset, or what some scientists would call a survival brain. In this state one will most likely be more prone to rejecting, categorizing and becoming defensive. Different from the larger family, though, I grew up in a household where it was made clear implicitly and explicitly that relationships with any other race or culture was accepted. My parents also recognized certain biases from their own families giving us a different pattern of awareness.
Growing up in a family that gave me freedom to explore and exposed me to different cultures, I cannot say I identify as a particular culture that has a label, especially, not one recognized. I feel like I am someone who grew up being mixed-race in a multicultural household where my parents also did not feel entirely in connection with their culture either. I always felt as the ‘outsider’ in all social groups and I never had a sense of being from anywhere in particular or belonging somewhere. I was usually the different one for being the only one that did not look like the rest of my family, I was not baptized or religious like others in school and was always in predominantly non-Black environments. When I was younger I saw it as being alone and segregated with a potential to adapt quickly to many different people and circumstances but still always without belonging, feeling entirely safe or feeling committed to any group. As I approached my late teens that began to develop into me seeing that a lot of what we called a specific culture could not literally exist as such over time and space. Labels and categories in an ever-changing world are difficult ideas to maintain in real life and may, at some point, become repressing for some. Being born into a freedom to choose and exposure to variety, it became clear I should focus on creating my personal culture instead of feeling alienated by cultural concepts that existed at the time.
I decided my personal culture is going to be founded upon norms and values I am building over the years whilst learning from others. The Peruvian, Dutch, Tanzanian culture have had some influence growing up but, ever since I began my journey living on my own and with a greater distance from family members, I am expanding based on the knowledge from many cultures. I guess the internet and travelling enables that now far more than for previous generations. I keep learning from philosophers, professors, spiritual teachers, coaches, history recordings and artists that tackle all the senses that come from different cultures with different ways of thinking and expressing themselves. Opening to learn more about the universe and the self, my personal culture is one basing itself more and more on freedom of expression, continuity, plasticity, togetherness and connection. With this in mind, my personal culture definitely looks to choose partners that want to remain open to learning from those who are very different while interested in opening borders and barriers.
Growing up mixed-race for me developed into realizing I could also enjoy all the beauties and lessons from multiple cultures and be a connector between many on the sides who have difficulty understanding the other. On one hand, I have been more easily accepted into social groups because of it: allowing me quicker and deeper access into the sharing of music, food and people’s stories.
Growing up in Peru there was a stronger focus on my skin colour and features which connected me to Black people but no emphasis on being mixed-race per se. I earlier would get racist remarks on the street, such as being asked to go through the back door because that was the one for the maids while leaving my sister at day care or experiences such as being thrown out of a shop, even after explaining that the woman walking in front of me was my mother, because it was assumed I was begging for money. As you see, the attention was on being dark and these incidents show the lack of familiarity with mixed-race children. In other countries like the Netherlands I would earlier be confronted with questions about my parents background. The race and nationality of my parents would be important to others and a point of focus. People would earlier split it and make you feel like you had to choose or they would use their knowledge of stereotypes of each separate race and nationality to create an image and definition of you. This would happen whilst simultaneously feeling one is disregarded as a person with their own identity and culture because the ‘main race and culture’ of the parents is of importance. Like I am simply a product and not a living being with agency and own will. It could make me feel invisible even in environments where mixed race children were celebrated in one way or another.
I would usually recognize two different scenarios taking place. On one hand, an environment was quite segregated making you feel like you had to navigate each race and culture separately. Here I would feel the pain and sadness of there not being a connection, sometimes even deep dislike towards each other and unrecognized fear that projected anger. In these situations I would also find myself quite stressed out about what was right and wrong, and whether I had to choose a specific group and view point in order to be morally correct as well. Or, an environment would be mixed but neglect the history and cultural heritage of, especially, many of the non-White sector where I felt both implicit and explicit discrimination taking place.