English | Jamaican
I am mixed Caribbean and White, an atheist and heterosexual. My Mum is from Wales; her parents emigrated from Jamaica. They are part of the Windrush generation. My Dad is from London.
When we were kids, my Mum would always be playing reggae in the house, especially on a Saturday when she was cleaning. She made Jamaican food a lot. When my Grandparents came over from Jamaica they moved to Wales and that’s where they had 5 children. My Mum brought me and my three brothers up in Oxfordshire. We were one of the very few Black/Brown families in the small town where we lived. I had the usual racial slurs thrown in my direction, I had to learn to be pretty tough. As an adult, I realise I have learned to make myself as palatable as possible to others, in shops, on the train…at work. I had a lot of negativity shown to me as a result of my skin colour when I was a child as a result of the ignorance of the people around me. When I go back there now, not much has changed. The area has seen a lot of regeneration happen but there is definitely an undercurrent.
Once when I was walking through a local village in the summer when I was around 16, a man got off his bicycle and came over to me and said, ‘I’ve just seen you on the television’. I just nervously chucked and went on my way. When I got to my boyfriend’s house, his Mum told me that he was talking about Serena Williams. Though that is a massive compliment, that’s clearly not how he meant it.
Having been brought up in an area where there were very few people of colour, so I became very adept at following common trends and culture. I never listened to reggae with my friends, but I know all the words to Oasis’s songs and Sclub7! Not saying I hated it but when Lauryn Hill and TLC reached my ears I was reborn!
My Grandparents had 5 children in this country and all 5 of them are with Caucasian partners. There were no other Black people where they grew up. I am not sure how my Grandparents felt about it really, but it happened, and all of their grandchildren are mixed-race. My children’s Dad is White, and my children appear White too. My Grampy isn’t with us anymore but, if he were, I am not sure how he would feel about that! My Grandfather passed away before I became a real adult really, I would have loved to know him as a grown up. He had some very ‘traditional’ views and I wonder how he would have adapted to the different ways our family has evolved.
I don’t think my culture affected my choice in partners particularly. My husband and I grew up together and have been together since we were 17. He has always fully embraced the Jamaican side of my family and culture, he knows more about music than I do and has re-introduced me to people I had forgotten about from when Mum used to play her records. Sometimes he’ll play someone he never has before, and I know all the words from when Mum used to play them.
As I get older, I learn to appreciate the ability to assimilate into lots of different cultures. I understand White British culture but, as the grandchild of immigrants, I can relate with people who come from somewhere else.
I grew up in Oxford, but I moved to London for university and that was the first time I really thought of myself as mixed-race. I had always been ‘Black’ because there were no grey areas where I grew up. I didn’t realise that there were other people like me out there. I met a wonderful girl at university who is mixed-race, and she grew up in London. She had a strong sense of identity with all the places she comes from. Our lives have pretty much run in parallel in terms of marriage and children and we are still great friends.
An odd thing that happens to me really often is that I am mistaken for other people. People stop me on the street and start talking to me like they know me. I get told all the time I look like so-and-so’s cousin/daughter/friend. I call it: Standard Mixed-Race Girl Face. I am not sure how I feel about it really, it’s never one type of person who stops me, different races have stopped me throughout time. My Mum once chased a woman down a street thinking it was me! I am always telling her to put on her glasses though!
People find my accent quite confusing I think. Because I grew up in Oxford, I have a ‘you could be from anywhere’ type of accent. When I am on the phone, I am sure people assume me to be White and I have registered a raised eyebrow or two when I walk in the room. It’s odd that the standard is White and anything else is ‘other’ because being mixed-race means I never assume anything about anyone really. I live in South London where there is a big South American community. At least every other month, a woman will come up to me and launch into full on Portuguese thinking I am Brazilian.
My husband is White, and both of my children appear White. That can be a challenge when we are out and about as people ask me if they are mine all the time. I really don’t think it is anyone’s business but I was raised by a Jamaican Mother so you're polite no matter the foolishness coming out of someone’s mouth. At the moment my daughter, who is 4, says she is White ‘like Daddy’. I am hoping as she grows she learns more about the nuance of identity and comes to recognise herself as mixed-race, but I won’t force it on her. I am as British as can be and so is her Dad, labels aren’t really that important. However, wherever I can soak up the Jamaican influences, you’ll find us there.
Going abroad is always interesting. I have experienced a lot of staring in other countries. We went to Albania a few years ago and the staring was so intense and quite threatening. I know it’s because I am different to what they are used to, but it felt very intrusive on what was supposed to be a relaxing time. I have been told I look like I am from everywhere. When we went to Tanzania for our honeymoon, I was told I looked Tanzanian, people from the Seychelles said I could be their sister/cousin etc. We visited Morocco when we were young and were advised to wear wedding rings because otherwise people would assume I was a Moroccan sex worker. That wouldn’t bother me now, but it made me feel a little unsafe at 25. Choosing where to go on holiday can be a challenge and I do have to consider if assumptions will be made about me based on my appearance. We visited France once and requested a double room online which was confirmed. The room we were actually given was a twin room with two singles. The beds could have been zipped together so I took that as a definite message. It was a horrible hotel as well – it’s always a bit more insulting when horrible places assume they are better than you!
Representation is a huge challenge in terms of being non-White. I don’t think anyone would ever describe me as White, but they would describe me as Black even though I am just as much a mixture of both. The world is dominated by positive representations of White people; they matter, they belong, their thoughts, families and ideas are important. Non-White people are struggling to be represented in any way other than criminals and time wasters. When a Black person ‘makes it’ in terms of their career, family etc.. it’s celebrated (by most) because it’s so hard and so rare. We need to redress the balance here. ‘Light skin’ is apparently the ideal and you only have to look at popular culture to see that’s the truth. Would Beyoncé and Rihanna be as popular if they were darker? Probably not. I think in this way, the tone of my skin has helped me; I am less threatening than if I had been darker, which is a terrifying prospect. It’s important to be aware of your privilege so you don’t fall into the same rhetoric others do.
Much to my shame I have never been to Jamaica. I have always wanted to go but visiting family can be dangerous and you need escorts to take you from here to there. Perhaps when my children are older, I will go with my Mum, just the two of us.
My outlook has definitely changed growing up. I didn’t even know being ‘mixed-race’ was a thing when I was a kid. It wasn’t until I moved to London and met all the different people I now know that I understood better about identity. As I carry on throughout my life, I think my identity will continue to develop, especially with my two White appearing children! I am going to have to work harder to make sure they know where they come from. It’s not until having my children that I fully understand you will do anything to make sure they have the best life. I believe that’s what my grandparents did. I don’t even want to move to a different city, never mind a totally different country.
I am a teacher, so we come from all walks of life. However, I believe there aren’t enough people of colour in senior positions in education and that needs to change. In order to support the progress of all children, you have to have diversity leading the vision and progress of our education system.
If I had the opportunity to be reborn I would return as myself. I wouldn’t have said that 20 years ago because it would have been easier to be born White. But I have a good life, a wonderful family, brilliant friends and a good career that I have worked hard for. Being from two different places means that you might have a bit of a harder job working out who you are, but when you get there, it’s pretty awesome.