Indian | French
From a biological perspective, I am mixed-race: half Indian and half French. But culturally I see myself more as Indian. My Mum is Indian (Gujarati) and was born in Tanzania, East Africa where she spent the first six years of her life. She then moved to India to live with her Grandparents and attended a convent school in Gujarat, in the North-West of India. My Dad’s family has a French background originally, but he was born in the Wirral (near Liverpool), where he met my Mum at work.
My Mum has always retained a strong passion for her religion (Hinduism) and Indian culture. My Dad was not a devout Christian but nonetheless insisted that I was baptised, which my Mum agreed to. Because my Mum attended a convent in India, she did not feel this was going against any of her religious or cultural values and kept to the promise she made to the church to take me there every Sunday after I was baptised. This promise continued for many years, even surpassing my Mum and Dad’s divorce when I was 18 months old.
I also attended a convent, primary school. At home, the environment was very Indian and my Mum, as a devout Hindu, taught me a lot about Hindu faith and rituals. I did not see anything strange or wrong with this-being influenced by Christian values at school and then worshipping in a Hindu environment at home. Even now, I attribute my interest and regard for different religions and worldviews and cultures to my early upbringing.
Growing up with my Mum’s strong Indian identity meant that I very quickly developed an affinity for my Indian heritage too. Since my parents divorced early on in my childhood, I personally did not experience the discussions and decisions couples make when they are from different races and ethnicities. My Mum was keen to teach me Gujarati and I started learning and performing Indian dance styles at the age of five. Growing up in the Wirral in the 1980’s meant that finding other Indians and community functions was hard but ironically, I had more meaningful involvement with the Indian community in Liverpool than I do now in London.
For people in my Grandparent’s generation that were just settling in a new country, working hard and trying to retain certain traditions, it must have been difficult to deal with the fact that your child may marry someone of a different race and religion. Mixing with people from a different background would not have been the norm in the villages and places that they came from. I think integrating was hard but they did it well to a certain point. But marrying someone of a difference race or ethnicity would not have been something they even considered as in the villages they came from. You did not have much interaction to people from a different race or ethnic background.
But sometimes keeping up traditions has been used as an excuse to beat others with a stick for electing a different path. Those who condone this feel that they are superior and defend their actions in the name of ‘retaining culture and values’ and therefore feel justified to treat others like ‘traitors’ and second-class citizens. To me, if ‘marrying out’ means an exit to your cultural identity then it is unlikely to have been that strong in the first place. I don’t see a contradiction between having a mixed-race relationship AND being proud of your roots and culture. It can be easier to cast someone out as a rebel who does not know their roots, but that is not the case for most people who have had mixed marriages, and certainly was not for my Mum. However, it is a popular narrative to perpetuate and an easy way to scaremonger people.
Interracial relationships can come with some particular challenges, but they are not insurmountable if you are with the right person. There is a massive misconception in some quarters that marrying someone ‘of your own’ will be easier and better for you and everyone around you because your kids won’t be conflicted or somehow troubled! But all relationships, mixed-race or not, come with challenges and there are no guarantees. I heard a lot about the ‘fact’ that arranged marriages were less likely to divorce and that was because couples were from a similar background. However, this was also attributable to divorce being a taboo and wanting to ‘save face’ in the community so there were more people staying in unhappy and incompatible marriages.
The issue of retaining culture and tradition is a valid concern but I feel it is massively misdirected when blamed on mixed-race relationships and mixed-race kids. Traditions and cultures often change any way and ironically they have to adapt in order to stay relevant, because otherwise they become obsolete. My identity is a strong one-it is not a dilution. If anything, I am carrying on many traditions and cultural knowledge and I don’t have to be mono-racial to do that. I know many children whose parents are of the same background but they have not chosen to get involved in their parents’ culture or religion. It is a choice we all have and make, irrespective of whether we are mixed or not.
Nowadays finding the right person is hard enough without having to add in skin colour and family background. I can understand that parents have a certain idea of what type of person would be good for their child and often that will be someone of the same race and ethnicity as they are. To some extent it is natural to think like this. I don’t see anything wrong with that or for people who want to be with someone who shares the same background. But, I think nowadays it is hard enough to find the right person without adding labels such as race and caste into the mix. Mixed-race relationships are often singled out as not being successful because they are seen as having too many obstacles to overcome. But any relationship, mixed or not, will have challenges. If you have the right partner, challenges are not insurmountable and can make you stronger. My parents did not split up because the relationship was mixed but for a different reason.
Ambiguity in my appearance has often been very advantageous that people think I am from lots of different countries. People are convinced I am Spanish, Turkish, Iranian, Greek, South American, some have guessed my Indian background too. I have found it easy to establish rapport with people who will often strike conversations with me based on the ‘where are you from’ conversations. I know it can be irritating and sometimes offensive to be asked where you are from but in the right context and said without ill intent, I have genuinely found it to be positive. As I am interested in different cultures and experiences to my own, I find it allows me to learn about others too.
I think being mixed has made me more empathetic to the ‘outsider’ and those who don’t always follow the established routes or paths. I think it takes confidence and strength to be your own person and stand proud in your identity, even if that makes you different to the majority of people that are around you.
I was very aware that my background was a bit of a taboo in some quarters. It meant that my parents had crossed boundaries and certain expectations and I was the living, walking proof. That can affect your sense of self and did when I was a teenager. One experience that comes to mind was when I attended a function and heard people speaking in Gujarati and laughing about the fact that someone had married a ‘gora’ (White person). What they did not know is that I understood every single word. I was minded to respond in Gujarati but chose not to as I was considerably younger than they were. But other times I have chosen to reply back, and I have had a lot of surprised looks.
Since I have such an affinity with my Indian side, I have had people accuse me of ‘trying too hard’ (to be Indian). I have a French surname but I don’t speak much French. But if I can speak Gujarati or Hindi then there is an incorrect assumption that I must be ashamed of my European heritage. I like learning languages including European languages, so that is just nonsense. But there seems to be a theory that being mixed means a 50/50 split down the middle and that you must reflect that split in your heritage in the proportions that make others feel comfortable. I have every right to decide how and to what extent I partake in my particular background and that is a personal decision.
I can pick up micro-aggressions and disapproval of my background quickly and can suss it out no matter how subtle people they think they are. It has been a challenge at times but I would not change my background for the world and certainly not for the approval of a few small-minded people.
I was performing Indian dance styles like Bhangra and folk dances such as Garba and Raas from the age of five and would also sing Bhajans (Indian religious songs). I loved dancing especially Indian dance and music again heavily influenced by Mum. Traditional Gujarati food I eat lots of at home and make as well. I love wearing Indian clothes and East-West inspired designs. I am always more excited about buying and wearing Indian fashion.
I visited India many times. I enjoy going with my Mum who has so many memories as she lived there and spent her formative years there. I consider it my second home and try to go every other year. There is so much to see and it helped me connect even more to my heritage and culture.
As a child I was very resilient and confident in my skin. I was aware that I was different as there were not many people from an ethnic minority and hardly anyone who was half Indian like me. I would not see anything strange about the fact that I was at a very Catholic school, with a European name and a ‘Brown Mum’ as some of my school friends would say. People were generally not malicious towards me and I was asked a lot at school to come in Indian clothes and introduce people to Indian culture by my Primary School teacher which I was always very happy to do. For me, there was nothing strange about this. I can count a handful of times where I was with my Mum and people shouted the racial slurs at us. I thought the people saying these things were stupid anyway, so I did not pay as much attention.
But as a teenager some forms of prejudice became harder for me to ignore. When I was 13 I moved to London where I went to a big multicultural and even bigger Indian community. But here I also began to face a different kind of prejudice. This was subtler than people shouting names at me, but nonetheless I picked it up. As I continued to partake in Indian cultural events as I had done in Liverpool, some in the Indian community were questioning my right to partake in certain cultural events, as if I had broken into an exclusive club. A student at the Bollywood dance Class I attended asked me if my Dad was White, with a sniggering tone. When I answered ‘yes’ she ran away laughing. It was not something I encountered a lot but you sometimes seem to remember negative experiences more than the positive ones. It hurt but as I have got older I have understood that it is fear and just downright ignorance. I think one of the hardest things about being mixed-race can be suffering prejudice from a community whose culture you share and that you also hail from.
When you are younger you don’t tend to speak up as much, especially to elders and I was taught to give the utmost respect to elders. But the downside to that meant that I internalised a lot of shame that others had try to invoke in me. Now I have more confidence and I do speak up and challenge views which are discriminatory towards my background. People won’t learn how to treat you unless you set out your boundaries. Those that genuinely care about you or care about how they treat others will not take offence if done in the right way. Those that don’t are not worth any more of your time!
I work as a media lawyer; both of these sectors are not the most diverse! But in all workplaces that I have been in, they have recognised this and are trying wholeheartedly to do something. As someone from a mixed-race background I feel there is a lot more ignorance about the mixed experience. This is especially true where your appearance is more racially ambiguous like mine. The downside to some of the diversity initiatives is that they want to put people back in boxes again and homogenise race, ethnicity, people and, as a consequence, their experience which is not possible nor desirable. The amount of times I have had to explain my identity as a basis for why I knew something or why my view on something cultural should be trusted-can be frustrating so the education continues!
If I had the opportunity to be reborn I would return as me, but with even more faith and respect for my own background, and a desire to contribute and enhance that in others. I wish I had more confidence in my teens to realise there was nothing wrong with my background and more quickly realise the advantages. But that is part of the process of growing up. Being mixed-race is not the answer to world peace but I do believe it can play an important part in combatting stereotypes, breaking down barriers between races, cultures and most importantly between people.