Creole/Chinese/Dutch | Indian
I am Creole/Indian with Chinese and Dutch blood and I'm bisexual. My Mother’s side is Creole/Chinese/Dutch, my Father’s side is Indian. They were both born in Surinam in South America and met in high school.
My Dad's family belongs to India's highest caste; the Brahmins. The Brahmins are the caste from which Hindu priests are drawn, who are responsible for teaching and maintaining sacred knowledge. The Brahmins are also the ones with the so-called fairest skin colour. The skin of the lowest castes is dark. Colour prejudice against people with dark skin is common within the caste system. My Mom, being Creole, of African descent, was rejected by my Dad's family for her dark skin. And so was I. Thus, my Dad fled his family house to be with my Mom but as family loyalty is a deeply held ideal within Indian families, it was one of the reasons they ended their relationship. A modern ending to a Romeo and Juliet-story, I guess.
There's even a special name they call you in Surinam when you're a mix of Indian and Creole because it was uncommon and frowned upon back then; ‘dogla’. The term is used to indicate that someone is a mix, but the connotations of the word lead back to North India where it originated, meaning 'bastard' or 'illegitimate'.
My Grandparents had an arranged marriage. So I'm the first generation from my Dad's side of the family to break free from the uncompromising dogmas, ancient value systems, ingrained attitudes, set up by those before me. I can't imagine not being able to choose my own partner, being restricted in who I love. I feel fortunate to be able to experience the freedom to be with a man, a woman, White, Black, or Brown. And I appreciate it even more because I know what my parents went through. In Surinam, the suicide rate of closeted LGBTs amongst Indian people is very high. The hidden struggles and family pressure to marry lead them to jump off the 'Suriname bridge' or hang themselves. They'd rather die than live a lie.
I love how my appearance represents multiple cultures. Besides the Creole and Indian cultures, people easily think I'm Colombian, Brazilian or even Ethiopian. During my travels in various countries, I've experienced that people from different cultures identify with me because I don't have just one look which results in quick connections with men, women, children. Also, it makes it safe for me to travel to those countries because I don't look like a lost tourist!
Fortunately, my mixed identity has never stopped me to do anything in life. If anything, it makes me work harder to own my place in this world. In the corporate world, where I often notice that I'm one of the few with a different ethnicity. In the acting world, where my looks are rare. Yes, we need role models to inspire and motivate us, to look up to, to see that the things we dream of aren't fantasy but can actually happen in life, but we can't forget that we, also, are role models ourselves. So, an occasional racist remark that gets thrown my way, or a comment on social media about my skin colour, doesn't challenge me. Or well, maybe it does. It challenges me to be more ambitious than ever.
In Surinam, the formal language is Dutch which is my mother tongue. However, Sranan Tongo, an English-based creole language and the lingua franca of Surinam, is mostly spoken. I can understand some words and sentences, but unfortunately it ends there. I wish my Mom had taught me when I was young! I didn't grow up with my Dad or the Indian culture. He lives in Surinam and I do go back to visit him now and then. He's taken me to Indian weddings and birthday parties, cooks delicious Indian meals and tells me about rituals. I find it all amazingly interesting and I'm always eager to learn more. However, I could not live in an environment with such strict rules and etiquettes. My curiosity reflects too much of my rebellious nature to adhere to a certain code of conduct.
I love it when my family comes together. Their energy and stories remind me of how strong, lively and colourful the Creole culture is. Every year on 1 July, we celebrate the abolishment of slavery in 1863. Everybody dances in the streets and girls and women are dressed in Kotomisis, traditional Surinamese dresses. Our colourful national flags are waved in the air while parading and brass bands are walking through the crowd while playing Caribbean tunes. This always makes me proud of this culture that has been through so much - slavery, a corrupt military regime, murder - yet we're still singing songs.
I have visited Surinam multiple times to dive into my roots and family history. There are over 9 different ethnicities of which the Indian population is the biggest one. I've visited traditional Indian weddings and have gained too much weight eating amazing Creole dishes, but my favourite activity is going into the jungle of Surinam. The environment is also part of a culture, and for me, the simplicity of going back to basics ignites my appreciation for my roots. They are right there, unpolished and pure. While waking up next to the river in a hammock, feeding the monkeys, listening to the birds, and learning from the indigenous tribes about the various trees and plants and their medicinal uses. Then, I feel right at home. One day, I'll visit India as well.
When I was three, my Mom, my sister, and I emigrated to The Netherlands. There, I grew up in the town Leiderdorp in which we were the only family with a different ethnicity, and I was the odd one out in class. Multiple neighbours would throw racist remarks our way, such as 'Black pete'. I even remember one neighbour dragging my sister down the street by her hair. I felt like an outcast, and started disliking the Brown colour of my skin, my Black curls, my big lips. I didn't even want to stay in the sun for more than a couple of minutes because I was scared that my skin would get darker, thus I would get uglier. Meanwhile, I dreamed about being White, having blue eyes, and blond hair. It formed my ideal of beauty for such a long time, in both my childhood and my adult life, until I started noticing more Black and mixed-race women in the media, on tv, on social media. Women who celebrated their curls, skin colour, curves. The first mixed-race woman I fell in love with was definitely Halle Berry. I was amazed by how talented, intelligent and beautiful she is. That's why I think it's important to have role models: they remind you of what is possible.
I'm an actor. I do think that artists are the ones who definitely understand the feeling of not fitting in and the journey that comes with that, allowing them to be more accepting towards people of different cultures, gender and sexuality. But when it comes down to the business side versus the artistic one, those factors can play a big part in the selection process of an actor for a role. I don't tick any of the 'ethnic' boxes on application forms. The 'other'? That's me. When I see a casting call that requires a role as a sister, Mother, or daughter, I know my chances are slim. Where are they gonna find another actor who looks like me? I am so grateful to have had the opportunities to play roles where the character wasn’t race specific. And when it is, I applaud that too, but it has only been since my arrival in London that I've realised that there is no box for me to tick. I have the lived experience for the roles I am pursuing, but this suddenly becomes irrelevant if I don’t represent the ethnicity being called for. My talent and commitment cannot be defined by whether or not I look the part rather than my ability to play the part.
If I were to be born again, I'd want to return with this skin colour, these curls, the port-wine stain on my jaw, these almond shaped eyes, my big feet, and my endless curiosity that brings me a deep love for every form of life. Yeah, I'd come back as me.