British | Chinese Malaysian
I grew up with my Mum who lives in Malaysia but has Chinese ancestors from Fujian. As a mixed-race kid, I had to give up my Malaysian passport in order to have a British one, a choice Mum made for me so I could study here with local fees. Since the pandemic started, Malaysia has closed its borders to British nationals. I haven’t been able to see her in person. 2020 was the year I was meant to visit, it got cancelled, I haven’t been home now in 6 years.
My parents met at Thames Polytechnic, now called Greenwich University. I believe my Mum had photos of Malaysia with her and one of the first things she did was show them to my Dad. I don’t know much else, they divorced soon after I was born. Growing up with my working single Mum, we would travel wherever her job would take her. I’ve lived in Malaysia, China, UK, USA, Bahrain, Qatar and the UAE. I’ve also travelled to a total of 45 counties.
I identify both as mixed-race and as a Third Culture Kid (TCK); those who are raised in a culture other than their parents. A lot of TCKs are mixed-race, and it feels really hard when it comes to figuring out your identity and sense of belonging. In Malaysia, it was uncomfortable for me to draw attention and get different treatment for being ‘White’. Equally when I arrived in the UK, kids in school would make jokes at me for my features. These instances in what should be my home countries made me feel more other-ed than arriving in any new country as a foreigner. What hurt the most was that no matter where I was in the world, no one ever believed my Mum and I were related. They would always ask, then say we look too different. That used to make me really sad, and Mum too, even if she’d pretend to be amused.
It’s taken a lot of soul searching, self-care and awareness, to understand that a sense of belonging is in relationships rather than places. It’s found within yourself, you choose the people who matter most, no matter the distance, then home becomes a place you can carry in your heart wherever you go. I’ve not hidden my identity, however, there’s been times with certain groups of people or bullies that I’d avoid talking about it for safety and to avoid conflict.
My role models are my Mum and her best friend. My Mum is tough, she ran away from her village, where they didn’t believe in financing females to study. She created a life for herself, and me, that I wouldn’t change for the world. Her best friend helped to look after me during some periods of life when Mum had to go away for work. I can’t believe the amount of time and effort she sacrificed to raise a child that wasn’t hers. I learnt a lot of compassion from her.
A positive is being able to feel connected to so many people and cultures! I once visited our ancestor’s village in rural Fujian. It’s a village where each house has one lightbulb, and the toilets are dug holes in the ground. I can’t describe the sensation of connecting with our long-lost relatives and learning about the way of life there. We learnt that a few temples were named after our family name which was surprising. I just wished my Chinese was more fluent to get to know them better and express myself fully with them.
I also grew up thinking I was part Brazilian from my Dad’s side. It was only this year as I’ve been getting to know that side of the family that I found out I’m not! My Grandparents lived in Brazil for a long while but they were English. I’ve always had an affinity for Latin America, which I thought was due to my race, but I guess not! Still planning to visit though.
I think I’ve grown to appreciate the insight and power to connect with others being mixed-race. I’m sure my understanding of what it means will keep evolving, especially as the world around us becomes more mixed-race. I believe worldwide education needs to be clearer about the truth of our history. It needs to decolonize the deeply rooted ‘White mentality’ in large areas of the globe. I do not feel that mixed-race backgrounds are represented enough in the media. I feel the film/tv industry in the UK is starting to make wonderful changes in terms of diversity, however, diversity needs to include those who are mixed as well. I’ve recently written and directed my first short film, ‘Dress Up’. It’s about a mixed-race woman who applies for a job as a costume wearer, only to find nothing fits. I act in it across from Tim Downie (Paddington, The King’s Speech) and you can keep an eye for screenings on our Instagram @dressup_film.
I’m very close to my Chinese Malaysian traditions, such as eating Tang Yuan (sweet dumplings) during the Winter Solstice, celebrating the Lunar New Year with Yee Sang (a salmon salad we toss in the air with chopsticks as a group), and going out with lanterns for the Mid-Autumn festival.
The last time I cried was today watching ‘See’ with Jason Momoa, in Season 2 where he says goodbye to his son. I think I cry at almost every film/tv show where a family gets separated.