Russian/Romanian | Sub-Saharan African

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My Dad is Sub-Saharan African (Specific Region Unknown) and my Mom is Russian & Romanian. They met at a New York City jazz club when she was 20, and immediately thought to herself, ‘this is the person I"m going to have a baby with’. I barely know my Father's side of the family, but my Mother's side was always incredibly open and accepting. My Grandfather was very active in the civil rights movement in the 1960s in the US.

My Middle Eastern name often confuses people, so I'm constantly confronted with the very common question, ‘Where are you from?’. I always answer, ‘New York’, because that's where I was born, it's where I'm from. People usually say, ‘No, I mean where are your parents from?’ as if I somehow misunderstood their question. I say ‘New York and Los Angeles’. Then I can really start to feel their frustration with the fact that I've answered exactly what they've asked of me, but they were afraid to ask what they really want to know; my race. At that point I usually say, ‘my Father is Black and my Mother is White, is that what you wanted to ask?’. I'm always a bit upset with myself for playing a game, when I know what they really want to know. But I also think it's important for people to give more consideration to what they're asking, and why they're asking.

I rarely cry, but I became quite choked up while writing some sections of my memoir. When my aunt, who I only met recently, took me to the cemetery to visit my Grandparents' grave. The way she introduced me to them felt really uplifting and powerful at the time, but when I wrote about it, it was much more emotional to relive the experience, and I became pretty choked up during that process.

When I was around 12 years old, I had my afro shaved down to a buzz, which meant it was more difficult to tell what race I was. I don't think I did it for that reason, but I do think I realized after the fact that it made a difference. With the afro, more people saw me as Black. Without it, more people asked questions about my race. As a kid I was given the nickname Fuzzy. I always hated it, because I knew it referred to my afro, which very few kids had in Salt Lake City, UT, where I lived at the time. It never felt negative, but it always made me feel unique in a bad way, kids love to point out anything that's different about other kids. But I never had the courage to tell people to stop.

My role model is my uncle Alan, because he was my Father figure when I was growing up. He's an expert in calm, spiritual communication. He's a black belt in Aikido who could win any fight, but I've never once seen him use those skills. Only the skills of talking to people calmly, and decreasing the intensity of any situation.

I was lucky to live in very diverse and mixed communities in New York City and Amherst, Massachusetts when I was a kid. In those places, I didn't stand out, and learned to be confident in who I was, and accepting of others. I'll never live anyplace as perfect as Amherst in the 1970s again, so I'll never feel as safe or accepted. But I remember those years well, and try to use them positively in the ways I present myself, and how I perceive others.

I interned for a wonderful woman in college who taught me to be more forceful with my name. I used to introduce myself quietly, and I knew that my name was difficult to understand. She told me to always say it loudly, multiple times, until people were able to say it back to me correctly. That was a huge moment, and I'll always be thankful for that.

I feel like we're underrepresented in every organization I've ever been a part of, but that's changing as the world becomes more mixed. My colleagues do recognize my mixed heritage, because it's always how I identify myself. I'm also lucky to live in New York City, where it doesn't feel especially abnormal these days. That's one interesting thing about my mixed-race experience, I didn't grow up with many cultures in the first place. I grew up surrounded with multiple cultures, and tried to enjoy all of them. But none feel like my own.

I’ve written a book about navigating the world being biracial and finding the missing puzzle pieces of his family and roots, all told through the landscape of music influences. You can find out more via my website: www.nabilayers.com and is available via https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/651853/my-life-in-the-sunshine-by-nabil-ayers/