English | Punjabi Indian

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My Mum originates from the Punjab in India although she was born in England. My Dad originates from England. They met whilst my Mum was advertising for a flatmate in shared housing in Cambridge. Supposedly she interviewed my Dad for the room and fancied him. The rest is history!

In my experience I have grown up very British if that makes sense. Both my parents grew up in England, so that is the culture I have been brought up on, as well as going to school in England and having lots of friends here. Growing up though and visiting my Grandparents I always felt Indian, my family even called the area where they lived 'Little India' because there is such a density of Indian families and shops around there. I think I really thought it was actually India growing up. I felt close to this side of me there as well as going to lots of weddings and parties and putting on my sari and trouser suits. Since coming to university I have tried to learn how to make Punjabi foods to feel closer to home and learn more about my heritage, as well as to feel closer to my Grandma who passed away recently.

Weirdly enough I have never felt particularly English, but I do feel British. I think it's because it's quite hard to even differentiate between what is Englishness versus what is Britishness. I think now though, I seem to have negative connotations of Englishness as it feels tied up with the far right, as well as the UK flag having these racist connotations for me. In that sense, my Dad never really had to introduce me to English culture as such because I just have lived in England so I have experienced that societally.

I think it is important to me that my partner knows I am interested in my identity. I don't really see how I could ever not be, seeing as strangers ask me all the time 'who are you' and 'where are you from?'. I would be offended if my partner didn't care, but I don't think I am after a particular 'type' if that makes sense, unlike love island where supposedly people are into 'mixed-race' looking people. What does that even mean?

I appreciate that today is it widely more acceptable to form a interracial relationship as opposed to my Grandparents generation. I think even for my parents growing up it was a bit of a taboo, my Mum only told me recently she was questioned at the airport once. She was asked whether my younger sister, a baby at the time, was really her child. My Mum doesn't share my surname and I guess my sister has fairer skin, but this feels really unfair and unjust to me, so I don't think I could argue that the taboo of interracial relationships no longer exists.

I have never tried to hide my identity, but I have often felt misrecognised which is quite hurtful to be honest. I would never want to identify as either/or, as in I am only 'White' or 'Asian', because that just wouldn't be me. I think this obsession with 'race' and 'monoraciality' is odd and I encourage people to think less ignorantly, especially when really the majority of us are mixed if you go back far enough.

I am really happy with my heritage, because I love my parents and I want to represent both of them fully. I am learning to take control of my self-identification and I am exploring more into my Indian heritage especially as I feel little less connected to this than my English side, considering I grew up in the UK. However, this self exploration isn't at all easy when faced with everyone else's opinion. I have often found it difficult to find 'my people', not just 'English' or just 'Punjabi' so it's kind of difficult to separate myself like this in order to fit in. One of my friends took me to a Hindu society outing once and although I loved meeting her Indian friends and the outing itself, I was made to feel like I wasn't truly Indian. One person even asked me if I'd ever eaten curry before, which almost made me want to cry because I couldn't believe that externally I seemed so '`White', and I felt ashamed I thought I would be able to automatically fit in with 'fully Indian' people, just because I am half Indian. It was a bit of a jarring experience to say the least.

Another challenge I face generally is ever feeling the need to justify my identity in the winter time. Everyone's natural tan gained in summer fades by the Winter, and I find myself looking fairly pale and more 'White'. I know it's weird and I don't even think it's right politically, but I find myself looking forward to summer so I can tan, and perhaps look more authentically Indian? It feels like I've internalised this idea that strangers keep telling me, that 'I don't look Indian, and I'm trying to prove that I am somehow. It is also really triggering that 'White' girls can acceptably fake tan their skin so that they're even darker than me, but I doubt they get questions around their identity. It feels unfair.

I visited India a few years ago with my family and I loved it. We did some touristy bits but I was grateful that we also visited the village where my Grandparents live for half of the year and I could see their life there. This area of the Punjab was near where my Grandparents grew up and my Auntie was born and I found it really interesting to see where my family came from and what their life could've been like had they stayed in India rather than move to the UK. I want to go back to India again and feel connected like I did before.

I've always been really proud I was mixed but I think it felt less relevant as a child. I tanned more back then, so somehow this made me look more 'authentically Indian' I guess, as well as just not remembering everything people say to me. As an adult I seem to have gained the ability to care what other people think (I don't recommend it) and I can't seem to let go of the countless comments strangers as well as friends feel the audacity to give me when I haven't asked. I don't think I will ever feel comfortable with the 'what are you' question, it's really othering and immediately makes me feel out of place. I do think, however, that I am learning to become more loud about my identity, in a way that makes me feel proud and comfortable, so I am looking forward to feeling more confident in myself and letting go of others' opinions about me.

There probably is no simple way to tackle racial inequality, but I would argue from a mixed-race perspective I would really appreciate it if people could be more open-minded as to the existence and possibility of multiracial identities as well as considering reframing the 'what are you' question. I have often felt like I was being gazed upon like an animal at the zoo, rather than actually a person.

I feel my ethnic background is represented partially. I see some Asian women onscreen but I am aware that even the few times they do appear they have fairer skin and the colourism this projects is harmful so I know there is still work to be done. In terms of being mixed-race though I am aware there are representations out there but they feel really fake. For instance, it feels like the only representations of mixed-race women are of a sexualised, exotified figure, or they are exceptional in some way. This is a lot of pressure for me to look up to in terms of self-identification, especially in terms of my value resting heavily in my physical attractiveness, which is enough of a burden already in identifying as a woman.

To be honest the pandemic has been really difficult. It sounds cliché but Summer and the sun is really helping. I currently have a lot of university deadlines but the bunnies and ducklings on campus as well as the blossom trees are my calming things to explore whilst on a study break. I normally run quite a bit as well to take my mind off of everything too.