Cameroonian | Filipino

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I'm a mixed Afro-Filipino Christian & a heterosexual male. My Mum is Cameroonian, and my biological Father is Filipino. The circumstances under which they met are still a mystery to me. Not even anyone else in the family knows how they met. My Mother at the time lived a carefree life, I'd like to say it was rather careless. Seeing as she already had two of my older sisters from two different men, and I was the third & last with a different Father as well. 

My Mother passed away when I was 7, at the time I wasn't wise enough to start asking questions. My Mother was the only parent I knew. I don't know where and why my father was not in my life, but she died and took these secrets along with her. Since I never got to know who my Father was, my Mother and her side of the family were all I knew. I never met my old man, neither did I get in touch with his side of the family and culture. I was brought up in a 100% Cameroonian society. I received no influence nor experience from another culture, other than the one I was acquainted with.

The determinant of choosing my partner does not originate from the influence of my parent's cultures (of which only one side was available to me). It takes a more personal ground. I have always felt separated and different where I grew up. And not in a good way. I tend to relate more with other mixed people like myself. I feel like they're the only ones who can understand me. In turn, my ideal partner is a mixed lady.

Growing up in Cameroon, we don't have many mixed people there. In fact they are a rarity. I was the only mixed person in my entire province growing up. I did not see another mixed person till I was in my teens. And that was in the capital city of Yaounde. Being mixed, you kind of always stand out. Anywhere and everywhere you go, you're recognizable and people know you.

People would always ask me; ‘where are you from?’, ‘who are your parents?’, ‘who among your parents is White?’, ‘why are you here, and not abroad where you belong?’. Questions like these are quite disturbing especially when the answer is too complicated, too detailed and too sad. I never responded to such questions. I mean, how could I? Being a child, and also being confused about what's real and about who I really am. How do you tell someone who you are when you actually don’t know yourself?

It's safer to avoid the question and ignore the person asking. But then you'd have to deal with judgment and spite, because not answering the question makes you come off as proud and disrespectful. When the reality is, you're actually quite uncertain and quite ignorant of who you are. 

Relationships are first and foremost about two people who love and cherish each other. I believe interracial relationships are special. Two cultures, two worlds meeting each other, merging and combining the various aspects of their identities and qualities to become one. It's beautiful. Children born of such relationships are the most fortunate. Culture is wealth, born into multiple cultures and backgrounds is equivalent to being born rich.

Where I come from, interracial relationships aren't a taboo, but they do attract a lot of judgment from the people. The older generation are not opposed to the current generation having partners of other races, but they would rather it be someone of their kin. 

Growing up, I got tired of having to deal with the curiosity of people about where I came from. I got tired of standing out, I wanted to be like everyone else. There are certain things that everyone else does that for some reason you're not allowed to do. People won't regard you as mixed, they'd just regard you as not Black at all, or White, or Chinese, or Asian, or whatever you looked like to them. It gave me a sense of not belonging. Not being in touch with my paternal side of the family, and growing up in Cameroon, life there was all I knew. So being told all the time that I came from somewhere else or the constant reminder of being different made me feel like I did not belong anywhere.

Being mixed does get people curious about you. People have certain stereotypes about mixed people that they always seek to confirm. Stereotypes such as, mixed people are smarter, or more talented, all of which are good attributes. 

I only got to visit the Philippines last summer. It was the most special experience of my life. It was a vacation trip organized by myself and a few friends. Never have I felt so belonging. The Filipinos who saw me clearly recognized me as one of them and there are a few who walked up to me and told me I'm one of them but I'm also from somewhere else. This was clearly due to my curly hair. 

Certain times at the beach, the local hawkers would occasionally speak to me in Tagalog not knowing I'm a visitor. It was a most exhilarating sensation. I finally understood the many oddities I had as a person, being extremely goofy, extremely friendly, extremely emotional and extremely music oriented stemmed from my Filipino roots as all the people I met reciprocated an identical energy. Never have I been so happy. 

As a child, I always wished I wasn't mixed. So I wouldn't have to deal with the judgment and the responsibility to satisfy the curiosity of others. It was a burden too heavy to bear, and of which I was undeserving. But growing up, I got to accept myself entirely and thrive in my identity as a mixed person. I believe there is a reason why I am the way I am. And it's all a journey, I can clearly see the progress and the evolution. I do believe there are still a lot of things that are still unfolding as I mature and grow older. The good thing about being mixed is, you are different. Both in a good way and a bad way. You feel both good and bad about yourself.

If you’re doing what you love, it won't count as a workplace anymore, it'd be more like a sanctuary where your passion is venerated. For example, I love music, I'd be glad to spend most of my time in the studio or with instrumentalists constantly making music. It's my passion and there's never enough of it.

But on the other hand, working just for the sake of making ends meet is a sad and cruel existence. Although it's widely encouraged in my culture because it's safe and the income is guaranteed, I personally sympathize with such ideals. 

If I were reborn, I would most definitely want to be mixed again. But this time, with both of my parents by my side to guide me and not having to learn everything on my own. As I mentioned, culture is wealth and whatever existence I find myself in, I would always have the desire to be immersed into such a rich cultural background from birth. My mother died leaving me with her Uncle and Aunt at a young age. Her family is dysfunctional and has had to live with the prejudice of everyone. My Father for whatever reason was never in my life, I always prayed to God when I was a child, praying he left without knowing he had a son, may God let him find me. But growing up, I was more and more open to cruller truths, and I considered the fact that he was aware of my existence and he simply decided to abandon me. In which case I'd rather never see him, or I will hurt him. I did not deserve to be left alone; I did not deserve to be an orphan. All I ever wanted was a family I could be proud of.

I currently study in China. The university I study in currently has put us under a mandatory lock down since February, due to Covid-19. They sell food stuff and supplies on campus for our needs. I am judiciously spending the pocket money I'm given solely on food and well-being because that's all that matters. I am careful to spend as little as possible during these times.