South African (Mixed-Heritage)
My parents both grew up in South Africa during Apartheid. They were both classified as mixed/coloured so in that sense they both grew up in a similar culture and community (and area). They were actually at school together. Culturally I am just mixed. My parents are both of mixed ancestry but both were classified as 'coloured' under Apartheid. My Father is also Muslim and my Mother was Catholic, before converting to Islam when they married.
I also think it important to note that the racial term 'Coloured' in South Africa is SPECIFIC to our country. It can't be compared to the US or other countries. Each country has its own cultural context, meaning and feeling associated with these monikers.
I was born and raised in Johannesburg and when I was 8, I moved from a fairly racially mixed residential area and school to a more White residential area. The remnants of the Group Areas Act under Apartheid meant that certain areas still had a larger concentration of certain races still residing within them, which I note here for context.
My primary school and high school consisted of mainly White students, with a growing minority of Black-African, Coloured and Indian students. Although I had many different friends during my years, my core friend groups were often a mix of Black- African, Coloured and Indian/Muslim girls. I had a really rich schooling experience and whilst I don't recall feeling separate racially, as a child you can't help but want to look the same as the girls around me and do the same things as them. Sleeping over at someone's house is not something my Brown parents were used to at all so I remember a few fights to be able to spend the night with the latest best friend I had made.
The places we're exposed to influence us and so I was this mixed kid, growing up in a White school and social environment. In a way I feel like I was a third culture kid; my parents were culturally mixed and my Dad was religiously Islamic yet I was growing up in a White schooling/social environment and in a community that they both had not fully experienced.
My parents are one of five and seven siblings respectively, so my extended family is large; one side Muslim and the other side Christian/Catholic. South Africa, the Rainbow Nation, is also very religiously diverse so growing up in different religions in the same community, as my parents' had, wasn't unusual. Yet, when I went to visit my cousins, Aunts and Uncles, most of whom had remained in or nearby the areas where the families grew up, I didn't have the same accent they did and I didn't resonate with the Coloured culture that they were growing up in. It's not something I was predominantly exposed to. Whilst my parents easily fit back in during visits to their siblings, I sometimes felt different around my extended family. Despite them visibly looking like me, I didn't feel like I ‘fit’.
I don't think I had one exact culture within me to get closer to. My mix isn't direct Black and White and my family's origins are hazy as it is, which I've often found frustrating. My Dad will tell me his origins are from India, Africa and France. My Mother will say her side is from St Helena, which is not helpful at all given this was a very mixed island used by the British, so I've since deduced that that line must be European, Indonesian and British, based on the looks and surnames from her side of the family alone.
I guess I seek balance by trying to acknowledge all the parts that make me up but realising that attaching to any of them too tightly doesn't feel authentic to me. It's probably why I've always been quite open to differences and ‘other’.
When I was younger although I wasn't very conscious of it, I inherently felt and looked different. I was aware of not being exactly what anyone thought I was when they looked at me, and I was slightly confused about that too, but I didn't focus much on it. Nowadays (and for the past few years), I am happy that no one can really ‘put me in a box’ and classify me.
I'm generally really curious (and confused) about my origins and am conscious that for me it's not only about the ancestral mix (Indian, European, British, Indonesian, African), but also the religious mix (from having a Muslim and a Christian side of the family) and the cultural mix (from growing up in a culture that was not only the same as my parents ). Most of the time I am happy and comfortable although there are times I wish my belonging was more clear, palpable and undeniable. That part I'm still figuring out.
These days I'm still figuring out my feelings to people asking ‘what are you?’. On the one hand I understand, because whenever I see a mixed person I too am interested in their background! I come from a place of genuine curiosity and joy when cultures and races mix. But it can be frustrating to always feel othered and seen on the basis of what is mixed within me.
I find people, and men in particular, simply want to be able to figure me out on the basis of where they think I'm from. ‘What are you!?’, ‘Where are you from because I can't place you!’. It's like it reduces all of my personality and humanness down to this one aspect of who I am, my aesthetics, which are arguably the least interesting thing about me.
Once a few years ago, a good friend had, in the beginning of my career, laughingly said to me that I listen to White people music because I was into indie/rock/alternative (and generally still am a big indie fan). I felt so confused by that because I thought 'What does that mean?!’, ‘What even is White music?’. That made me wonder a bit what I was 'supposed' to be listening to based on who I am but even that didn't have a clear answer. It made me feel bad; like I was somehow selling out my race or pretending to be something I wasn't by listening to music that was for a different racial and cultural group than the one I looked to be a part of. I didn't have anything that I actively solved in this instance but I think questioning a statement like that made me realise how quick people are to put things in boxes and also helped me to dismiss it and not take it to mean anything fundamental about me.
As someone with quite a mixed identity, I have an inherent interest in race and culture and how this shapes our world and people's experiences; a lot of these things are so intangible and personal and yet the world will try to tell you who you are based on your appearance.
In my first year of University in particular I remember having different friend groups and somehow feeling like I did fit but also did not. I had a group of White friends, a group of Coloured friends and also a group Black friends. I was also friendly with the Muslim group in my year as well all fasted together or were checking the days for the confirmation of Eid. It was never intentional, but part of being quite social and also having these different parts to my upbringing also meant that I naturally gravitated towards each group.
It was such a tangible experience of being ‘other’; I could flit between many mixed groups of friends, but I realised that I will never be enough of any group to truly belong. The feeling was very much that I'm not White enough for the White group, or Black enough for the Black group, or Indian enough for the Indian group, or Coloured enough for the Coloured group, or Muslim enough for the Muslim group... I'm always not only any of those things. I didn't look exactly like any of them, but also my cultural experience and exposure was not the same.
I felt like each group fit a part of me but never fully the whole. I guess in a way I didn't feel fully seen for all of the different parts of me. At the time it made me feel frustrated and like I was a fraud. Which race was I? Which culture did I belong to? I did seem to fit any of them as easily as other people and I had no idea which one to ‘pick’ or where I could belong best.
To anyone reading this, it's not to say that South Africa remains strictly racially segregated. Definitely not. Most of the groups I mentioned above were friends with one another too to some extent. But as per human nature, often people who look or have a similar cultural experience group together and I describe it like this as I reflect on the feelings of unbelonging.
I read a quote once that went something like: ‘People are fickle. They change their minds. So basing your self-worth on the way others see you is a shaky foundation’. That's probably grossly paraphrased, but I've always found it a strong quote to be able to remember that what's most important is how I feel about myself and the things that I do; it's not for anyone else.
I think that's also relevant to being mixed which is such a lovely thing to be but can also be really isolating and confusing as you wonder where you belong and who you get to identify as. It's much easier said than done, but at the end of the day no one else should get to determine who/what you are and get how you celebrate your culture.
I think the experience of being mixed is largely misunderstood and that most people are fairly ignorant or lack empathy when it comes to understanding your lived experience. I think speaking about this is an important part of changing that and exposing people to our experience/mix.
I recently watched a documentary on the plane about mixed kids growing up entitled: ‘1000% me’, I related so much to it. I thought it was healing and great to see these sorts of things being spoken about from the perspective of kids. Growing up and trying to understand the nuances of where I thought I best fit, probably meant that not every part of my identity was always on display to everyone (not that it needed to be). It wasn't conscious, but perhaps there's an element of hiding in that.
Lately, I feel more and more conscious of having a mixed identity. I've had people guess and the guesses are varied and range from guessing I'm from Peru, Brazil, Indonesia, that I'm Latina, that I'm Indian, that I am White with tanned skin.
I don't hide my identity, but I also don't often advertise it. I had a man say to me: ‘Where are you from?’, and when I asked why he was so curious to know (it was like the first message), he responded ‘...because I just can't place you’. To me, that gives me the feeling of being some sort of game to you; do you need to be able to place me? Is it important that your guess about my ethnicity is right or wrong or is it more important that there's more to me than just how I look? It sometimes feels like it reduces all of my personality and humanness down to my aesthetics.
I do sometimes struggle with truly letting myself be seen (despite it being of deep importance to me) and being who I am with all these different parts of me because I'm not sure everyone, and in particular romantic partners, will ‘get’ all these parts of me. So again, not consciously hiding but in retrospect there is probably an element of hiding or not fully revealing all of me out of fear. I guess because it feels complicated to explain identity if someone really wants to understand who I am.
Being in this project, MixedRaceFaces, is actually a way for me to actively not hide and push myself to be seen, which is something I think is important. But being seen comes with highs and lows and I'm also conscious that describing my lived experience might come with commentary and disagreement and it's scary to be seen and truly speak to this experience in a way.
What's sometimes cool about being an expat is that I'm a nationality first to anyone, before I'm a race. It's that I'm South African first, not that I'm mixed or whatever. At least, sometimes. I've definitely been called exotic or ambiguous in my life. I think that using language and terms like that is lazy and shows a lack of empathy. Being called exotic makes me feel like I'm some sort of thing out of the ordinary to be enjoyed. I'm not sure how to explain it but it doesn't give me the feeling of being a person that is seen and valued but instead makes me feel more like a tempting temporary commodity.
In my current job, I have a few colleagues with a mixed-race background too. I'm not sure if my colleagues and senior staff recognise it or if they really need to. When questions are asked I answer, but as I say I don't feel a need to actively advertise my mixedness since explaining it is complicated and also involves an understanding of the cultural context in which I've grown up.