Scottish | Pakistani
My Mum is from Scotland and Dad is from Pakistan. They met through family friends when my Mum moved down to the South of England where my Dad and his family had decided to move to from Pakistan.
Growing up in a predominantly White area, going to a predominantly White school, I’m not sure whether I felt proud to be mixed-race. I certainly felt special and interesting whenever I was given the chance to talk about a completely other culture that I got to be part of, unlike my peers. I remember bringing in my traditional Asian clothing for ‘show and tell’ during primary school and dragging my Aunties into school for a talk about our culture. On the most part I felt like I had something extra rather than being hindered by it. For example, getting to miss school because of Eid whilst also being able to celebrate Christmas made me feel ‘cool’, which could be translated to being proud?
The majority of my family live in the same country so traveling for that purpose has never really been prevalent. In fact, other than family holidays, the only travel we did growing up was moving due to our Dad’s work. We would regularly head up to the Scottish Highlands, back to where my Mum grew up and Grandparents lived, and in all the times I have been there I don’t think I have ever, to this day, seen a person of colour. It’s also one of the few places I have experienced any racism. It’s sad because Scotland is of course an important place to me, and to be honest I would never take these comments to heart as I know it’s sometimes about where and how some people are brought up. Despite all this, I don’t really feel at home in the UK. I love to travel and I think part of that enjoyment comes from meeting so many people with such diverse backgrounds.
I have always felt proud to be mixed-race and never necessarily hidden parts of my identity on purpose. However, I would say I’d never openly talk about my heritage and cultural background unless specifically asked. I feel as if the comment ‘not everything is about race’ has been circling more so I guess subconsciously unless necessary I would try to avoid it. I think growing up in a predominantly White area in a house with more White traditions than Asian contributes to why I am mostly seen as White person. Sometimes I feel the other part of me isn’t really considered.
Someone I have recently discovered and has really helped me is body hair activist, Queen Esie. The thing I have grown up being most self-conscious of is my body hair. To think about the amount I have spent on hair removal products and procedures pains me a little, but I could not face being seen without bleached arm hairs/ upper lip hair, and unwaxed eyebrows. I remember boys at school telling me I have a mustache or getting changed for PE lessons seeing the other girls with leg hair so fine it could barely be seen. The thought of the top of my legs being seen in a swimming costume was the worst! Now that I am older, I am certainly less self-conscious about this, and with activists such as Queen Esie on the rise, redefining beauty and showing how ‘real women’ look, will only help both mine and others' mentality of body hair on women. After years of marketing ‘hair free women’ I am glad companies are starting to shift their advertising. However, I do still think representation of mixed-race, Asian and Black women with body hair could be used more.
Being mixed-race has meant people always question where I am from but very rarely guessing correctly. It's a good conversation starter when I get people asking me if I am Spanish, Turkish, Greek, Mexican... (I could go on here) as it provides me with the opportunity to actually explain my true identity and cultural background. However, the only term that has been used towards me and comes to my mind is a racial slur. I have been called it on a few occasions throughout my time at school, and despite it being lighthearted, I certainly didn't appreciate it.
I guess one challenge I feel every year is the transition from summer to winter as I lose my tan. Where others can fake tan, I don’t really feel comfortable doing so, both because it’s not seen culturally, but also because of comments I might get on why a person with Pakistani background should have to fake tan in the first place?? It means I am always wanting to get out into the sun as much as I can and find my mood lifting when I am tanned which is kind of sad to say. Another challenge growing up was people never being able to pronounce my name correctly. Teachers pronouncing it wrong in the register for example or meeting people for the first time after them only seeing my name written. It gives me anxiety even now to have to correct people on the pronunciation of my name, so much so I have even just allowed someone to say it wrong for months in the hope they realise after hearing someone else say it. Despite this, I do really like my ‘unique name’ which mixes the two cultures of Scottish and Pakistani, and definitely wouldn’t change it!
Another relatively new realisation is that I don’t exactly have anyone in my life ‘like me’. What box do I fit into? Where completely White people don’t class you with them, but non mixed of other cultures categorise me as ‘White’.
I am getting to the age that I might want to think about settling and finding a more permanent job, however representation in my place of work would definitely be important. I find when job searching previously, the lack of diversity has even put me off applying to a job, as in my mind I’m concerned about not fitting nicely into the culture they may all have. As your work life takes up a huge chunk of your time, I’d want to have that closeness within a team where people are able to express themselves, bring different mindsets to projects and are interested in learning about the different cultures around them.
To celebrate the Scottish side of the family we try and get together as a family each year for Burns Night, where we recite poems and enjoy the traditional dinner, including haggis. Growing up we have always gathered with my Pakistani family to celebrate Eid also. The food we have at Eid is always amazing. I really look forward to it! And although my immediate family don’t fast, we of course do respect those in the family that do. The holiday I’d say we celebrate with the most enthusiasm is still Christmas.
Overall, my experience being mixed-race has been quite positive, and I totally embrace it. However, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about this amazing platform since discovering it! The mixed-race community is increasing dramatically, and I feel like I am seeing more and more young people of mixed heritage in my neighborhood alone. Despite this, I do feel a sense of wanting to find people from my generation who are mixed-race. To form some sort of community and friendships with likeminded people of similar backgrounds would be amazing, hence why coming across @Mixedracefaces has been such a great thing for me.
In the past I have suffered from extreme disordered eating. So, if I was to say one good thing that came from the pandemic and lockdown was the great amount of time I had to focus on myself and my relationship with food. Since then I have still had low points with regards to my mental health, which only recently I feel more able to discuss and control. Although these issues may not necessarily be related to being mixed-race, I do think subconsciously aspects, such as my darker, and increased amount of body hair, definitely played a part in these challenges I have experienced growing up. Now thinking about it I couldn’t even tell you one person I have seen on TV growing up that looked like me, or that I knew had a mixed background, meaning I felt like I had to look like those I was seeing daily. Nowadays all platforms are becoming increasingly more diverse, which is great!
It has been a while since I cried. I went through a period of crying a lot during a bad mental health patch where I felt I didn’t really have anyone I could rely on and turn to. I now however feel more in control and dare I say ‘happier’, meaning the last time I did cry was based solely on boy issues.