Northern Irish | Jamaican
I identify as a mixed heritage, gay man. My Dad is from Northern Ireland and my Mum’s parents are from Jamaica. They met in England where I was born.
I don’t think they had different cultures, my Mum was raised in the Southeast of England in the seventies by migrants working hard to give their kids a better life and ‘fit in’ as English. And my Dad has a laid-back Irish attitude that in some ways isn’t that different from some Jamaican relatives I’ve met.
By all accounts it’s easier and more socially acceptable to be in an interracial relationship in that you’re less likely to be in physical danger or turned away from places for being together, but then tensions have risen socially and politically and the internet has given a voice to racism, which is influencing the status quo. The divisions are getting more pronounced again, or maybe they never went away. The issues you encounter now may be more subtle, which in some ways can be worse, the ‘death by a thousand cuts’ micro-aggressions that catch up with you. Having one of you be ID’d, or ‘randomly searched’, or not let in somewhere. Those events can build up and manifest in unhealthy ways. If you’re dating someone with different coloured skin, from a different culture, country or religion, I’d advise you be sure you both have the emotional and intellectual range to be able to handle the daily obstacles you’ll face.
I think due to growing up in towns across the UK I feel British and not connected to any other culture in any meaningful way. The scene across the UK is predominantly White and I always ended up with White guys without that being a conscious choice. I used to get so upset when someone would say I’m not their type, now I know it’s their loss. As I get older, I can see my taste was influenced by pop culture as well. The ‘cute’ guys in the media were nearly always White. I remember my Grandad buying me an Easter egg of the boyband Blue. I think he knew before I did.
I did a photoshoot this summer with GMFA with other Black and mixed queer men encouraging testing for HIV. There was great energy and one of the guys had the same skin tone as me, we bonded over our oily faces which sounds silly but it’s so important to find people who have some idea where you’re coming from in terms of your lived experience. I’m fortunate that my fiancé understands that life is different for me. He’s always celebrated all of me. He will stand up for me or encourage me to stand my ground when I’m just too tired to fight every battle. In previous relationships I've been told I have a ‘chip on my shoulder’ if I ever brought up race.
I would be surprised if anyone with mixed heritage hadn’t experienced challenges due to their mixed heritage. There are too many incidents to count. I know instantly if I’m unwelcome in an interview, audition, shop, bar or restaurant due to race. I’m asked where I’m from almost every day. I try not to let it bother me but the constant reminder that I ‘don’t look like I’m from here’ makes me feel like I’m not. It might be easier if I had a place I felt like I was from, but I’ve lived in the UK for pretty much my whole life. What they really want to know is why my skin is this colour, ‘the UK’ doesn’t answer that. I’ve started saying ‘Wakanda forever’ just because, and I’ve never really fully connected with a Black community. I’ve been told by Black people that I look White and can ‘pass’ so don’t have it as hard, which I know to be largely true but the feeling of not having a place that I’m from or a supportive community is something those same people don’t understand. There’s a Mariah Carey song Outside which sums it up really well; ‘Neither here nor there. Always somewhat out of place everywhere’.
People have certain expectations of you and question your tastes and choices in relation to that perception. I’m very open to each side of myself. I’ve never understood people who only eat food from “back home” or listen to one genre. I love Jamaican food and will take down Guinness or whiskey with no problem too. I’ve always had eclectic music taste so can switch from rock and metal to being ‘queen of dancehall’. I sing in a goth band Hurtsfall and often get asked why I make that kind of music. I’m sure people expect me to rap or sing r&b (which I like as well by the way). I used to split up each side of myself and each friendship group but now I just mix everything together which you can see in how I dress. Once you stop trying to make sense for other people life gets good. Everyone is a mix of something it’s just more obvious on me.
I’ve been to Northern Ireland a few times and have to say I did feel welcomed by everyone and enjoyed learning about monks and the Titanic being built, among other things. I’ve been advised by family not to go to Jamaica as my sexuality may put me in danger. I don’t know if that’s still the case.
I’ve become more comfortable with my ethnicity in a bittersweet way, I’m getting used to feeling permanently displaced. I hope as I get older this continues and I connect more with my Jamaican side and can be proud of my heritage on all sides. When I was younger, I tried so hard to assimilate by straightening/relaxing my hair or cutting it so short that I didn’t have to deal with. Anyone about to have mixed kids please educate your child on appropriate haircare. It was seeing Black Panther that inspired me to grow locs. Representation is so important; I don’t remember many Black or mixed role models growing up. I’m sure there were some tokens but not all at once in such a positive way that I can recall.
I do feel my workplace is inclusive of my culture, gender & sexuality but there is still a way to go as the existing structures are built by and for a particular demographic. But I see them acknowledge that and try to fix it with more than just lip service, so I’m positive about the future in that regard.
If I had the opportunity to be reborn, you’ll be surprised to hear that I wouldn’t change a thing. I don’t know that I’d be where I am now if I’d been dealt a different hand. I’m grateful for my life and for every hardship and obstacle because they’ve made me stronger and enabled me to achieve what I have so far. There’s no point wasting time wishing you were someone else.