Irish/Italian | Dominican
I identify as a Black British woman of mixed Afro-Caribbean/British heritage. I am heterosexual. My Mum is from Dominica, a Commonwealth Caribbean island. My Dad was born in London to Italian and Irish parents. He would have identified himself as White-British. They met at work in London and both worked in social housing in the 1980's.
Food was a big part of our lives which inevitably has led me to work within the hospitality industry! Pasta dishes with scotch bonnet and okra, lots of offal which my Dad hated but put up with because it reminded my Mum of back home, or big pieces of roasted meats on the weekend with potatoes and cabbage; the Irish influence. Our grocery shops were a combination of Sainsbury's and Ridley Road market. I always had a more varied and exploratory palate than my peers because of what we ate at home.
We travelled a lot too; road trips to France mostly, but also to South America, the Caribbean, Italy, and other parts of the UK. I was treated like an adult and information wasn't shielded from me. Every place we travelled to, I was told about the good, usually in the form of food and how to connect with people from different cultures; as well as the bad: through museums, visiting important landmarks, and general socialist manifestos that both my parents lectured me on while I sat (asleep) in the back of the car. We were tight-knit so I didn't feel different when I travelled with my parents, something I'm very grateful for. I had a great childhood.
My Dad was always the more vocal one about engaging with my culture than my Mum. For instance my Dad vehemently banned me from visiting the Tate gallery until I was 15 because they built their wealth on slavery and sugar plantations. In contrast, my Mum was the one who wanted me to take advantage of what London could offer me, such as ballet and piano classes. My Mum was the person who drilled into me how to speak properly, hold good posture etc. In very crude terms, I sometimes saw my Dad as the Black person and my Mum as the White British person! Only now do I understand the reasons why they took on those particular roles and that it was both a form of protection for themselves and for me. They never spoke about their respective families response to their interracial partnership, though there was definitely a reaction as we hardly saw anyone from both sides.
I've struggled with self-acceptance, a rite of passage for any human growing up, that has left me feeling vulnerable about what others 'expect' me to be as a mixed-race female, especially when it comes to dating and relationships. I'm over sexualised often and have felt like a trophy girlfriend, or generally misunderstood in a lot of my relationships. It's not something I've completely reconciled, simply because racism and prejudice still exist in the world we live in, plus choosing a partner can be so complex. But I understand that it is much of a personal journey as it is a societal one. Sometimes you have no idea what a person is truly like until you encounter a hardship or shared experience that reveals yourself and them. Often it's about upbringing and how there's has differed to mine. But sometimes it can be differences in their diet, music they're into, their social circles, or how they clean a bathroom, that speaks volumes about who they are as a person.
In the past, my Mum has commented on some of the partners I've had and made blanket statements like ‘was he White/British? That's why it didn't work, they don't get it’. Or even ‘don't trust a Jamaican or Nigerian man - they're rascals’. So there are certain stigmas I've grown up with and an element of 'playing safe' when selecting a partner. Although in my parents defence, they'd always express those kind of comments after the fact! Generally, I've never really had time for people who cannot understand complexities, multiplicity, difference, or have a lack of curiosity for life. Now I have the vocabulary and tools to properly articulate that mindset it has become easier choosing partners that are like minded. Most importantly though, this is my experience as a well-travelled, mixed person who grew up in London in the late 90s. I can imagine having much more of a confusing time were I to live outside of London in the UK. Something I believe is more or less a nightmare.
For a long time I didn't even mention my Italian or Irish heritage. My Dad was just White. Weird because my name is probably the most common Italian name. I've always been proud of my Dominican heritage and have finessed my response to confused questions of whether I speak Spanish (Dominican Republic - not the same) or those that minimise its existence because they've never heard of it before. Only in my 30s have I begun to explore my identity in terms of whether I want to identify as mixed-race or Black. Still something I'm unsure of. I want to make sure I'm identifying for myself and not for the sake of politics or how I appear to others.
The added element of having a White parent and engaging in conversations about 'White supremacy', 'White fragility' and colonialism/imperialism with others that often direct their anger toward all White people as a whole has been hard to navigate. I don't feel shame about being half-White although I do question how I would feel if the 'Whiteness' of my Father was challenged e.g. he is the son of an Italian/Irish family rather than an English man, so my upbringing always included an experience of 'other' whether it was subconsciously or consciously. However it's given me a different perspective that I still haven't decided on whether it's naive or not: it's allowed me to be more hopeful about the future and the future of humanity, because I've seen it first-hand within my family.
I didn't have much interaction with the older generation in my family. My Grandad on my Dad's side passed before I was born and my Grandmother shortly after. I never met my Mum's Dad and we aren't close to my Grandmother on that side. Something which has played a massive part in defining my Caribbean identity. But from what I can deduce, there were strong reactions to interracial relationships. But for me and my future, it doesn't bother me at all. We should each have the freedom to pursue what our hearts want.
I'm light-skinned so I have a certain privilege which has allowed me to enter into many different spaces exposing me to good and bad situations. Studying ballet for 15 years was tough at times. Getting up every Saturday morning at 6am and having my Mum drive me to the Royal Academy of Dance in Battersea to enter into a class where no one would stand at the same bar as me; I was the only PoC. As a teenager, getting the attention of boys was great for the ego! But more seriously, positive discrimination allowed me to get into a few jobs because I had that 'urban' look that would appeal to certain clients etc. I'll take tokenism any day if I'm going to learn from it and then leave people in the dust.
A challenge has been the lack of protection. People don't think twice about asking me personal or intimate questions, invading personal space by touching my hair (that old chestnut), or simply not seeing me when I walk down the street. Positives, I feel much more enriched than others sometimes. I feel like my mixed cultures have added some sort of innate depth to my character. Also travel has been really interesting. I seem to be able to be from everywhere and anywhere all at once, which can help me blend in. Also my name was chosen on purpose, it travels well on a passport.
I have family in both Italy and Dominica and have visited both. We don't have any family in Ireland anymore but I have visited. I used to feel quite uncomfortable with visiting family in native countries as it made me feel like an outsider. I wasn't the same as anyone else. I didn't look the same or have the same cultural references. But that insecurity has waned as I've grown older and felt more confident in myself. I am who I am.
As a child I was totally oblivious to being mixed or race in any form. Fast forward to secondary school and I became aware. University was a particularly challenging time in hindsight: becoming an adult outside of London in a predominately White environment affected me more than I was aware of at the time. Then the growing pains of entering the professional world where you encounter racism more frequently and how it operates in the everyday. I'll continue to face these kinds of challenges and discover new perspectives. But one thing I have never done or don't see myself doing is minimise my mixed heritage.
I work for myself and one of the reasons I do is because I found the workplaces I had worked in were too slow in catering to different identities. I always felt homogenised in offices and it numbed me to the point of boredom and rebellion. Perhaps not the most astute business acumen, but I work with people I like and admire. I don't really pay attention to labels. As you say, you spend most of your time at work, so I'm going to enjoy myself and make sure it serves me, otherwise I'm out!
If I had the opportunity to be reborn I wouldn't change a thing, I'd do it all over again. This is the journey I'm supposed to have in this lifetime. I don't mess with the cosmos. I'm a Sagittarius.
The pandemic has been a time to strip back and assess what serves me and doesn't serve me in my life. London is a beast and I often need time out from it. I generally take each day as it comes, yet the only thing that I'm anxious about is the return to 'normal'. I worry that all of the time we've had to reflect and take stock will be wasted once the rat race starts up again. Exposed. Overwhelmed. Angry. Tired. Many of the same emotions that I believe others are feeling.