Irish | Irish/Ghanaian
My Mother was born in Liverpool, she has Irish heritage. My Father was also born in Liverpool but has mixed Irish & Ghanaian heritage. I never really thought about how I would identify myself, I think that is part of being mixed is. I am all things and nothing completely, I am not completely White, I am not completely Black. I can’t identify myself as any one particular thing, so there are positives and negatives to that. The negative is that I don't’ feel I belong. I was adopted out of the family, I only found my sister 20 years ago and that was the first time I found a sense of belonging because I saw someone that looks like me. We both grew up in very White families, we did not physically see ourselves in any one around us so for both of us it was the same thing when we found each other. We finally found ourselves as well. That was the first time I was able to identify myself in someone else and have that sense of belonging. But having spent most of my life not belonging, recognising myself in anyone around me, apart from Shirley Bassey, I don’t think there was anyone of representation in film, magazine or media, so I did not see myself in my family. I did not see myself in any kind of representation on screen, so I have always been quite singular in my identity and not of any formal religion, formal kind of identify with anything out there. There have been positives in being able to create my world, create my own self-esteem, my levels of acceptance. It’s also made me more empathetic for those other misfits if you like. There are the positives that I have had to develop over my life BUT the negative’s have been that loneliness of not feeling you belong anywhere. It’s not by design that I had my son and then found my sister. I suddenly had something to identify with in my son, also it was important to be able to tell him his roots and his story. So it became a much stronger impulse to find my biological family then.
My Mother got pregnant with me in the 60s, which was very difficult as she was a 19-year-old Roman Catholic. I don’t really know how she managed. My sister and I are here through grief, our Aunty was dying. Our Aunties best friend was our Father, and obviously our Mother was her sister. Our Mother and Father got together in grief and obviously there is a lot of toxic shame over that. So our Mother is very reluctant to tell us anything. But I don’t know how you can get pregnant have me, which, fine, is a mistake, but then do it again a year later? That is either very foolish or there was a relationship there, but we really don't know much about that bit. My Dad was not part of anyone’s life, he was not around in my sister’s life. My sister and I are a year apart in age. I was given up for adoption at six weeks and the same was going happen to my sister (our Mother was living in London at the time). Our Grandmother came down from Liverpool, picked up my sister and told my Mother ‘you are not doing the same thing with her’. So my sister was brought up in the family but again a very White Catholic Irish family. So I think you know the struggles of a young Irish girl with a mixed-race Irish Ghanaian guy in Liverpool in the 60s. I mean it was, you know, it just did not happen then. It was very much frowned upon, being Catholic, it’s a sin! I don’t know too much from then but I do know in the 60’s a mixed relationship was just not done.
If you grow up a misfit through design, through trauma, through whatever. You have greater empathy for any another misfit, anyone else who does not conform for whatever reason. You are far more empathetic. The greatest compliment anyone has ever given me was my husband years ago, ‘I have never met anyone so blind to race, creed, religion as you’. I thought that is such a beautiful thing to say. It’s not a conscious thing from me, but I genuinely am blind to all the above. You know I have sat and had dinner with Princes and Plumbers, I treat everyone exactly the same. It’s utterly dependant on the person of course. I don’t care what your title is, I will treat you the same. If you show me respect it will be returned. So in terms of any kind of mixed relationships, things like that, I have never been concerned by it. I don’t think it’s ever been a conscious consideration of mine. It’s none of my business, unless you interfere with my life and prevent me from doing something, it is up to you what you do with your life.
My culture doesn’t affect the way I choose my partners. If you love someone, you love them. Although at the time I got married I still did not know much about my biological past. You know when people say so and so are my type, well I have never had a type. It’s utterly down to the person. If you look at my history of relationships everyone could not be more different from the next, so I don’t think knowledge of my history and my heritage would have impacted on my personal relationships. I don’t think it would at all, knowing or not knowing.
It makes me race - blind and or empathetic to any injustices. I had so many people of colour saying to me, ‘what is your heritage?’, well I did not know at that time because I was adopted, and I did not know I was adopted until later years. Most people said, check your background, so when the confirmation came it was quite a RELEASE and a RELIEF to have the truth. I was incredibly proud, it’s very interesting to see my sons who are incredibly proud of their heritage and that pleases me beyond belief. They are both quite different in colour, one is darker than the other and they have both got an afro. My hair has gotten straight over the years, I straightened it for work etc. But it is still very curly and frizzy, but the boys have a full on afro and they will comb their hair out to a massive afro. My eldest son has a blond afro.
As an actress, I could never play ‘family members‘, as we did not look like each other. I grew up having to tell myself it was ok to be different because I was always different. But I did not know why, I created my celebration from that. So, when I found out why, all it did was confirm the reason I was always aware of that I was different. I always embraced that, I made that my thing. I am incredibly proud to be part of a Ghanaian & Ashanti tribe and discovering that was a lovely thing to do. My sister and I were talking about this earlier, years ago if you had afro hair there were a few places you could get your hair done. If you are White there were endless places. But if you are mixed your hair was not one way or the other, one was too harsh and the other not strong enough. It was really difficult growing up. Even though it is such a simple thing to do. Whereas now you can go anywhere and get your hair done, or products in the shops, just those differences are enormous. Such a simple thing as getting your hair done is such an enormous thing in a women’s life. It’s those things which are noticeable changes in culture now, I always had my hair up and curly, but for jobs it was always straightened and ironed out. So my hair was a massive challenge. But also the perception, because my mother is so pale (she is as White as snow), so I am in turn am quite pale, so pass as White in terms of work but as I said. I would never be cast in a family scenario because I was never White enough, and not mixed enough to go the other way. I just never fit anywhere, but that is the challenge I have always celebrated being different and I have instilled that into the boys. You celebrate that you are different, who wants to be like the person next to you?
Going to Ghana with Water Aid took me to places which were most deprived. I saw those in need which is desperately sad. But I think it was just knowing that my Grandparents came from that culture, really struck me. I found myself searching everyone’s faces to find familiar recognition, just really soaking up the music, colour & food. Absolutely soaking everything up, I loved it. I really want to take my children there. I am aware however that living there is a different thing.
I no longer feel like an outsider as there is more representation on media now. The culture has changed. You know I was saying that if I wrote my autobiography I would call it, ‘a touch of the tar brush‘, because that is all I ever heard. I would hear people saying to me, to my parents, ’she has got a touch of the tar brush‘, which is a horrendous term and phrase. I absolutely hate it, that is all I heard everywhere. I hated it, but that was the culture. You know there were signs saying no Blacks, no Irish and no dogs. I remember seeing those things, it was and still is horrific & utterly unacceptable. But now being of mixed heritage it is celebrated, its actually revered. It’s quite attractive now, when I was growing up it was not, so it is actually the culture which has changed, not me or my sister. I do feel more accepted now, it’s just nice that everyone around has changed their attitude. It’s just a nicer way to live.
I am who I am, I would not know why or what to change. Despite having tremendous traumas in life, it has made me the person I am. It has brought me into contact with the people that I have in my life. If I changed it, I would not have those people in my life. I would rather those trauma’s not have happened but, apart from you know, chasing around trying to find a guy called Bill Gates, or Geoff Bezos and hooking up with them, haha. I don’t know how or why I would change anything, it would mean I would not have those I love in my life. So in a nutshell, I would have the same all over again.