Irish | Hong Kong Chinese
My Mum is from Hong Kong, and my Dad is from Ireland, but was born in the UK. My Dad travelled all over the world when he was younger, and through those adventures he met my Mum. Some time later, they got married. Mum moved to the other side of the world, to a country she had never even visited before. When I think of that decision she made 30-odd years ago, it feels so alien to me, I don't know if I'd be able to take that risk. To be honest, they didn't combine their cultures. I was raised in a city where 90% of the population were White people. Mum cooked western meals, but rice was a constant. We'd never discuss race. We didn't learn Cantonese. Food was the strongest link to my heritage that I had. Occasionally we'd go out for dim sum in the Chinatown in Birmingham, I'd always enjoy those trips.
My Mum used to be involved in the local Chinese community, so I remember going to Chinese events, but eventually we stopped going. I think my Mum received a lot of judgement for marrying a White man. I went to watch the Revolution of our Times at the cinema recently. It is a documentary about the protests in Hong Kong. There is a song 'Glory to Hong Kong' that is played during the credits. I have heard my mum sing this around the family home, often full of sadness and despair.
I've only been to Hong Kong twice, and I was too young to remember anything the first time! My second visit was when I was a teenager, where we (my siblings and I) were allowed to explore the city by ourselves. We all had Octopus cards and local SIM cards so we could call Mum if we got lost. The changing political environment in Hong Kong makes me feel like I'm losing a home I never quite had. I can't imagine what it's like for Hong Kongers.
Both my parents disagree with my opinions on racial issues, they don't see the harm when someone asks me 'where I'm really from?', or when someone shouts a racial slur at me in the street. My Dad will generalise East and South East Asian countries, making statements that turn the region into a monolith, which is incredibly frustrating to hear and deal with.
I carried lots of internalised racism, I had a stereotype of what a Chinese girl should look like, behave and sound like. I questioned my own Asian-ness based on that stereotype. I was a size 12/14 in my teens and I would think that I was a bad Asian for not being petite and slim. I realise now, stereotypes are harmful and should be avoided. I've experienced a lot of fetishisation for being mixed and Asian. Dating apps are a minefield, far too many people with Asian fetishes who expect you to not have opinions and to love sushi, and backhanded compliments. From 'you're pretty for an Asian' to the downright obscene. Nowadays, I find calling out racist jokes, behaviour and microaggressions a lot easier. I've carried around the burden of those negative exchanges far too long.
I'm unsure whether people, when they meet me, spot that I'm not wholly White British. When I was growing up in Coventry, I'd often be approached and people would make exotifying comments like 'you look exotic, what are you?', or would not be satisfied when I'd answer when asked where I was from. I'm not sure if those kinds of questions are generally less acceptable, or whether I live in London where I don't hear those types of comments as frequently.
I tend to talk about my ethnic background or culture in the company of people who I trust, and often that tends to be other people of colour. I tend to avoid talking about my heritage at work, where most of the people are White. It's an act of self-preservation. There is minimal diversity within senior roles at my workplace. It's something that has been raised on multiple occasions, but there has been no resolve. Employers talk a lot about diversity and inclusion, but fail to create safe spaces where people can talk about their different backgrounds. I recognise that being ethically ambiguous is a huge privilege and there are so many individuals who cannot hide their identity.
The world has been constructed with racism within its foundations. A cultural shift needs to happen in order to change societal structures, power dynamics and law. That shift needs to span the justice system and policing, the education system (from early years!), healthcare, politics, everything! Every single industry needs to change. I've noticed that HR departments, when faced with complaints of racism from staff, don't adequately support people of colour, nor do they take seriously the long-term impact of racism in the workplace. Taught history needs to become less Euro-centric, and students should learn about the atrocities committed by the British Empire. New narratives should include ones of joy, and not solely pain, that celebrate Black people, Asian people, and other racialised individuals. I'm supportive of a range of opinions, but when your opinion is harming others, whether that be directly or indirectly, that shouldn't be the norm.
I don't know if I have a role model. At work and in my personal life, I try to surround myself with people who have brilliant qualities and who inspire me in some way. I'm incredibly grateful to have been able to connect with my own heritage through the ESEA Sisters (@esea.sisters) community; the group has massively changed my life. The support and validation and joy is something I don't want to ever be without again.
I don't know if it's age-related but I've grown more confident in who I am, what I look like, how I speak as the years pass. I recall wearing traditional Chinese clothing in the later years of primary school for Lunar New Year, but during secondary school and my time at university my pride dwindled. It was easier to try to be as White as possible to avoid being singled-out. There were a lot of racial jokes thrown about by my so-called friends that I would go along with, and even make about myself, because I wanted to fit in. I even think teachers joined in on occasion.
I love seeing more (East/South East) Asian representation in the media, including mixed-race individuals Emma Raducanu and Naomi Osaka in the sporting world, to predominantly Asian films like Shang-Chi, Turning Red and To All The Boys I've Loved Before, to musicians such as Rina Sawayama and Griff. I understand not all representation is positive. Whilst I enjoyed Crazy Rich Asians, I find myself wondering whether non-Asians will watch the film and create inaccurate stereotypes from the film. I mentioned earlier that food is a major connection between myself and my Chinese heritage. We wouldn't really celebrate the Lunar New Year when I was growing up, but I love learning about the traditions and participating in my own way.
I'd like to learn Cantonese. Generally, Mandarin is more commonly taught as it's the language spoken across mainland China. It would be really great to visit my relatives in Hong Kong and converse with them in their native language!
The pandemic gave me a lot of very low moments. When we entered the first lockdown, I was alone in a shared flat for some time, before I moved in with friends. I wouldn't wish that feeling of loneliness on anyone. I helped out with my local Mutual Aid group which was a positive distraction from the increased intensity of my job.