English | Guyanese
My parents met in a hospital, both as nurses. My Dad was blood fire! A serious man who made sure we respected him. He was a tough love man, and so lessons were FELT if not heard. Assuring and owning your identity, who you are, and not allowing the world to shake that, my Dad has made sure we have in us. From Peter Tosh to Carlos Santana, my Dad's music and cooking had a great influence on us. The rhythm, feel, variety and bass from across the Americas was always in our ears and on our plates. The importance of our history, being from the Caribbean, with the repercussions of that history still felt today was and is something that we live with. Therefore what happens in the African global diaspora community is always a conversation we have, inwardly and outwardly.
My Mum is calm as water, measured and completely unselfish. The most non-confrontational person I know, my Mum lives her life purely for others. A much more gentler approach, Mum was always ready to listen and reflect. As opposed to blowing down a door with full force, no matter how long it took, my Mum would open that door the right way. With no mess. My creativity and thirst for storytelling comes from her, as she read to me stories at night because I was afraid of the dark. Despite being incredibly shy, she lets loose to the Rolling Stones, Fleetwood Mac, Bruce Springsteen and Stevie Wonder. Her music is so varied, it's hard to pin it down. Having her Grandma from Egypt and her parents who lived most of their lives in other countries besides England, her cooking is very French / Mediterranean / Middle Eastern based. My favourite food being her Tabouleh is a family favourite and something we ALL know how to make.
If I have one area of myself I can call weak, it was my love for Ganja. I say was, because that chapter of my life is well and truly done. But during the third lock down, after years of being clean, herb found me again. I was crushed. Livid with myself for even trying it again. I started when I was 14. When you're young and running away from home life, herb can be a very friendly thing! But it had been too many years since I had been smoking it religiously, and I stopped. So to find myself high again at 26, no job, no momentum, no confidence...I was in a very dark place. Addiction is real. And it's not easy to admit. But you have to do it in order to get realistic about where you are in your life and what needs to change. Everything above our ground level existence is what helped me shut the door on that for the last time. Through prayer, meditation and pure will...the creator has brought me back to me.
If you are going to live in a Caucasian country and you're not that, and if you're going to have people in your country who aren't Caucasian, there are A LOT of uncomfortable conversations we need to have with one another to truly be empathetic to a perspective. This is very difficult. Because it's been years and years of void over specific questions and topics. This means different things for different generations also.
History is my role model. Learning from the past opens the doors to a different future. I also find great teachings in the ease and innocence of children. People need to ask themselves in their own communities what they really want out of equality. Despite my feelings to the truth, being one side has more to answer for and more work to do than the other, as someone who hears what is said on both sides behind closed doors, both have work to do.
The things I can't stand regarding my identity are never ME things. It is how I am perceived. White people claim me as White. Black people claim me as Black. I have big problems with this because you're not seeing me for me. You're putting your own version onto me instead of seeing and hearing the truth of what I am. People take this as entitlement too, where that isn't the point at all. How can you own yourself fully if you only claim half of it? Sometimes people aren't satisfied with that, like you have to be one or the other. Which can nullify people taking your struggles seriously.
In my industry, it feels like being mixed is a certain look? Which can affect the movement of your career. This is hard, because essentially the industry reflects society, and if you and no other people that look like you are being represented then it can feel like you're being put in the 'unusable pile'. All that aside, I would never change my existence for nothing. No one can talk for me better than I can. I love my life and how I am and how I look and the man I'm becoming. I have been happy with who I am for a long time. Outside of identity, I have memories, relationships and experiences I'll never forget. Above anything else I achieve, nothing can top that.
I have spent time both in Guyana and France. Guyana is a hidden gem. It reflects my family a lot. A mash up of different people. You can tell you're in South America, but at times you could feel you're in west Africa, in the countryside you could feel like you're in India. The buildings have Dutch design. The colour, temperature and hospitality of the place is one that eases my soul. I think anyone who is from or who has family from tropical countries, there is a healing that goes on when you spend time there. I won't say it's ALL laughter and roses. Life is very different out there and you have to act accordingly. But, the quality of life as I know and respect it is much better than what we eat and drink in countries like England, especially in the city. France too was a place very healing for me. On both sides of my family, we are outdoors people. Space. Land. Fresh ingredients. Forests. All weather. To hear my family speaking French, going to the markets and the baker's...there is an Identity that England is losing, if not all lost. France is much bigger so it feels like there is more to discover, you can breathe differently over there, not as trapped.
I always make a pepperpot at Christmas without fail. Swank in the summer. The food I eat is varied but prominently Caribbean inspired. As a chef also I make a lot of different dishes. My relationship with the earth and spirituality is probably the main thread on both sides of my family that anchor me onto earth. How we should be living, what you value etc.
The pandemic made me stop. And reflect. And under the rug there was some cleaning to do. On top of graduating after three years of intense training, living alone for so many years, coming out of a relationship which was a whole complexity by itself. Not seeing my Father in 6 years, my Mother getting married without telling me, having a rocky start to my career, drugs finding me again, being indoors for so long, going onto universal credit, struggling to pay rent every month...I can comfortably say that the pandemic has been my toughest challenge in my life to date. I am growing now in a different way because of it, where my appreciation for the time I have and where my energy is going has brought about a shift which has become a significant chapter in my story.
The last time I cried was Christmas 2021. My uncle passed away in 2020 and I went to clean his headstone and lay flowers. My Dad has been living in Australia for years, unfortunately due to the pandemic he wasn't able to come over to be with his brother when he passed. My Uncle has been there for me the last few years because of this, and our bond grew stronger. The first loss in my life I really knew. I wept. I wept for him, for my Dad. I wept in pain and in happy memories past. I was alone for this, a theme that seems to run through my life.