Indian | Sri Lankan
I always call myself Asian British; for me, my upbringing is as much a part of my identity as my heritage. When people ask me 'where are you from', and I know Essex is never the answer they're looking for, I tend to say Indian. I never mean to ignore my Mum's side of the family, but sometimes it's just easier to go for the more 'obvious' answer in terms of my appearance. A lot of people question whether my Mum is white, as she is quite fair and people tend to associate Sri Lanka with Tamil people more, and I once got asked in a school maths lesson whether I was adopted.
I never really 'clicked' with either of my parents' religions, and they aren't very religious themselves. I quite like the idea of some of the Buddhist teachings but I don't really practice them, on forms I tend to put Sikh, most people assume I am anyway because of my surname, and we do go to the Sikh temple sometimes, if there are family events or other things going on.
Indian culture especially is steeped in colourism, just look at the number of 'lightening creams' you can get. Because of my Mum, I am relatively fair, so I have never really been subjected to any prejudice because of that, but I think the recent world events have really forced me to confront my own culture and take a long look at what I can do to help. Sometimes it can be hard to have those conversations with people in your life, especially if they're quite old, you never quite know when to draw the line. It's important to have those conversations though, because it's not just the older generations with those views. At school, I knew of people that were still in favour of the caste system, and I think if you come from a higher caste than your family can be more in favour of it; why go against a system that benefits you, right?
My Dad was born in Rajasthan, India, and my Mum was born in Sri Lanka, near to Columbo. They both moved to the UK when they were about 5 years old. My Dad is actually Punjabi, my Grandma was born in what is now Pakistan. But when partition happened her family relocated to just outside of Rajasthan. My Mum's side of the family are Sinhalese and have some Portuguese in them as well. My parents both studied dentistry in London and met in their second year of university (and have been together ever since which is quite terrifying!). Weirdly, almost everyone I know in our close circle of family/friends met their now partner at university, but to me that feels so young.
My Mum can't speak Sinhalese (her native language), and while my Dad can speak Punjabi he never taught us. I think if they both had the same second language then my sister and I might have picked it up from my parents speaking it around the house, but as it stands I can't talk to my Dad's Mum as she only speaks very basic English. Because both of my parents came to the UK when they were very young, they grew up surrounded by British culture, and so did my sister and I. Food is probably the main way I experience my parents culture, we visit Leicester to see my Dad's family once a month, and I'm always hyped to eat my Nanni's chicken curry and parathas when we go. Visiting Leicester is often strange, as my Dad was the only one out of his siblings that went to University and moved away, his siblings stayed in Leicester and all my cousins are much more familiar with Indian culture than my sister and I, they can all speak Punjabi pretty fluently, and I can sometimes feel a bit out of touch with that side of my heritage.
From my Mum's side, I definitely connect to my culture by the food. Sri Lankan food is amazing, it's so vibrant and colourful, I just find it so exciting. My Mum makes this breakfast dish called Kiribath, which is like a savoury version of rice pudding. It's made with all these spices and served with red onion and lemon. I love it, and it really makes me feel connected to a culture I actually don't know much about.
My parents spend all their lives trying to not be the 'immigrant kids' from Asia, so in a way they've had to learn to love their cultures alongside me and my sister. They did have a wedding that incorporated both of their cultures though, they had an English style wedding first, but with a Buddhist ceremony, and then a Sikh wedding about 6 months later. I like that they did that, I think it cements the idea that their marriage is a combination of both their cultures coming together.
We've never been to either India or Sri Lanka, although my parents have both been separately to their respective 'homelands' in recent years, and pre-children travelled together to both. I think we were hoping to go as a family once I graduate, but we'll have to see how the whole global situation goes. I think if my parents ever took us they'd want to do both countries in one trip but finding a slot in the calendar has been tricky, with me at university but my sister still in school. Also, because my parents immigrated to the UK when they were so young, my Mum especially, I think they feel quite removed from the family they left behind. It's a bit easier for my Dad as he can at least speak the language, but my Mum can only understand Sinhalese, so it would be difficult to visit the village she was born in without someone else there.
I don't think I've ever consciously not pursued a relationship with someone, and my parents are quite liberal in that sense, but I have never told my parents about any relationships I've had. And I don't think I would unless I was certain it was going to go a long way. I think it's quite a cultural thing, my parents and I have a very 'don't ask, don't tell' relationship, in the conventional sense I wouldn't say we are that close to each other. But that's just how our family is. I think my Grandparents would be more vocal than my parents on who I should and shouldn't date, but even then their views don't massively impact my decisions.
It's strange, because culturally there are a lot of 'restrictions' on dating, especially in Indian culture, just watch the show ‘Indian matchmaking’ for a brief overview. But I've never really felt pressured, and my parents can't really comment given that they both married out of their culture.
I sometimes feel like I am two people, and I never really know which one is the true me. I am not close with my parents, and I don't say that like it's a bad thing, just that I don't think they need to know about what's going on in my life. So I definitely hide a lot from them. With my friends I'm a lot more open. I am lucky to have a really solid friendship group from school. I'd trust those guys with my life, but they're the kind of people whose families have lived in the same county for generations, so sometimes it's hard to articulate certain things to them. It's like, it's easier to talk to someone when they can relate to what you're saying, and sometimes you just avoid those conversations with people because it's less effort than trying to explain. I've honestly never felt like I fit in, I'm too Brown to relate to all my White friends, but too much of a White to relate to the Asian squad at school.
Sri Lanka has a lot of racial tension, and it would be wrong to say that my Grandparents aren't of a generation where interracial relationships were frowned upon. However, I also think it would be unfair to say they wouldn't be open to changing their views, given some time and a series of long conversations. At the end of the day, they just want me to be happy. People can change their views; I've seen it in my own family. Relationships between people of two different religions can be quite taboo, and I won't go into too much detail but I've seen my Dad's side of the family overcome their own prejudices in support of the happiness of their family, so I do truly believe that people can change their views.
My parents have very modern views on relationships, but I think they're, sadly, in the minority for their generation, at least in British Asian culture. There is a lot of baggage left over from colonisation, my Grandparents were directly affected by partition, and in a lot of cases I think those feelings have been passed down the generations. I think my generation is the first to see a widespread shift in views, especially on things like interracial relationships, homosexuality and gender roles, and I think a lot of that is due to how connected the world is now. It's so easy to access information, and yes there are downsides, but I think the ability of the internet to educate and bring people together has really contributed to this generational pivot.
People don't talk about the positives of being mixed-race enough. I get to experience twice the amount of culture, get to exist in twice the amount of spaces, relate to twice the amount of people. So often the narrative around being mixed-race is how hard it can be, the difficulties, the struggles, so it's nice to celebrate it. I love Sikh weddings. There are so many wonderful traditions that happen, and if I ever got married I would want both some form of Buddhist and Sikh ceremony incorporated.
I remember being about 7 or 8, and we'd been talking about email addresses in school. My parents had made me one using my middle name, and I have this distinct memory of telling my Dad I didn't like it because it was 'too Indian'. I spent a lot of my school life not really acknowledging any part of my parents cultures, I guess it was easier to fit in a school, in year 2 we went on a trip to a church and I was the only one in my year not to raise my hand when the tour guide asked who had been baptised. Those moments where you realise you are different really stick with you as a child. It really wasn't till I got to university that I began to really embrace my culture, and more towards my Dad’s side, just because 'Indian' seems to be the main representation in Cambridge. I think the shift at university happened for two reasons; 1) two of my closest friends are South Asian, and they really helped me appreciate the culture, and everything I'd really been missing out on by not being interested in it, and 2) I was suddenly surrounded by white people; my secondary school was a grammar and was actually pretty racially diverse, there was a strong 'Asian squad' at school, and I was always considered more White than Brown. Coming to Cambridge, I was suddenly seen as 'different', that feeling from 10 years ago definitely resurfaced, but this time I was old enough to decide I wasn't going to run away from who I am anymore. I hope to learn more about my Mum's culture as I get older, and especially when I am lucky enough to have both my Grandparents on that side to talk to, I want to learn about their lives and their cultures while I still can. I think over the last couple years I have begun to accept that being mixed is a positive thing, and I should stop trying to hide parts of who I am just because it lets me 'fit in'.
I feel like there have been more token gestures than actual, systematic change. Engineering is a very typically male subject, and while the stats are getting better, there are definitely times when you really do feel the male privilege. Like, there are male toilets on most floors of the department, but the closest female toilets are sometimes not even in the same building. It's the little things, like how sometimes all the gauges are in really high places, or the casual sexism from lecturers or supervisors that you don't notice until you think back on an interaction and go 'hold on...' I think there are some amazing students doing amazing things to try to combat this though, but it would be nice to see some action led by the faculty rather than the student body for a change.
Culturally I don't think I have ever needed the university to be considerate, but I am still appalled at their treatment of people who decide to fast for Ramadan. My colleges reluctance to allow students a freezer so they would be able to prepare meals quicker when fasting baffled me, not only were they fasting during exam period (and exam provision forms explicitly state Ramadan is not included), but to allow them a freezer would really not have affected the anyone else greatly, and I just can't understand why it wasn't allowed. It just shows how much work there is to be done when it comes to the university putting the money where its mouth is I guess.
I don't really believe in reincarnation, but if I had the opportunity to be reborn I guess I would say a straight White male, then maybe my life would be easier. Also, it's always easier to change a system from the top down, so getting to the top faster would mean I'd have longer to make really, systematic changes.
It's been interesting seeing how my community has reacted to the death of George Floyd. There have been people who will join the Black Lives Matter protests and condemn the police brutality in America but will not accept the issues present at their own front door. I do get it, sometimes it's harder to accept your own wrongdoings than to point the finger at others, but I wish that people would realise that change starts with them.
I enjoy being busy, I sign up to as many societies as I can handle alongside my degree usually, so it was quite a change being stuck at home during lockdown with not much to do. Both my parents are healthcare workers, so at least all 4 of us weren't stuck in the house together, which helped prevent arguments! I was lucky enough to have an internship over the summer, which still went ahead (albeit virtually), and that has kept me busy enough. I'm a very social person, my friends are very much my main support system in life, so I have made sure to keep in close contact with them. In some way, the lockdown has made my friendship group from school become very close again, as we've been able to meet up as the rules have been relaxed slightly. I've also gotten a lot closer to my sister, this is the longest I have been home since I went off to university so it's been nice to connect with her a bit more. We have quite a large age gap so this is the first time we have really been able to relate to the same things. Before I started working, I was doing quite a bit of exercise - pre lockdown I would go to the gym quite often so I was trying to get into doing home workouts, but since starting my internship I've found my time filled with other things.