Indian/Guyanese | Nigerian
I am a mixed-race Black woman, of Afro-Desi origins. My Mum is from India/Guyana, and my Dad is Nigerian. They met in London working for Lambeth council in Brixton in the early 90s.
My Mother’s Father disowned her and I only met him once in my life by accident. I found him to be strange because he used to sometimes call me on my birthdays and send gold jewellery for me. I knew from the age of about 7 that it was a race issue and my parents let my Grandma (his wife) explain it all to me. Otherwise, I had great relationships with both sides of the family. My family parties always integrated both sides so it was natural for me to see my Brown and Black relatives laughing and in community with each other. My parents said that they used to get lots of stares and insults in the beginning.
First and foremost, I am a Londoner, so our culture is an inherently mixed one. There are plenty of Caribbeans, plenty of Indians and plenty of Nigerians in London, so I’ve never had a shortage of access to my ancestral heritages. I eat more Guyanese food, my philosophical beliefs are mostly Vedic, but I’m a dual-national Ijebu Yoruba Nigerian and go there quite a lot.
I knew my parents were from different places and looked very different to each other and to me. Most of my cousins are mixed; some with Jamaican, Pakistani, Dutch, Goan, so it was just a norm to be around people with parents who were different ‘races’. But the concept of being actually ‘mixed-race’ came as I started to get into secondary school and people would ask ‘are you light skin or mixed-race?’. I now realise that they were asking if I had two parents of African descent, or just one. Most people accept that I am Black, but recently I have seen bizarre online discourse suggesting that I can’t be if my Mother isn’t. For me, this isn’t something I woke up and consciously decided one day. It is simply who I am. I have always had my Indian-ness invalidated by various people but weirdly, mostly White people. Some people can’t seem to see beyond my physical appearance, which is a classic mixed-race experience I suppose!
I remember being occasionally rejected by Asian girls. I think this is a recurring theme for Indo-Caribbeans and the added layer of being Black complicated it further. Rejection came in the form of accusing me of being untruthful when, for example, speaking about what I was doing for Diwali, or talking about the foods I eat at home. Another mixed-race girl who was Asian and English outright refused to accept that my Mum was of Indian descent. She kept trying to convince me that my Mum was half Black, but there’s no way she could’ve thought that, as my Mum doesn’t look Black at all. However, this is completely different now. I have plenty of Asian friends who see me for who I am.
I had some self-hatred around embracing the Hindu aspects of my identity. Hindus tend to be very inclusive, so it was never a race issue. It’s because of discourse from Abrahamic/Ibrahimic people about so-called ‘idol-worship’, and making out our practices to be some sort of demonic jungle mumbo-jumbo. When I went to university, I experienced the start of a spiritual awakening that deepened following a period of 2 years where I lost 3 loved ones, all suddenly. I find comfort and strength in the beautiful and complex philosophy of my ancestors.
Remember that things are not always as they appear, in all aspects of life. People will categorise and box you in, but you can be more than one thing at once.
I don’t hide my background, but I don’t disclose that I am also of Indian descent in new professional spaces immediately. This is mostly because I’ve had experiences where people begin to analyse my physical features, my Nigerian surname. I’ve been asked if my Desi side is really ‘purely’ Desi, or if my Mum is really also mixed with Black. I’ve also had the bizarre comment by White people frequently of ‘I thought you were Black’, and then I have to explain that this statement makes no sense, since you can be Black racially based on your phenotype AND be ethnically/genetically also something else. I prefer to avoid justifying myself as it’s uncomfortable. My Mum’s sister, who passed away in 2021. She affirmed my philosophical self and taught me to enjoy my life and live in the moment. She was a strong woman, who suffered a lot. But she was incredibly kind, stylish and cultured.
I have been called exotic several times outside of London. I went to the University of York and heard this a lot. I feel like a standard Londoner. There are plenty of AfroDesi and all kinds of mixed people in London.
I don’t know about ‘admire’ but I certainly feel at home in Latin America. In Brazil and Colombia, I feel like I can easily fit in and I enjoy their respective foods. I think it’s because they are both heavily mixed-race societies so my Latin friends are completely un-phased and un-confused seeing my family and me existing as a mixed person. I attended a festival for the Yoruba goddess Yemoja this year in Brazil with some Baiano friends. They are all mixed people who are very proud of their Nigerian roots. A shiva-linga, bhaji and coconut chokha, and a piece of Nigerian visual art; either a painting or some metal-work owing to my namesake; the Yoruba god of metal Ogun.
I work in a pretty multiracial law firm. On my team there are two other mixed people. I’m sure there are others at the firm. My closer colleagues all know but it’s not something I’d disclose to others. I’m sure many wouldn’t have a clue that I’m Desi and just see me as being of African descent.
My diet is very Indo-Caribbean. I read a lot of Vedic texts and have started participating more in active Hindu worship. I visit Nigeria and other parts of Africa frequently. I am very close with my Father and younger cousins on that side too.