Iban | Scottish
I am half Iban; who are the indigenous people of Borneo, specifically the Malaysian state of Sarawak, and half White New Zealander (of Scottish heritage). My Mother was born in New Zealand (her Mother was born in Scotland, her Father was of Scottish descent but born in New Zealand) and my Father is Iban, born and bred in Sarawak!
They met in the 70s, there were a number of scholarships being awarded to (predominantly men) of post-colonial, global south people. These scholarships were for universities to other ‘global north’ post-colonial countries. My Father was awarded one of these scholarships, even though at the time he had no real idea of what a university was. He was either going to go to Canada or New Zealand; he chose NZ as it was closer. He went to the university in Wellington.
My Mother grew up in Wellington and was in her nursing training (aged 17) when she met my Dad at a party. They married four years later. During that time my Father had gone back to Sarawak and was teaching in a school upriver, and my Mother went to visit him. They married in Wellington, and then they went to Australia as my Father had been offered a scholarship to do a PhD on the Iban harvest festival. My parents also spent a year upriver when my Father was doing his field work, so my Mother had to learn Iban, cook over an open fire and live the Iban way of life! I was born after my Dad graduated, in Canberra, Australia; and six weeks after I was born we moved to Sarawak.
As we lived in Sarawak, the East Malaysian/ Iban identity was the most dominant. And when my parents split up, and we moved to New Zealand with my Mum, she was very conscious of installing / keeping up that identity. In a lot of ways I think I learnt to be Malaysian / Iban from my Mother. Although I am cross that she didn’t keep speaking to us in Iban (her Iban is very good) so I lost that, which I really regret now.
I found it very difficult being mixed-race in New Zealand. There was a lot of subtle racism, that now as an adult I am only just beginning to unpick. I feel like my sister dealt with it better; she has a much stronger sense of personal identity and was younger. I was super awkward as a child and being Brown and adding dyslexia to that, I was always a misfit!
My PhD looked at how identity changes when space and location changes, based on Iban women, therefore I am hyper aware of race, gender and migration with post-colonial contexts, both personal and national identities. Therefore understanding multiple identities is a constant interrogation of mine. I firmly believe that we can exist in both/multiple worlds at the same time. I find the idea of being ‘caught in the middle’ that is a mixed narrative, is negative, and I want to empower the idea of having multiple identities. I think we can hold multiple identities in our hands, at the same time. I think my Mother, no matter how well she did, didn’t have the language (no one did!) or experience to really understand how being mixed-race, or rather, Brown in a White community was like. My Dad doesn’t even address it and is blissful in being ok with us not speaking the Iban language.
Both parents just let us be, as we are. Which is lovely, but I think finding ways to really understand cultural heritage is really important to ideas of belonging. In a world where you can get met with hostilities (as the UK has fast become) there is a sense of ‘cultural defensiveness’, as Akala has coined in his book Native. Installing nuance, pride and articulation on the details makes you feel strong to face the world as different. And, this is also coming from a place where I understand that my light-skinned, mixed-race, (over) educated identity holds a lot of privilege.
I do live in a majority White world, and although coming from a very humble (at times tough) financial background, my cultural capital and education means I do exist in a predominantly White world.
I am aware of the fact that I am ambiguous. I get to pass through space because I can’t be labelled easily. In the global north, I am exotic enough to be interesting, but White enough to be non-threatening. My position in Sarawak has meant that I get entrusted with information, for my research. To tell the world, as the farmers I have worked with understand that I can tell their stories to audiences they don’t have access to.
I do get frustrated in regard to my name. As a child in Sarawak I was known by Sulan (which is my Iban name), as much as I was known by Anna. Although on my birth certificate Sulan is my middle name, for me they are of equal value as my first name. I’ve always seen my first name as Anna Sulan (in day to day life I prefer ‘Anna’ as it’s easier to say, quickly). Most people assume that my last name is Sulan Masing, because, I think, they see two ‘foreign’ names, and assume that that must be my last name. I get it, but it frustrates me that I can’t have both my identities as my name. My British passport has Anna Sulan as my first name, and I love that.
I connect most to my cultures through food, but also as a teenager western music was how I build a tribe, it was so important to me. I have visited both of my native countries; my PhD was basically an exploration to understanding me. I am a journalist working around food, drink and culture means I have been lucky enough to be able to go back to Malaysia and write about it. I hope that I can go back to NZ and do the same.
I found NZ very hard, so left at 20, to live in London, and now I have been in London for almost 20 years. It’s the place I feel most at home, as everyone from London is from somewhere else.
I think having children will be the big changer. I am likely to have children that pass as White, and I think that will be very difficult for me. I don’t know how my Mother felt about having children that didn’t look like her (we do look like her, but under SE Asian features, so not at first glance).
The older I get the more strongly I feel about my name being correct. I have learnt that I don’t have to compromise who I am for others. Growing up I tried to make my identity as easy as possible for people to understand. I know now that I don’t need to do that. they can learn about me. I am allowed to be complicated.
I am lucky that I work within a very progressive side of journalism and media! But, in a wider sense, I don’t have a place in mainstream media. It is so White, straight and middle class. Mainstream media has no interest in offering me a place, because it would take a little bit of work to find a way for my voice to be relevant to their perceived audience. But the places I do write for, they are happy to just accept my voices and thoughts as they are and are happy to work a little harder (first time around) to get it right. I don’t think it’s conscious, I just think they are younger, more used to a range of ideas. But, every single one of my editors (I’m freelance) is a White male (as lovely as they are!). I do occasionally have White women who commission me.
If I had the opportunity to be reborn I would return as I am. The journey to understanding myself and the complications of power and privilege have been important, empowering and, I hope, have made me try to create a better world.