Guyanese | Gibraltarian
In collaboration with Loughborough University
I identify as a Guyanese Gibraltarian woman. I'm an atheist and have chronic illness. My Mum is from Guyana, and my Dad is from Gibraltar. They met at the University of Essex where they both studied
My Mum shared how she had to adapt to living in Gibraltar after having lived in Guyana and London growing up; she moved to Gibraltar when she married my Dad. My parents also discussed how my Dad was the first White (and non-Guyanese) partner introduced to my Mum's family, and my Mum was the first Brown woman introduced to my Dad's parents. I took away the complexities of being interracial couples, but knowing how accepting and understanding my parents are of it.
I was born and grew up in Gibraltar so I have a much closer understanding of that side, however, I'm very visibly Brown so was never truly accepted by many as authentically Gibraltarian. I found balance by having many conversations with my Mum about this, especially as she experiences being othered too. In my adulthood I began to educate myself more about my Indo-Caribbean heritage. I always felt like the odd one out in school, and people would very openly other me. Growing up somewhere predominantly White, my understanding of my own identity was negatively shaped by comments and ignorance of others. This changed dramatically when I moved to London as an adult and began to embrace and understand my identity a lot more. It's only really in my late 20s that I had a much stronger sense of identity.
A lot of my childhood felt like this. Being able to talk to other mixed-race and Brown people (mostly my Mum back then) helped, as did seeing representation of Black and Brown people in the media around me. When I feel any isolation now I have close friends who are people of colour that I can have conversations with.
One of the biggest challenges was understanding what my identity is. I was racialised as Black by children growing up, and even today people find me racially ambiguous and make assumptions. It's made me confused about myself, and sometimes it's made me feel unsafe. Once in middle school I came back to class after lunch where there was a lunchtime club and someone wrote the words ‘Black girl’ on my bag. It frightened me because I suddenly felt like an isolated target. I was 11 so instead of telling anyone I just crossed it off and kept it to myself, never sharing that until I was an adult. It also only caused further confusion when learning that as I don't have African heritage I am not Black even though I had many experiences of facing racism as a Black target.
Your understanding of who you are is a lot more informed than those who don't know you, especially those who are White. Sometimes I'm vague about it because a lot of the time people get confused by my background or have never heard of Guyana nor Gibraltar. If they don't have to explain themselves to me, why should I have to explain myself to them?
I would say my Mum is my role model. She faced colourism all of her life as a darker woman of Indian heritage, and faced immense racism when she moved to London as a child, and then to Gibraltar as an adult. She's given me so much knowledge and pride in our identity as Guyanese women, and always inspires so much strength in me. She's a very resilient woman.
I have been referred to as 'exotic', 'ambiguous', 'mutt', 'the Black girl' or '[name]'s Black friend', 'afro', 'ugly'. These terms have been used by people I know as well as strangers. a lot of these dehumanised me, and made me feel reduced and scared. Some of them have impacted my confidence and also made me feel men would always find White women, and light skin women of colour more attractive than me.
From being a young child I always admired Black men and women as I saw myself as belonging when I would see them in the media. Many of my role models growing up were Black, and now many incredible Black academics inspire and shape my research and work.
If I could choose three aspects of my culture to put into a time box I would say my Guyanese resilience, my Mediterranean palette, and my reflective mind from being a mixed-race woman
Only a few people know of my heritage, and they are not on my campus. I'm inspired by mixed-race researchers, especially my friend who is vocal about representation of the mixed-race experience. That's about it though, and as I'm racially ambiguous I provided my supervisors with context of my background during an early meeting as my work focuses on racial identity.
I want to make sure I cook foods from both cultures, as well as sharing cultural stories and traditions with friends and family; wearing traditional garb such as sarees to formal occasions (which I've only started in the last year), and using words/slang from both cultures too.