English/Welsh | Bajan
Both my parents were born in the UK; my Mum is English/Welsh and my Dad is of Bajan heritage. My parents separated when I was very young and I didn't know my Dad so I don't have much information about their relationship other than a few anecdotes my Mum offered me. They met in the late 80s/early 90s and I remember, she would tell stories about them being perceived as an interracial couple. I remember my Mum telling me that they were seen as a ‘rarity’ when visiting the States in 1991 compared to the UK and were often commented upon throughout their trip.
I was brought up by a single Mother and my Grandparents, and the White/British side of my family. I was incredibly loved but I also felt incredibly out of place (even now), even though I was so young and did not fully understand why I had different features to my Mum. Why my hair was different, why I was built differently, and why my skin was a different colour to the people who brought me up with no one to compare to. It was also a sensitive topic so it wasn’t something I ever really felt I could ask about until I started to understand what it was I was asking.
I am the only one on my Mum’s side of the family who is mixed so I feel like I grew up feeling culturally isolated, especially with an incredibly one-sided upbringing. Occasionally in family gatherings where I look around the table, I look like an outsider, and to someone looking in, I could well be until you see us interacting and realise I have inherited all my Mum’s gestures and mannerisms. I missed out on the food elements of my culture which is a big one, especially when I speak with other mixed people who grew up with both. I feel out of the loop with myself not knowing or understanding an entire side of myself which is often quite challenging to navigate on a daily basis.
For me, it's more about not finding anywhere I fit in. I’m quite light skinned so I’ve always felt I sit on the outside in every respect, and don’t really tick any kind of box when it comes to my heritage. I don’t look White enough, I don’t look mixed enough and I don’t look Black enough. Where will I feel like I am enough? I still feel like this now and that I'm constantly having to justify myself. Some people are more gracious and understanding about it than others. I’m definitely in the midst of an identity crisis but I do feel like I’m slowly coming out the other side of it and starting to have those conversations with the people around me.
I’m glad now I can have more open conversations about where I came from with my Mum. I’ve leaned more into my heritage as an adult, my Mum handed down some books that belonged to my Dad, it was how he explored his own heritage and culture and I’ve seeked comfort in reading a few books and articles about the ‘mixed’ experience in the UK, including this platform!
I am constantly asked, ‘where are you from?’ I usually answer I’m from Bristol, fully knowing what was actually being asked, ‘no, but where are you from from?’ A frequent conversation I would have especially when I was younger, and never really knowing how to respond to it, particularly as I am incredibly light skinned and people not always understanding me and insisting I was Italian, Spanish or Greek. I didn’t fully embrace my identity and heritage until I was much older which I am so upset with myself about. I have a (half) sister who is 9 years younger than me. We have the same Mum, I used to struggle with the questions that arose when she was born while I was still young; ‘why have you got darker skin and curly hair? Why has your sister got Blonde hair and Blue eyes?’ It bothers me less these days but when I was 9 it just highlighted how I stood out to the rest of my family. I was always so ashamed of my hair and how it looked so different to my friend’s and so I used to wear it up all the time and would try to blend in as much as I could. I appreciate it’s a hard job to bring up a child by yourself but it meant I don’t really know much about half of my heritage/culture.
I spent most of my teenage years and early twenties being called exotic, dark and mysterious, ‘interesting looking’, you name it. I didn’t realise for a long time that these were microaggressions. I didn’t really think I thought much of it at the time, someone once told me I could pass from anywhere in the world. It doesn’t bother me, I don’t get these comments as much these days as I think more people are understanding that these comments wouldn’t pass as much now.
I didn’t try any Caribbean food until my teens or go to an appropriate hairdresser until my twenties and I am quite resentful about that, and feel like I am making up for it now as an adult. I felt quite safe at school as I attended quite a diverse and multicultural school, however I did a lot of extra curricular activities and this was where I experienced the most microaggressions from adults and peers regarding how I looked. Looking back, I didn’t realise it at the time, but it has now left me feeling quite upset that I didn’t know how to handle comments or people handling and touching my hair or comparing me to others in the space.
Exploring identity is such a complicated thing and that’s okay to remember that. I think it’s important to be proud of your heritage and what it has blessed you with and to embrace every aspect if and when you can and want to. It can be a hard journey of self discovery so love every aspect you uncover and explore at your own pace. You are you, you are already your established self and that’s enough.
Filling out any kind of equal opportunities form was always a mini existential crisis up until my early twenties. I always felt like I was doing a disservice to those who brought me up but also clinging onto the reasons I looked the way I was, especially at a time of low self esteem. As an adult in my late twenties I feel more assured of myself and who I am now so it’s always a bit cringe to think back to when I used to question it.
I didn’t have any major role models growing up and didn’t really see myself presented in the media to aspire too. I have so much respect for my Mum, we don’t always see eye to eye but she’s been consistent in my life and has been so open to answering any questions about what she can offer about my heritage. She’s also not held me back in any aspects of my life, brought up two children by herself so if I can be seen to be as strong as her, I’ll be just fine.
I’ve been lucky enough to have travelled a lot, and attended quite a diverse school so I’ve been surrounded by so many different cultures. My favourite thing that connects all cultures is the love of food and how each culture has their own ritual when it comes to food and I love that this is something that unites us across the world.
I work in the theatre industry and changes are slowly being made where I feel more represented than I have done previously. Don’t get me wrong, we are leaps and bounds away from where we need to be but things are slowly getting there. I certainly don’t feel ‘othered’ in my current workplace like I have done previously and more stories by artists of mixed heritage are being platformed and performed so it’s getting there and I love coming away from those stories and watching those shows where I can relate to the person and the story.