English | St. Kitts/Nevis
There is so much beauty in the opportunity to blend different cultures and the things we can learn and share are wonderful. Something that should be shared with everyone we come into contact with, especially in love and friendships. My truth is that I don’t strongly identify as anything; I would never refer to myself as Black, or White, and I think I have only just started to really feel at one with ‘mixed-race’. When I hang out with my White family and friends I scan every room to check to see if there’s anyone else in there that I can identify with, more often than not there isn’t. It is so much easier in London, but when my Mums family are in Yorkshire and my Step Dads in Winchester, it's pretty different! When I hang out with my Black friends I feel like I don’t fit there either - it’s really hard!
I would say I am more spiritual than religious, but not spiritual enough to refer to myself as it. I’m guided by happiness and harmony, (that's probably the Libra in me)! I am culturally aware and accepting of all but I don’t have any exceptional beliefs that I stand by.
The older I get and the more people I meet the more I realise that sexuality is a spectrum, some people really identify as gay and some really identify as straight. I would call myself straight as I have always dated men and I’m very much in love with a man.
My Mum is from Yorkshire, England, and my Father is from St Kitts and Nevis, his family moved across to the UK a few generations before he was born I am unsure of where they originated form before this (I have just sent off for my Ancestry DNA so hopefully that answers some questions!). My parents met somewhere between Leeds and York (I believe) in a fast food restaurant where my Mum worked, and my Father frequented - he kept turning up until she finally agreed to go on a date with him!
I think ‘recognising’ being mixed-race is a question that doesn’t have a final answer to me. There is the obvious visual recognition that came from a young age; my Mum once told me a story of me in the bath when I was younger, trying to scrub my skin to become ‘White like her’, young me thinking I was dirty and had to get clean. This really is just recognition of being different and as sad as that story is when you’re 24 and looking back, the innocence and/or honest ignorance to the world is cute. My Mum did such a good job and I know she was aware of how the world might be a little different for me. I remember, my first doll wasn't a baby Annabelle, she got me a Black baby doll. I was pissed off naturally because all my friends had the same little Baby Annabelle’s but mine was special. More special now I am older, it’s something that you wouldn’t think about but presenting that to me was so important. Black and minority groups just aren't represented in pop culture at all. The base standard for characters in TV shows and magazines back when I was younger were White. It’s what people were used to seeing. I can see the shift happening, but we need to get away from having ‘token Blacks’ and ‘token Asians’, that’s almost more damaging than not having us at all! The more you see things that aren't ‘your norm’ the more your subconscious accepts and can appreciate diversity for all that it is.
It’s a hard balance between how much ‘educating’ on being mixed-race is damaging to the natural development of the young (nothing is worse than historic views taking precedence over the ever changing world we live in - to survive we must be progressive), or how little harms them by not arming them with the tools they need to succeed and/or be ready to stand their own and defend themselves.
I still recognise that I am mixed-race today, some situations you find yourself in as a young mixed-race woman means you have to recognise how things are changing, how things haven’t changed enough, and areas where you can educate others. There's so much learning to do!
I was fortunate enough to spend 9 years of my life in Dubai. I attended a very large International school in total it had around 150 different nationalities under one roof. My dual heritage wasn’t something that I thought about until I moved to England for university. Being surrounded by so many different nationalities and cultures stopped me from identifying as anything. When one of your best friends is from Quebec and the other is from Egypt and 11-year-old you came from a small little town near Leeds, the world feels so much smaller. I loved every second of being in that school, it probably gave me a false representation of how kind the world would be. In the circles I was in I truly don't think the word ‘racist’ was a thing, I don't recall anyone ever making someone feel bad for being unique, everyone came together it was beautiful. In hindsight this might have halted my whole ‘mixed-race woman experience’ I’m here eager to learn so it can’t have been all bad.
I think anyone from a minority group, whether that’s because of race/sexual orientation/sexual identity has always experienced ‘challenges’. Some of these are quite clearly because of our identity and I think sometimes as members of minority groups we subconsciously project the minority status onto an experience to try and justify mistreatment/differentiation from others. This is something I definitely caught myself doing when I was growing up, I don’t think this way anymore thankfully, it's no way to live and has just as negative repercussions. I have been a victim of stereotyping, often actually – I think being ‘mixed’ means people think they can crack ‘Black jokes’ with me like it doesn’t mean anything. To me, because I am still on this journey of understanding myself, my heritage and what it means to me – these jokes, are immediately incredibly inappropriate. I know some people who identify as mixed wouldn't have a problem with this though - and part of that makes it feel to me like it's my hurdle I need to get over.
I have had uncomfortable comments made by people who claimed to love me, these were things I struggled with and to be honest, still do. ‘you’d be prettier if you were Whiter’ was a comment that particularly sticks with me, and because of it I went 2 shades lighter with my foundation to try and impress an ignorant boy. Thinking about this now makes me sick and I wouldn’t stand for it, all the mixed raced people out there will know how hard it is to choose the right shade of foundation anyway so please take a second to imagine how ridiculous I looked 2 shades lighter (when in actual fact it did not match even if you stood on your head in a dark room and closed one eye.) Moments like this, or some less obtuse ones made me feel so uncomfortable in my own skin. I now have had to start identifying times where I feel challenged by others and rather than feeling less for being me I try and use them as opportunities to teach. People who make me think about the colour of my skin in a way that really sticks out to me (even when fetishising the whole mixed-race group) – these are the people I can do without.
My friendship group is incredibly diverse and a lot of my friends/people in my life are third culture kids which I think helps feel a bit more safe in the big London bubble.
When choosing partners, for me it's important to be with someone who you can be yourself with, who appreciates who you are and supports your journey. Being with someone who is eager to learn all there is to learn is important, I am at a stage in my life now where I make the time and devote some of my energy to understanding my past and the thought of having to carve a path for potential future children of mine who might suffer is something that I think about. How can I educate and guide my kids if me and/or my partner aren’t aware of the wider picture. Not just in our lives or lifetime, but what came before too. I think we need to be comfortable accepting the past and thinking of ways to help those that can’t accept it feel comfortable moving forwards. I do just love, love though, I don’t even wear my heart on my sleeve anymore I literally walk around with it ready to throw in people’s faces.
I will eat and listen to everything and I think that it confuses people when I can have a day raving about how much I love Green Day and then the next I am just as obsessed with Frank Ocean or Miley Cyrus. Food and music are my favourite things; I listen to music all the time and when I’m not thinking about anything, I’m thinking about food. These are 2 things that made me incredibly happy – my taste in both is super diverse and I love listening to/trying new things! Picking countries to go on holiday to is heavily linked to local cuisine!
I can't speak any other languages and it really bothers me because so many of my friends speak multiple languages. I wish I could, my brain isn’t wired that way, even my British stepdad is fluent in Italian and his oldest son speaks Arabic. I always feel a little more at home when I hear someone speaking Arabic, I spent 2 weeks in Egypt with my best friend about 8 years ago and I feel like I picked it up - obviously I can't speak a word of it now but whenever I hear someone speaking Egyptian Arabic my heart fills up a little more.
My fashion sense is ever-changing, the older I become the more I dress for me and not for trends although I do have a few women I idolise on social media, they sometimes inspire me to dress a certain way. I like clothes that represent how I feel and on a good day speak to the world how I would like to feel on a bad day.
I spent a long time chemically straightening it and using extensions and hair straighteners. I actually liked how it looked and got so used to it that it became me. Moving to England made me lazy to be perfectly honest and it's very expensive to maintain; I committed to growing it out. I haven't touched a hair straightener since 2016 which I think is pretty good going!. I do dye it blonde, I like the idea of a big white/golden afro. I am slowly starting to realise that it doesn't grow the way I want it to so I might have to say bye to bleaching it, not sure if I am ready for this next step on my natural hair journey. I love/hate my hair and that feeling changes like the wind. Some days I feel confident and unstoppable and sometimes I just want to put a plastic bag on it and never look at it again. Also massive pet peeve is people thinking they can touch it. Why does this happen? And since when is it ok to invade someone's space to pat you on the head or pull out your curls? Are you mixed-race/natural haired if you haven’t debated shaving it all off multiple times a month?! Its trial and error, so I am always open to product recommendations please (true story, anyone reading this, please please please help me)!
I think being mixed-race makes for a good conversation starter - people who are genuinely curious and ask you where you’re from. From a fully vain lens; until the age of 22 I had fantastic genetics, I could eat whatever I wanted and it wouldn't show, I am still living in this dream world, the truth is I am older now and the weight stays - it does drop off when I exercise, I once got a cough for 2 weeks and had a legitimate 4 pack. I owe that to my Father, as I remember him always being in ridiculously good shape and having the same eternal love for food.
The world is a big place, there’s a lot going on and a lot of suffering. I am incredibly privileged as I have a loving family, a good job, great friends, a wonderful partner and I am very happy so I just get on with it, show up and try my best, being your authentic self in a world like ours is the only true way to ‘blend in’ with society. We need to celebrate being unique by not conforming to society's expectations.
I almost think that I intentionally steer clear from things people would expect me to listen to as a mixed-race woman. When I was 16 I was obsessed with Drake, and I mean obsessed. When I graduated 6th form and we had prom my name was ‘Miss Olivia Drake Graham’ it’s so sad (biggest cringe moment ever) but he was my favourite. I don’t listen to him anymore even though everyone I come into contact with is a massive Drake fan. Same with the likes of Nicki Minaj - typing this out makes me realise how strange it actually is. Something to think about I guess!
This is a horrible thing to say and I would be interested to know if anyone feels the same, but I sometimes feel like being mixed-race gives me a couple extra points in job interviews. In this day and age there are actual quotas that companies have to meet to show that they’re ethnically diverse and the lack of BAME individuals within industries is shockingly low. I am good at my job and I am a good communicator, but I do sometimes feel like I am ticking a box.
Work is tricky because you often become good friends with your colleagues, sometimes the occasional subtly offensive remark is made, not necessarily directed at me - it's tough to stand up and call people out on their actions when they have no idea on the impact it will have on others.
I learnt in a diversity and inclusion training session the quote that made me stop in my tracks and re-evaluate how I communicate with anyone which is; Impact over Intention. If you say something to someone and you cause upset or offence, you cannot justify your behaviour with ‘Oh I didn’t mean it’ or ‘Oh you know I’m kidding’. It is such a simple concept, but people need to wise up and really think about how they make others feel with some of the small things they say.
If I were to be born again I would like to return exactly the same - only with longer and healthier hair! I am proud of what I am and what it stands for and I am proud of my Mum who is still raising me to care more about kindness and love than anything else, I think that what she teaches me makes me more me than where I’m from or what I identify as.