English/Welsh | Indian
My Mum is from Kenya, with Gujarati heritage. My Dad's parents are from Wales and England, but was raised in England. They met in New York, in a queue for an airport bus at the Empire State Building.
I think I've moved about 25 times. One which felt challenging at the time was when I moved to the Netherlands with my Mum and then Stepdad. Earlier that academic year, I'd already moved school once because of racism. My first high school was in a district where the BNP was popular. I moved to another highschool and then to a third school in Eindhoven. It was an international school and I hated the fact that we moved at first. I was 13 at the time but then for the first time and it was a small international school. I'm so grateful for that time because I think it was when I first felt comfortable being my authentic self. Everyone had been uprooted in a sense but we all made friends for life. I think I've got quite good at moving, in the sense of throwing myself into things and I guess it makes you resilient.
I think for a long time I hid my Indian heritage. It wasn't really until university that I felt like I was able to embrace it more. I remember being teased for Asian features like the thick dark hair, now the same people in school seem to be really embracing the same brows and hair that they used to tease me for! I also sometimes hid the fact I am half Indian from other Indian people when I was younger, out of fear of not knowing enough, not being enough. I don't speak Gujarati fluently and I think this used to make me feel perhaps unworthy of celebrating my Indian heritage.
Half-caste. This is one I used to describe myself as in school until I learnt it was a derogatory term. A couple of years ago whilst working as an advocate, a care home manager asked me if I was half-caste. They themselves were of Asian heritage and I think in this context, I felt sad that this was a term people had internalized. I know in this context it was said with curiosity, however there have been occasions when it's been used in an intentionally derogatory way.
Sometimes people I don't know would just ask 'Are you half?' or the classic 'What are you?' and it's generally people I don't know. Once I was in the library at uni at some silly hour and someone came up to me and said 'what are you mixed with?'. I think my response was 'stress and deadlines mate, what about you?'
I feel grateful now, for being who I am. I appreciate how family oriented the Asian side of my family is and feel this is something I will continue. I think something important to mention is that I acknowledge the relative privilege of appearing ambiguous. What I mean by this is sometimes it is hard to place where I am from, and with a Western first name, I think I avoid certain discrimination that others might face. This is something that I think about a lot.
My role model is my Grandma, although as I write this, I feel admiration for all the women in my family. My maternal Grandma was one of 7 daughters, raised in Nairobi and moved to Bradford with 2 young children and £50. She looked after me a lot. She was fiercely independent and taught herself so many things. She had a successful sewing machine business in the city. I've written a lot of poetry about her and if ever I am feeling unsure, I think 'What would Champa do?'.
I feel like all the women in my family are incredibly creative. My cousins are like my sister's and I really admire how they see the world and how kind and genuine they are. My Mum loves scuba diving, super cars and importantly breaking stereotypes! I also have a wonderful Stepmother and stepsisters who have always embraced me and encouraged me to aim high. I guess they're all role models and I wouldn't be who I am if it weren't for the guidance of all of them. Both sides I feel have been interested in teaching me more about their culture through stories and food.
My Indian family uses my Indian first name, and my English family and everyone else use my English name. I actually don't mind but sometimes when I enter a new place or situation, I don't know what to call myself!
I felt like instead of having the understanding of both cultures, I didn't really understand either that well outside of the home and just felt a bit lost. I had, and still have a best friend who is also mixed-race and I feel like we worked things out together and still do. We could laugh and cry at our sometimes similar experiences. It wasn't until I was older, once I got to university really. I feel like in general it's much more common in today's society but there is still stigma and even fetishization of being mixed-race.
Our immediate family all moved from Kenya together and most of my Dad's family is in the UK, so I don't tend to travel that much to see family. My Mum stayed in Holland when I moved back to England to study, so I did travel to see her quite a lot during those years.
One thing I've noticed over the years is that colleagues tend to recognize one half as a whole. sometimes it's either side, maybe it's the 'side' they resonate with the most. I don't think mixed-race people are represented that much and I often wonder if other people feel the same, in that maybe management and other colleagues may subconsciously choose which aspect of a person they acknowledge and connect with.
I'd say I don't follow many traditions, but from the Indian side I guess it's more about the food, the home, the enormous blanket every home has with the flower or the tiger. I think my culture stays with me in the way I interact and respect others and in the way I value and prioritize things. I like cooking the food I grew up with, which was primarily Gujarati food, it's how I can connect with my culture.
My Grandma was a big reader and I kept a bunch of her old books. They have the most beautifully illustrated covers. I want to learn to read Gujarati one day so I can read more and feel closer to our culture.
I often look at Mixedracefaces when I feel a bit lost and find it grounding and reassuring and I feel grateful to be part of it.
The last time I cried was listening to a friend tell me about their childhood and some of the struggles they faced, and how they are stronger for it. I cried because I was proud of them and how much they'd achieved. I cry all the time though! When I'm happy, upset or overwhelmed, and if I see other people crying!