English | Jamaican
I think wearing masks makes up a large part of my identity and it's only something I've recently begun to unpack. Being mixed-race and appearing as almost black, it's impossible to hide that part of my identity (whatever that really means) with society. But I probably adapt my personality to suit the group I'm in at the time. Fitting in is something that's always on the periphery, no matter how subconscious it is.
I'm not sure I realised how different I was until the latter years of my life. Being a minority is always extra work unfortunately. My connection with my family isn't as strong as it could be in terms of identity. I think I'm beginning to realise that it's because there's no one in my immediate family that looks like me. No one else treads the same line.
There are some slight perks in being different from the masses; you stand out a bit, perhaps people want to take a chance getting to know you.. you're maybe noticed? On the other hand, there's a sort of constant, underlying fear of being noticed for the wrong reasons. During that job interview, walking behind an older person on the street and not wanting to scare them, encountering a group of men in the pub, never putting hands in your pockets in the supermarket etc. It can be tiring.
I'm a teacher so you encounter a lot of staff throughout different institutions. In some previous jobs, I've mostly been seen as mixed-race by the black staff and mostly seen as black by the white staff. I've worked in places where my bosses haven't even recognised me as black or mixed-race from some of the comments they made. It's very much a white, middle-class dominated profession, the majority of the brown people there are support staff or cleaners. It can be hierarchical. My Mum always taught me I had to work extra harder to get anywhere when I was young, and it took me a long time to recognise why.
I sometimes like to remember that 'race' itself is a construct with a deep-seated history in creating division. It's sort of meaningless. I think a much more interesting way of discovering people is probably the where and when they're from, rather than their physical attributes. Born in the mid 80s in south London says so much more about me than my overall nationality or skin tone.
I'm very proud to have two fairly distinct cultures to call upon and, despite of some of the more obvious hardships, I honestly would never change it. It's all I know. I'm blessed to come from a place of love.