English | Malaysian Chinese - Enrichment Student @ The Alan Turing Institute
I identify as a Cisgender Female (she/her), Bisexual, third culture kid (US, UK, Malaysia/China). My parents met during their undergraduate degree, they were in the same course. My family is scattered all over the world. Visiting my extended family, learning about their lives, and meeting the people they know has defined much of my identity.
I have had negative experiences due to my background, but I prefer to only mention or dwell on those that were due to unconscious bias. Many times, the person causing the discrimination had no malicious intent. They frequently do not realise they had caused offence until I told them how it made me feel. It is similar to being a woman in a STEM field.
Maybe it is simply because I train models/algorithms/computer programs to process, interpret, and make insights about data that I give them. I consider its ‘learning’ process in much of the same feedback loop. I take some action in the world and the world sends back some signals from my action (positive/neutral/negative), from which I learn how to strengthen certain behaviours or change particular actions in the future. If we do not continue to provide feedback to those around us, it will be difficult to discourage offensive or discriminatory actions taken by others.
Something I have only really overcome recently is accepting that I am never ‘fully’ one thing or another. For instance, when I find myself as the only Asian person in a group, I become the ‘token Asian’ who explains what various Asian foods are or defines an Asian/foreign perspective (which I love, but it can feel separating/differentiating). When I find myself as the only White person in a group with Asian friends it feels very similar, as if I could not understand the activity or opinions of them because I’m not fully Asian.
Now I have mostly accepted this aspect of myself, to the extent that I chose the same environment in my career: blending cyber security with machine learning/data science. I empower the defences of our personal machines and computer networks to keep us safe with state-of-the-art techniques. When I attend conferences that target security, I must explain how my models and techniques enable desirable capabilities. When presenting to data scientists, I must provide more context on the digital dangers they might not realise are there and the rich amount of highly structured data that is available in this area.
As a third culture kid, I never felt I fully belonged in any single place. One could say I overcame this ‘incompleteness’ by becoming a researcher. I love learning about the world, especially from people. Because of this, I question everything to learn as much as possible, as quickly as possible. Then I can share my own unique perspective with those around me with more grounded reasoning. Now I have mostly accepted this aspect of myself as it seeps into almost everything I do. I even chose the same environment for my career: blending cyber security and machine learning.
As I figure out my likes and dislikes, the feeling of being ‘never fully anything’ sits further in the background by accepting more of myself. I have things I am passionate about: anime/manga, fantasy books, cyber security, analysing massive quantities of data, volunteering with the vaccination effort, dragon boating/outrigger canoeing, running, going to the theatre, and playing Dungeons and Dragons (to name a few). I dislike jump scares and how foods that I am allergic to are delicious.
Like many things, this feeling is never going to entirely disappear, but I learn the most from everything around me and accepting myself. Be yourself. You are unique in your experiences. Be who you want to be and share it with the world. Yes, but largely just for fun! It is curious when a stranger stares at me for a minute before coming up to mention they have a mixed-race friend or relative and that I ‘look just like them!’. They usually start guessing my mix which is kind of fun to hear.
I have MANY role models: my family, my mentors, my supervisors, the (now) professors that introduced me to research in undergrad, my friends, colleagues from both industry and academia. Their intelligence, kindness, and seemingly infinite patience always inspires me. The one amazing, multiracial woman I would like to mention in this article is Vanessa Mae who is one of the first mixed-race celebrities I ever found. I had started playing violin and my Mum found an album of hers in the local shop. With her stunning looks and ability to take the classical violin into the electric world of rock and roll, she literally rocked my world! If I had not heard her music, I would have likely given up violin many years ago instead of continuing today. She taught me to enjoy what I want to do and to celebrate my diversity.
My Mum still reminds me to this day how I used to tell everyone I was a ‘swirly’ before she would have to prevent me from telling every stranger my whole family history. Proud or pretending to be proud would be more accurate. There is always some longing to fit in more with a certain audience. Today, society celebrates uniqueness more. This gives us more opportunities to be proud of all the characteristics that make us unique.
My immediate family is the only portion that lives in the States, where I was born and raised. Otherwise, we are spread across the UK, Malaysia, Singapore, New Zealand, and Australia. It is lonely at times when I would see my friends gather with all their extended family for holidays. But it also meant I had a different ‘holiday’ to my friends (e.g. not Disney world or a beach house) since it meant I would see my extended family again! I threw a tantrum when I was a teenager to go elsewhere, but looking back now, these are the trips I really treasure.
I only really noticed a lack of Asian-White people when I was in the States. London is immensely cosmopolitan, so I am fascinated by everyone around me that I do not notice! Amongst my diverse, international friends in London, I did manage to meet another half-Malaysian, half-British student in my department with whom I felt an instant familiarity. It made being abroad in a new city feel a bit more like home.
My Mum encouraged many traditions in our family. As kids, we served tea to our parents during Chinese Lunar New Year. We sit at a low table to eat dinner together as a family. The dishes are in the centre, and we all serve ourselves from them. We are given a coming-of-age present at 21 from our Grandmother. These are just a few of the important traditions in my family. I am sure there are many more that have been such a part of my life that they feel normal!