English | Malawian
I identify as mixed-race; Black African and White British and spiritual. I am also bisexual. My Mum is from Cumbria, England and my Dad is from Malawi. They met at a nightclub in London.
My Dad passed away unexpectedly in October 2019, I was actually in Malawi at the time for my cousins wedding. He died in England and when I found out I was devastated, confused and in utter shock. It was so strange as all of his family were looking to me for answers, they wanted to know why, what had happened? Of course, I didn't even know, I was just as stunned and inconsolable. Losing him made me feel like I had lost that part of me. You're not just grieving your parent; you are grieving the conversations that you'll never be able to have with them. So many things I feel were left unspoken and unexplored. It's really complex grief. I wish I could talk to my Dad one last time and ask him all the questions I have. I really want to know and understand what it was like for him when he first moved to the UK? How did he feel moving to rural North West England and how did he adapt? It's hard because my Mum is severely unwell so I actually can't have those conversations with her either. I think in a way the loss of my parents has really impacted my identity and often I do struggle to remember who I am. It's like there's a disconnect. I haven't been back to Malawi since my Dad passed; I had planned a trip for late 2020 but covid said otherwise. I stay in contact with my Malawian family as much as I can as it definitely helps me feel connected to him and my Malawian culture. I know I can hear stories about him through them if I ask. As soon as restrictions ease, I'll be planning a trip back to Malawi which I think will be healing for me.
I grew up eating a wide variety of foods as both of my parents were trained chefs. My Dad would make biriyanis, chapatis and fried chicken. A lot of his food was influenced by his time spent in Tanzania. My Mum would make us roast dinners, fish n chips and bake flapjacks/cakes. She was a punk back in her youth but growing up she'd blast Blondie, Texas and Shakira. My Dad loved all genres of music and would play everything from Bob Marley, Black Eyed Peas and Prodigy.
Growing up we went to Church on a Sunday, myself and my siblings were all Christened. I believe this came from my Dad as his side of the family are religious. As a family we went on trips to Malawi which helped me understand my culture. Sadly I never learnt the language although my Dad would always speak it on the phone with his family.
When I was younger I used to believe I was Black because of all the racism I experienced where I grew up back home. So it's not that I hide my White side. I just didn't notice it properly until I moved away and came to London. I think I definitely went by whatever others would put on me. 'Half cast' or 'lightie'. Now I definitely own my identity and don't let others define it for me. I am mixed-race and Black. Together. I've grown the confidence to define myself as I wish.
I love different cultures and I'm not sure I could be with someone that didn't have some sort of cultural upbringing. I think it helps you to be able to relate and connect. I think interracial relationships are a beautiful thing. I believe they can really celebrate two cultures coming together and meshing. I think it must have been difficult for my parents’ generation as it was definitely frowned upon. I believe that the world is a lot more accepting of interracial relationships nowadays. It's become more of a norm.
Positively I have really been able to explore my identity regarding my hair and African culture. It's been great to visit Malawi as an adult as I learnt so much more. Challenges have included not feeling like I fit in enough with either 'side'. However I'm learning to just accept that I am both and that is enough.
I have been to Malawi twice as an adult and loved it. Malawi is nicknamed 'The Warm Heart of Africa' as everyone is so friendly. The experience was great as I realised I can slow all the way down and just enjoy the food, music, weather and atmosphere. I definitely felt like I connected to the ancestors as well. I would describe myself as more spiritual than religious but there’s nothing like being grounded to your heritage.
In the media I think my ethnic background is becoming more represented. In particular more adverts are showing mixed families but I don't think I see myself represented in any senior positions at work or amongst educational institutes. I definitely don't have any Black or mixed managers or teachers ever. Which is a real problem and things do need to change from the top. I think the system overall needs to be broken down and built back up. To be honest I don't know if that will even happen in my lifetime as it's so complex. I think education would definitely help. If people can learn more about the history of racial inequality then people might understand and want to make a change. People don't want to change what they don't know, understand or see.
If I had the opportunity to be reborn I would like to return as I am. However maybe an experience of growing up in London or even Malawi as I think I'd feel like less of an outsider. But then again I would be a completely different person.
I am an actor & writer, I wrote a one-woman show titled 'Can I Touch Your Hair?' which explores hair, identity and growing up as an outsider. People can check it out on socials @cityh_ on Twitter & Instagram and ‘Can I Touch Your Hair?’ page on Facebook. I'm really proud of this show, it was a rollercoaster journey but I learnt so much about myself from performing it.
During the pandemic I am making sure I am being kind to myself. I'm still taking time out for myself, whether that be a long walk, yoga, meditation or reading a book. I also try to actually rest and not feel guilty for doing so.