English | Bajan - NHS Psychological Wellbeing Practitioner
I identify as mixed-race; half English and half Bajan. I'm proud of my ‘Blackness’ but don’t call myself black because that’s not acknowledging my White Mum. I wouldn’t be who I am without my Mum. I owe everything to her. My Mum is from England, born in Gillingham, Kent, and raised in Portsmouth. My Dad is from the parish of Saint James, Barbados. They met in Barbados when my Mum was on holiday there in the 1990s. My Mum was back in England and spent 6 months totally unaware that she was pregnant, an unexpected souvenir to say the least! I was estranged from my biological Father, the source of my Bajan heritage, until last year, at the age of 24. My Mum gave him a choice to be a part of my life, but I guess the situation was complicated. She lived in England and he lived in Barbados, so they were worlds apart (quite literally). And in all honesty, there was never any love between them. This means I've had very little exposure to Caribbean culture. But my Mum, a single parent for the most part, has always done her utmost to combine the two cultures. As she's a professional chef, this has primarily been through cooking West Indian food.
I was born and raised in Portsmouth, and then a small army town in Hampshire, by a single, White mother. My Mum met my White Stepdad when I was 8 or 9, and I have been incredibly fortunate to have his influence in my life; yet, the only family I've ever really known is White. This ‘Whiteness’ was also present throughout my school years; I was the only person on colour in nursery, and 99% of my peers and teachers at school were White. Embarrassingly, the most I knew about Black history not too long ago is what I learnt in school, and this is a Whitewashed curriculum.
My Mum also did her best to look after and maintain my natural Afro hair, even though she never knew how to properly deal with it (and why would she as a White person living in a White area). She would have to drive to Afro-Caribbean hair specialists, sometimes hours away, just to get my hair done. So for many years she made an honest attempt to cut my hair herself. My Mum couldn't even go to the nearest shop and buy shampoo or conditioner for my hair. I'm thankful that she has always embraced my natural hair, because for me, my hair is an important part of my identity, and my heritage. It’s a connection with Black culture that I never fully experienced as a child growing up in a predominantly White area.
My cultural background does affect how I choose my partner to a certain degree. I've been with my girlfriend for two and a half years. I didn't start dating her because I have a racial preference for White people, this is discriminatory and perpetuates racial stereotypes, but because she possesses the same cultural values as myself (as well as there being a million other reasons to love her). On the flip side, I could never date someone who has a certain 'type' or expresses their desire to have curly-haired 'caramel' babies, that's fetishisation. I wouldn't go so far to say I've hidden my identity, but I've frequently suppressed my 'Blackness' around my White peers because I was repeatedly told that I wasn't 'Black enough', or even worse, called an 'Oreo' - a racial slur for a Black person who 'acts White' and thus is referred to as 'Black on the outside, White on the inside'. This has resulted in me feeling like a 'racial imposter' at times, especially when I'm with Black people. At the age of 25 I'm at the start of a journey to reclaim my Blackness.
Even though being a mixed couple is a lot easier than my parents/grandparents generation, I don’t necessarily think people are more tolerant of interracial relationships. I am by no means a royalist, but you only have to look at the media treatment of Meghan Markle and Prince Harry, to see that Britain still has an issue with interracial relationships. It was evident from the criticism aimed at Meghan, that her racialised identity matters to people. And there is a fear from far-right political groups that intercultural couples, and young multicultural families, accordingly, pose a threat to the ‘British way of life’.
I have a complicated relationship with my racial identity. For some reason, I’ve never really thought about it until now, so I’m still trying to figure out who I am. I suppose the ‘disconnect’ with my racial identity partly comes from not knowing my biological Father. I think identity is a big thing when you don’t know a parent, especially when that parent is the person of colour. Having only recently come into contact with him, I don’t have any real connections to my Bajan heritage, but strangely, I have a strong connection to the place.
Growing up in a predominantly White area didn’t make things any easier. I’ve been told many times that I’m ‘too White’, and that there are White people who are ‘Blacker’ than me. I find it bizarre that there is a certain way to be Black – yet, for so long these entrenched racist stereotypes have gone unchallenged. Retrospectively, it’s no real surprise that I considered myself White growing up – even though physically I have Brown skin - because it was all I knew. And yet despite feeling like everything apart from the colour of my skin was White, confusingly, I knew I was different from everyone else, because my race is the first thing that people would see. This created a sense of ‘otherness’ that I never really understood until now. I was often asked, ‘where are you really from?’, or ‘are you adopted?’, which only contributed to feeling like an outsider.
But when I moved to London, I no longer felt like the odd one out, ‘the ugly duckling’. London is a cacophony of colours, and I’m a part of this beautiful rainbow. I’m still trying to find out where I belong in society, but I finally feel like I fit in. This sense of belonging has given me the space and confidence to start embracing my Blackness. I've never been ashamed of my White heritage, I love my Mums culture, but I’m learning to love being Black. I'm learning to embrace both sides of my mix. My mixed-race identity is a vital part of who I am. I think being mixed-race has strengthened my character, because standing out, especially in a White community, means you have to adapt and develop a heightened awareness of race. Being mixed-race, a ‘bridge’ between cultures, is beautiful. I wouldn’t change a thing.
Growing up I could see the influence of Barbados in my hair and skin colour, but beyond that the connection wasn’t there. But when I visited Barbados for the first time at 17, I had such a strong connection to the place and the people. I can’t explain it, but it felt like a home away from home. It was truly amazing to get a better understanding of a part of me that was shrouded in mystery. I've never felt any loss not knowing my biological Father, my Mum took on the role of both Mother and Father and she provided me with everything I could have needed growing up; but I do regret that I grew up with no connection to my Bajan heritage. When you don’t fully understand the parts that make you up, it's more difficult to understand your place in the world. For many years it felt as though a part of me was missing.
I'm so desperate to build a relationship with Barbados and the culture, as well as getting to know my ancestral roots. I'm planning on visiting Barbados again in the next couple of years, and hopefully this time I'll meet some family too, I’m really excited.
Society has a habit of trying to box you into one category or another, whether it be gender, religion, race, etc., and when you fall somewhere in between it can be really hard to fit in. I really dislike ethnicity boxes on forms because I'm expected to fit nicely into one category, but that’s impossible when you're mixed-race. I've continually been forced to pick sides; Black or White, but I don't want people to see me as one thing. I’m not Black. I’m not White. I’m both and neither. I’m proud of the pieces of the jigsaw that makes me who I am, and I’m no longer going to be forced to choose between them. Some things in life aren’t Black or White – just like human beings.
In light of the recent events surrounding the murder of George Floyd and the Black Lives Matter movement, my workplace has established an Equalities Group, aligned to the four staff networks (BAME, Ability, LGBTQ+, and Woman), in order to combat racial inequalities, and to help improve staff experience at work. Although this is a step in the right direction, nothing will change until the lack of Black representation in positions of power is addressed. When no one looks like you in positions of power, it's hard to envisage career progression. For too long, the burden of uprooting these racist systems has fallen heavily on Black people; it's time for White people to step up and take responsibility.
I'm saddened that it's taken a horrific tragedy to spark a worldwide movement against racism. But it’s so inspiring, energising, and heartening to see people of all races, backgrounds, and generations at the Black Lives Matter protests. I just really hope that people aren’t jumping on the bandwagon and posting Black squares on social media, as an act of performative allyship. Right now, I'm feeling quite tired, activism can be exhausting. I sometimes feel guilty for taking a rest day, but I try to remind myself of a quote by Audre Lorde: ‘Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare’.
I'm proud of my dual heritage and would always choose to be mixed-race if I was reborn, despite the emotional pain that racism has caused me. Being mixed-race is beautiful; we all have a beautiful history and rich experience, and that is something to be proud of. My mixed-race background puts me in a unique position because I can see things from both sides of the fence, and my hope is to use that to make a positive contribution to the world, no matter how small.
My girlfriend and I decided to get a new kitten, Suki, during the pandemic lockdown. Suki’s companionship has been a lifesaver. Just knowing she has no idea what’s going on in the outside world has definitely helped me let go of my worries. I didn’t realise just how much being a cat Dad would change my life for the better. Cat parenting aside, I've been keeping in touch with friends and family on social media. I've talked to my Mum on the phone every day since leaving home at 18 for university in London, but we started video calling each other in lockdown, and it’s a much nicer way to keep in touch. I can’t imagine going back to just a phone call now. I've also been trying to get as much sunlight and fresh air as I possibly can. Just going for a short walk makes a huge difference to my mental and physical wellbeing.