Dutch | Curaçaoan

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The first time I was asked ‘how do you identify?’ instead of ‘where are you from?’, it initially felt as if they added another task to my already long *find-out-where-I-belong* to-do list. But I came to realise that it did the exact opposite. It didn't add a task but it removed the task of trying to fit within some predefined box. It gave permission to listen to my own feelings rather than the expectations set by whomever, whenever. 

What I like about being mixed-race most is that it doesn't assume your identity as something fixed. Just as with other aspects of your character, also your relationship with your racial background will change over time shaped by your experiences and interactions. And just like nobody expects that your self-perception is similar at the age of 12 and 72, it makes absolute sense that also the relationship with your heritage evolves over time. Having this room to change, and to change your view on who you are and what it means to you based on lived experiences gives me a lot of peace and a sense of freedom. 

Of course, there will always be the simple answer which goes along the way of, ‘I'm born here and my parents were born here and there’, and that's it. But if that answer doesn't resonate with how you are feeling; what benefit does it have to describe yourself like that?

So for me, right now, the answer would be that I identify as a Black Dutch female, with roots both in the Netherlands and in the Caribbean. But feel free to ask me again in some time, I'm also curious about the experiences that await me and that, without a doubt, will further shape me.

My Mom is from Curacao. My Dad is from the Netherlands. My Dad was part of the Dutch Marine stationed at Curacao, and that is where he met my Mom. They have been together for 50 years now, and they are my absolute heroes. Because of them, I know what it feels like to love unconditionally, and they are both my role models in life!

My Mom moved to the Netherlands with my Dad when she was 17. My parents did share some stories and memories of her early experiences in the Netherlands (like differences in rhythm and the first time that she experienced Dutch food, ways of transportation and of course a Dutch winter), but the stories they told weren't so much about cultural differences. 

While my parents undoubtedly faced their own struggles at the time, what probably made them fortunate was the fact that my Father's family and friends were warm and welcoming to my Mom. Unfortunately, my Granddad passed away before I was born, so I never had the pleasure of meeting him. However, I understood from my Mom that they had a good relationship. Similarly, my Grandma on my Dad's side was an incredibly special person. She and my Mom also had a very loving relationship and I assume that their relationship transcended all the differences. My Grandma also visited Curacao many times so it has a special place in the hearts of all my family members, on both sides. 

I'm sure my Mom did experience challenges for many reasons when she moved to the Netherlands back in the day. But my Mom is also a strong woman who prefers to focus on the positives, so that isn't something that we talked about a lot.

Looking back, I probably felt close to both cultures while growing up. We visited Curacao regularly when I was younger and I absolutely loved to be there. My Grandma, my Mom's Mother, was also still alive back then and although I couldn't really speak Papiamento, I did know some words that allowed us to communicate. 

On the other side, the Netherlands is where I was born, where I grew up, and where I always lived. It's where I had all my firsts. All my friends. All my milestones. Dutch is the language in which I think, dream and hope. The Netherlands is where I feel at home because it is my home. 

So it is indeed fair to say that I do feel closer towards one part. Not being able to speak Papiamento has, in my opinion, also been an important reason why I started to feel a disconnect with Curacao as I grew older. During family gatherings, our conversations would always flow in a mix of Dutch, German, Papiamento, and English, as there is not a single language in which we could converse that everybody at the dining table could understand. Not being able to grasp the parts in Papiamento often frustrates me, as language is such a fundamental element of every type of connection. I've always asked myself how much a part I could really be of something that I couldn't even understand.

For a long time, I've asked myself if this is something I still want to pick up and learn. But it never felt like I would do it out of joy or for the right reasons. At this point, I feel I don't want to change who I am or what I can do to feel more comfortable, but I want to find ways to connect and be at ease using all the skills and capabilities that I already have. I believe this mindset also makes it easier for me to, perhaps along the way, pick up some more words or phrases, as it comes with less pressure.

I mostly remember being aware of my dark skin color while growing up. This probably makes sense because I grew up in a majority-White environment. So it would regularly happen that I would be the only dark-skinned person in a room. I remember quite vividly on multiple occasions going to swimming pools with kids' birthdays or trips with school and realizing that there were no other dark-skinned kids except for me. This feeling of being ‘different’ just made me self-aware of the way I looked and sensitive to the expectations that came, already from a very early age.

When growing up, I started to feel not White and Black but not White enough and not Black enough. Especially during my twenties, I was tired of feeling always and everywhere so hyper-aware of the fact that I was Black or different. It made me long for a place where I could just leave all the racial stuff behind and just be me.

It made a significant difference when I realized that my racial background isn't a checklist of criteria I need to adhere to. Because being mixed-race and having two separate lists with conflicting requirements, that per definition meant I was set up for failure. Now I realize that instead of criteria, there were options all along. Instead of boxes where I needed to fit myself in, they were little boxes with tools that I could use to build up my character, or that I could leave right where they are. It feels like I'm in a supermarket with all kinds of goodies and I can go shopping. Mixing and matching all the elements that I love about my heritage and just leaving everything that doesn't interest me at all. The funny thing is, on the outside, nothing changed. I'm doing the same stuff. Listening to the same music, I have the same passions, same food preferences, same clothing; all of that. But I just feel at peace instead of sometimes conflicted. I love it.

I feel I have access to both cultures as I'm fortunate enough to have both my parents by my side with whom I have a great relationship. If I wanted to and If I really prioritised it, I'm for instance one hundred percent sure that my Mom would try to help me to learn Papiamento. 

Earlier this year I visited South Africa and this turned out to be a tipping point in my journey. I got confronted with the realization that the way of thinking inside of boxes, in separated classes of people, that historically has been forced upon the country and of which the effects are still visible today, how extremely harmful that is but at the same time, also how I was still thinking sometimes within those same boxes. I found it a crazy realization that to me, finding out that there was a specific group of ‘coloured’ people, besides ‘Blacks’ and ‘Whites’ initially brought me comfort. I felt like I could finally ditch the feeling of not being Black enough and not being White enough. But this segregated group thinking is of course just another construct of oppression.

This trip for me was a tipping point initially in the wrong direction. I left the country with more questions flying around in my head than ever. But what changed after was that I found other mixed-race people and we talked about our individual and shared experiences. And sometimes things can be as simple as that. During these conversations, it was the first time I heard someone express that he identifies with both sides of their background, and the person next to him says that he mostly feels one way but still appreciates the other side and I realized that both perspectives were perfectly valid. There is no right or wrong and nothing is set in stone. There is so much power in finding and having a community and being able to share and learn from each other. I think that's something that I didn't experience that much before and which was very valuable to me. I always thought that this was sort of ‘my battle’. A problem that I created for myself and I needed to solve for myself. But it wasn't.

You don't have to do anything. Your heritage doesn't come with a list of requirements that you need to adhere to. It doesn't come with rules, limitations, or expectations. Take your time to explore, if you want, or just take your time to be who you want. In the end, we don't need to find our identity. It is already here. It will change and it will evolve, but it will always fit us like a tailor made suit of our own unique fabric. The only thing we can do is embrace it. 

Also never allow someone to make you feel like you don't belong. It can be challenging, especially when you may look different from your peers, when they don't always understand your perspective, or when you are repeatedly asked 'where you are *really* from.' However, none of this means that you are not right where you belong. You are perfect as you are. Be patient with yourself and simply have fun.

For a long time, I felt I didn't quite fit in here or there. However, I never doubted that I belonged right at home, in The Hague, with my parents. They mean the world to me, and I couldn't have wished for better role models in my life. They taught me by showing me what is truly important, and I'm immensely grateful for their presence.

Of course I did go through all my experiences, so I wouldn't be surprised that I gave certain elements of my ‘potential character’ not that much room to develop. But I feel that's a bit of a grey area of ‘what if's’.

To this day, it's common to use the terms ‘halfbloedje’ or ‘halfbreed’ to refer to someone who is mixed. However, this term never sat well with me. In my head I could just hear ‘half bloed, half goed’ meaning something like ‘half breed only half complete’ in English. It implies that you can't be something fully, as if you can only claim your right to be for 50%. I don't blame others for using it in the past, as I even used it to refer to myself previously. In general, I try not to blame others for saying something that affects me. Words are limited and it is a process to find the ones that work for everybody. And it's a difficult process as the meaning and loading of words also change over time. But at this point, I came to realize that I prefer not to refer to myself as ‘half’ of something. 

I also know that people often are just interested and they are trying to make a conversation and be nice. So I try not to take it personally and see it as most people intend it; which is oftentimes just as a conversation starter or a compliment. I have the same experience with the ‘compliment’ that I got quite many often, that goes something along the lines of ‘*I'm normally not attracted to Black girls, but do you know that you are very pretty?*’. It's a ‘compliment’ that I literally hated, as if it's an insult in its finest, not only to me but to everybody who looks like me. But what makes it hard is that behind the flawed words I could always see the good intentions. Oftentimes these comments come from a very good heart, so that's why I never really could blame someone, although I did make me feel inferior. It's a hard balance. Like I know people are to be kind, but you are actually saying that I made it to the top of the bottom.

That being said, I do feel happy to be living in this day and time. I have the feeling that things that were said without any thought a few years back are already not done anymore today. It's amazing to see how people are making an effort towards understanding how your words affect people, and trying to streamline the words you choose more with the actual intention that you have. Because oftentimes the intention is good.

I don't know much about it but I'm very intrigued by Japanese and Southeast Asian culture, because of their beliefs, philosophy and food. I would also love to learn more about African culture and my Caribbean roots.

I don't know if something like a ‘soft culture’ exists, but that is probably how I experience both of my cultures. No ‘hardcore’ traditions, but just being within a space and enjoying everything about it. So within the time box I would include my favourite ‘soft culture traditions’: spending a Sunday afternoon with family at the beach in The Hague, going for haring with my Dad, and stealing some kibbeling from my Mom. I would include watching the sunset with my parents in Curacao, at a specific spot nearby the place where my Mom grew up. And I would include those large, chaotic family gatherings, mostly around my Dad's birthday. Both sides of the family are there. My parents cook tons of food. There are more bottles than people and so much laughter; I would definitely include that one as well.

I work at a pretty diverse company so I would say that we are represented within the organisation. That being said, I never feel that the mixed-race community is really one community. I don't feel a strong connection to other people within my company, just because they are also a mix. Maybe that's something that is worth exploring, as I do know that learning from others has brought me a lot this year. 

That being said, specifically looking at my work environment, I also don't feel like this is a space where I want to have more emphasis on my heritage. Although diversity is great and I like to work among a diverse group of people, I wouldn't know what additional or specific recognition I would need or want from my colleagues or management.

I've walked around with some many thoughts and feelings locked up in my own head for nearly thirty years. And it hasn't been since I started reading about similar stories on platforms like these and connecting with people who are going through the same process that I was able to feel really grounded in my own experience. So I really came to realise the importance of creating space for these conversations. 

This experience has driven me to do more for mixed-race kids growing up today, which is why I've written a funny and sweet children's picture book for kids aged 4 and older. It's meant to make them feel that each individual is a perfect mix, who is perfect just the way they are, and who fully belongs wherever they are. I'm very passionate about this topic and would love to talk to anyone who has an interest in the same who wants to connect on this topic. I believe that our community is our key, we just need to find each other!