English | Mauritian
I believe my parents met on the eastbound platform at Barking station. I understand they concealed a lot of elements around my Mum’s heritage to avoid discrimination around an interracial relationship, making up that my Mum was born in south-west France!
I knew as a child I was different but I was told I was White. It didn’t work in 1990s Oxfordshire and I felt shame and a lack of myself belonging as a result. Whenever something didn’t go my way, or like I went on a date and the guy didn’t like me, I thought it was because I was dirty, foreign. I even texted dates afterwards asking if they didn’t like me because I was foreign. I must have looked nuts. This followed me throughout my adulthood. I then did some hypnotherapy in 2020 (over Zoom!!) to retrace some of my childhood steps and find acceptance. It was an amazing experience and laid a lot of ghosts to rest even if I haven’t confronted my parents about my childhood yet. Following my hypnotherapy, I ticked ‘mixed-race’ in our surveys at work for the first time in my life in 2020 and this was a proud moment.
In 21st century London, many people regard me as White. It has taken a long time to recognise myself as mixed-race and yet also reconcile that I have White privilege. I’m not sure I will ever reconcile it completely as my childhood experience was so different but it has made me more aware of the discrimination other people of colour face and given me more of a voice to call it out.
More recently I was told ‘you wouldn’t know you weren’t White’, this was meant as a compliment! As if to say ‘but don’t worry… you got away with it!’.
I now view my skin colour as beautiful And although I haven’t faced all the discrimination that many people of colour would have done, I view my ethnic identity as giving me a window and a voice to call out microaggressions. These days, I feel more at ease but also recognise the privilege I have as broadly White-passing. This is a double edged sword.
I don’t know any family in Mauritius (where I have never been) so I wouldn’t know how to connect to my culture there. Most of my family moved to England, France or Australia in the 1960s. But I had French as a low-key second language growing up via my Grandmother (and school of course). But I know nothing of creole language, culture, cuisine.
My workplace has some way to go in terms of achieving full representation of diversity, but does huge amounts to strive for this and ensure all voices are heard, so no complaints there. I think colleagues are often surprised that I’m half Mauritian. People don’t really know what that means (and nor do I, for that matter), am I half Black? Half Indian? Half Chinese? Half French? Actually, where’s the box for ‘both all and none of the above’?!!
I don’t have one role model in particular, but I feel inspired by the recent movement among some celebrities to de-anglicise their names in recognition of the importance of their culture (Eg Thandiwe Newton).
The most recent time I cried was breaking up with a very kind, gentle man who was perfect on paper but I just didn’t feel the chemistry for. People seeing it must have thought I was the one being broken up with! But I think I just felt such a release of emotion having been treated so kindly, and a sense of relief overshadowing my doubts as to whether I was doing the right thing.