British | Jamaican
I identify as Black mixed-race. My Mum is White British and my Dad is Black British Jamaican. They met as teenagers through mutual friends in Bradford, Yorkshire. I think many often stereotype this as the ‘typical’ mix when they think of mixed-race people. My parents were still teenagers when they found out they were having me. I’m not sure if they thought about how to combine their ‘different cultures’. I’m not sure they knew what this specifically was, other than the obvious visible differences. I think they did the best they could with what they knew at the time.
Interracial relationships are not a recent phenomenon; however it would have been undoubtedly harder for my parents than a modern-day interracial couple in the UK. My Mum has told me stories of White strangers assuming she had adopted me and people showing aggressive distaste when seeing my parents together. I find it upsetting when people express distaste for ‘racial mixing’ as it is as it denies the humanity of mixed-race children. On the other hand I find the fetishisation of mixed-race children extremely problematic.
I didn’t choose my partner based on race; however it was very important to me that the person I chose to spend my life with understood me and my lived experience of experiencing racism. My husband is Black-British Caribbean. I do feel privileged knowing that I can discuss my race and experiences of racism with my partner, without feeling like I have to justify myself. I think a lot of attention can be given to mixed-race people and who they choose to be in a relationship with, as though it makes a statement about who we are and what ‘side’ we are choosing. It really is none of anyone’s business.
My family is undoubtedly the biggest gift of being mixed-race. I remember childhood experiences with them so fondly. Sunday dinners at my Grandma’s, the excitement of what Jamaican dish I can smell walking up the driveway. Playing at the seaside with my Granny or queuing for hot cross buns at Easter. I am so grateful to have such diverse, loving experiences growing up. I also think being mixed-race gave me an early lesson in racial nuance and empathy. I have always felt connected to anyone who is marginalised and pride myself in being able to see the humanity in everyone.
Most negative experiences have been related to anti-Black racism. I have learnt that I experience privilege from being light-skinned and having proximity to Whiteness, however I am mostly racialised as Black by non-Black people I meet. From obvious racist slurs and aggression, to general othering, it has always been a common occurrence to be treated as an outsider.
Ashamedly, I internalised a lot of anti-Blackness as a child and felt as though I wasn’t ‘mixed’ enough in my appearance. I desperately wanted to have lighter skin and loose curls (essentially, more Eurocentric) like the other mixed-race girls I met growing up. This was compounded by regular comments and questions I would receive from friends and acquaintances: asking me why my hair wasn’t ‘softer’, why I was darker skinned than my mixed-race cousin, and expressions of shock when I had a deep suntan.
Conversely, I also felt ashamed about not being Black enough, as though I disappointed others by not living up to the stereotypes projected onto me. I thankfully do not feel like this at all anymore, however I do feel sad and ashamed thinking about my younger self.
Food is undoubtedly how I feel I connect to my cultures. I love food generally and it tends to be the first thing I remember about visiting different places. I love cooking and I’m quite proud of my Caribbean dishes that I learnt from my Grandma. My Mum is a great cook and I also love hearty Yorkshire dishes too.
I’m sure there may be other people with the same ‘mix’ as me that disagree, however I’m not sure I have two very distinct cultures. Although my Grandparents had Jamaican accents and could speak patois, English was their official language and they were Christian. Aside from the marginalisation they received because of race, I do not think my Black family was extremely different to my White, working class family.
I went to Jamaica at age 7, and have extremely fond memories however, I’m not sure if I understood the connection to the culture of the time. I would love to go back someday and Ideally would like to find out about my ancestry prior to slavery.
My outlook has considerably changed growing up. I mentioned before that I internalised a lot of anti-Blackness as a child. I hated my appearance and constantly felt different to everybody around me. However, maturity, hindsight and counselling have helped me to become very grateful for my Black mixed-race identity. I simply wouldn’t be myself otherwise. On bad days I felt almost apologetic of my existence. I felt as though my identity had to be defined or sanctioned by others, but now I feel very firm that only mixed-race people can label their individual identity.
If I was to be born again I would hope to be born the same way I want to have my beautiful children and my amazing family if I wasn’t who I am already. That being said, it would be better to be home with better self-esteem.