British | Filipino
I’m Filipino-White British, and I’m also autistic. My Mother came from the Philippines and my Dad was born and brought up in England. Back in the 70s, my Mum was one of many nurses who were hired over to the UK to work in the NHS. She found a job in a hospital and eventually and ended up in charge of a shift my Dad was working; he was a nursing assistant who had moved to Essex from London.
Mum had been in the UK for a few years when they met, but she was still trying to acclimatise to living in an alien and sometimes unwelcoming culture. The part of the UK she lived in wasn’t multicultural and she was often seen as an outsider. Dad was on a similar journey; he experienced culture shock when he moved to Essex as he was not used to seeing predominantly White faces. He had grown up around many different cultures, having lived in London all his life up to that point. Mum said that his working with and being friends with people from different ethnic and religious backgrounds meant he was more accepting than others she had met. She said he made the effort to learn more about the Philippines and bridged the cultural gap.
I don’t think my views on interracial relations are very different from my parents. They encouraged me to be proud of my mixed heritage. However, I know they dealt with a lot of discrimination and harassment from White English people for their relationship. The attitudes of people at school about my mixed heritage, especially teachers, had an impact on me, making me feel like I had to conform to English culture whether I liked it or not. I’m glad interracial relationships have become more common, but racism hasn’t gone anywhere, there are still ignorant people who see mixed-race people as ‘half’ of something, incomplete, rather than a whole.
My culture does have an effect on how I choose partners, in that I looked for people who were brought up with similar values, but it also made me hyper-aware of some people’s assumptions about other cultures. I’m married now, but when I was dating I hated it. Most of the people where I lived and worked were White, and they had little exposure to other cultures or backgrounds. The Filipinos I did know I had grown up with, they were my childhood friends and they were like family, I wasn’t going to be attracted to them! It meant that I tried to seek out partners who were open to cultures other than their own and sadly this didn’t happen often. When I met my husband, who is White, we clicked because we shared similar interests and positive points of view on how cultures can mix together. However, we also both shared a sense of not always fitting in, for different reasons. It gave us common ground.
I love my family and the community I was brought up in. I’ve always felt welcomed by Filipino family and friends. There are ingrained values around making sure you are as friendly and hospitable to people as possible. Considering I grew up in Thatcher’s Britain, when selfish individualism and greed were promoted, I look back at my childhood and think of how lucky I was to have been a part of another culture which prized community, acceptance, and responsibility to others above all else.
I’ve dealt with many challenges, usually from ignorance. At primary school, my teachers told my parents I needed to stop speaking Tagalog (Filipino language) at home as I was ‘confusing’ my classmates when I occasionally said some Filipino words. The teachers also insisted it would ruin my English skills, and Mum was worried about my education. So, I lost my bilingualism and a connection to one culture. I began to associate anything Filipino with ‘not fitting in’. It took years to undo the harm the school system inflicted.
Being White-passing, I’ve often had my ‘reveal’ of mixed heritage be treated with surprise, suspicion, disbelief and sometimes hostility. Luckily, I’ve never dealt with anyone being outright aggressive, but I’ve still had some unpleasant reactions. The really disheartening ones are when people don’t even realise they’re being racist. When I was a teenager, a friend’s parent thought it would be fun to ‘guess’ my ethnicity (this was after she used a racial slur to describe my mixed-race heritage). She thought I came from Italy or Turkey. When I wearily but politely said my Mum was from the Philippines, my friend’s Mother said, ‘Oh I was close, they’re similar, aren’t they?!’. I don’t think she appreciated my annoyed reply of ‘They’re on a totally different continent, so no, not really’. I get fed up having to prove I’m Filipino as well, but I’ve grown in confidence since I was a child. I’ve come a long way from crying at the supermarket when I was 10 because the checkout lady thought my Mum was my nanny and refused to believe me when I said she was actually my Mother.
Racist White people will say the most offensive things when they think you’re the same race as them. I get at least some satisfaction from seeing their faces when I say, ‘huh, my Mother’s from the Philippines’ on the odd occasion I’ve had someone make racist jokes about Filipinos or Asian culture. Mostly, I just get frustrated that this stuff happens and that many White people are still surprised when I tell them.
I connect to English culture mainly through music, books, comics and television, but that’s because I’ve grown up in this culture. However, food is how I connect with my Filipino heritage. I associate Filipino culture with the parties we went to, where everyone would bring huge plates of food and insist on refilling empty plates. It was communal, and about gathering together and looking after one another. We ate Filipino food at home, and my Dad learned to cook it as well (my Mum’s lumpia shanghai is the best, though). It made me feel like I at least had access to a part of my culture. Language was a barrier that meant I couldn’t enjoy films or TV from the Philippines as it wasn’t often subtitled. But food? You don’t need to know how to say ‘spoon’ in Filipino to be able to eat a plate of tocino and rice! My sister has kids now and we’re teaching them the finest fusion cuisine from our childhood: Yorkshire pudding stuffed with beef, rice and gravy.
I’ve been twice to the Philippines when I was younger. The first visit when I was very young was amazing. I started to learn Tagalog again and met my extended family. However, I was older by the second visit and experienced culture shock. I felt out of place and had begun to see my Filipino heritage as something I could no longer connect with. I’ve managed to get past this, but it took a long time. I want to go back, some day, but travel costs are a massive barrier.
I was taught to feel a lot of shame about being mixed-race during my education. My parents and family tried to shield me from this, but I started focusing only on my English heritage. I look back now and feel quite ashamed of how I tried to jettison a part of who I was just so I could fit in with what others expected. These days, I feel more pride and have more confidence. I’ve embraced who I am. I tend to avoid saying I’m ‘half’ anything, because I’m both.
If I had the opportunity to be reborn I’d like to return how I already am. If money were no object, however, I’d like to be able to spend more time in the Philippines as well as in England.