German | Angolan/Portuguese

Photo credit: provided by subject

My Mother is German, my Father is half Angolan & half Portuguese. I didn’t grow up with my Father which is why I identify as German. However, I always knew there was something more. A part of me I could never really explain.

I used to tell my friends my Father was (only) Portuguese because even at a young age I knew there was a negative stigma around ‘Africa’ and being Black. When people found out about my Angolan heritage, the reactions were mixed. People thought it made me more ‘interesting’ and called me ‘exotic’. Others said, ‘You are not really Black, you look White. 

For me and many Afro-Germans I have met, being Black has less to do with actual skin color and more with history and life experience. When you’re being treated differently, how can you identify as White?

Because I’m light skinned and easily White passing, I don’t have the same struggles as my Father for example, but I always have to explain myself and people have assumptions about me. Some want me to choose one identity while others don’t even ask me and just decide for themselves.

Even though I identify more as German, I could never say I’m only White because for me that would mean ignoring Angolan history and the life my Father and Grandmother had there. People need to understand that you’re not only one thing. You can be German and Black. Nobody really knows this about me because I’ve always struggled with explaining myself. Seeing the question marks on people’s faces whenever I do talk about it, does not encourage me to continue the conversation.

The older I get, however, the more I understand I don’t have to give people the perfect answer. I am who I am, and I am totally fine with not limiting my identity to only one place, one culture. Life is all about figuring out who you are and that should not depend on other people’s opinion but only on yourself. Even though I’m still struggling sometimes, I’m fine with not having all the answers yet and I’m encouraging everyone to not feel pressured to explain yourself all the time. Be who you are!