English | Turkish

Photo credit: provided by subject

My Mum was born in England, my Dad was born in a small village in Turkey. My Dad was studying at a university in Wales and my Mum met him when she went to visit friends there. They've both educated each other on their cultures. My Mum went to Turkey with my Dad and met his family, that was the first time she heard a Mosque calling. Originally she thought it was someone shouting outside, now she loves that sound! She learnt about Ramadan, has learnt little bits of Turkish, just all the little Turkish traditions and culture specific to Turkey, like how we greet a guest coming to visit, the community life, even little things like mealtimes.

One of my Mums favourite things (and mine too actually) is making bread from scratch with my family. In fact my Mum loves Turkish food so much, my Dad cooks it for us on a regular basis, that she prefers some dishes to English food!. When my Uncle in Turkey got married a few years ago, that was really special because that was the first time me, my Mum and my brother got to really experience a Turkish wedding and see the differences between Turkish and English celebrations. Now we travel to Turkey every other year and the Turkish culture is just a big part of her life, despite her knowing very little prior to meeting my Dad.

From our many trips she's visited so many landmarks in Turkey and learnt their history and stories, such as Ancient Side ruins, the Horse of Troy, we saw a historically based dance show in an amphitheatre. She's always so interested in learning more.

Similarly, my Dad now speaks English perfectly, she educated him on traditional English foods (he'll never understand the difference between cottage and shepherd’s pie I think), she has introduced my Dad to her family here, and there is nothing my Dad loves more than a good cup of English Breakfast tea. My Dad has learnt about how culture is different here to Turkey, my Mum and Dad have both learnt about the celebrations in both the countries they were born in, how they are celebrated differently, and my Dad learnt about my Mum's upbringing differing to his. My Mum growing up in a small English village and how different that is to growing up in a small Turkish village.

My partner wouldn’t necessarily have to join in with my culture or traditions if they don't want to (if they did that would be amazing though!), but they at the very least have to accept it. It's a big part of my life and if I meet someone who can't accept that, from me or my family, it won't work. And I think respecting includes being mindful of their behaviour and such. I would never ask someone to change for me, but I think it's about knowing what is appropriate or not around me or my family. An example is in Turkey, my Nan is quite traditional, and it would be disrespectful to her for a future partner to drink alcohol in front of her. Not only that, not being afraid to ask questions and educate themselves. I'd rather be with someone who would ask questions and learn about the Turkish way of life, what it's like growing up with a Turkish Dad and English Mum, Turkish culture and heritage in general, than someone who makes assumptions or stereotypes that can sometimes be a little upsetting to hear. Little things like that. If someone can't both accept and respect my culture or traditions or whatever, and has no interest in learning about what is a big part of who I am. They're not for me.

It is only since I moved to London really that I started to be more open about my dual nationality, the cultures I've grown up with and picked up on, being able to speak Turkish, all of it really. A lot of that was just due to fear. Growing up, I never hid I was half Turkish, but I was never openly shouting about it either, but I still had people make harmful assumptions about me and my family, my upbringing. People seemed to forget I was born in this country, like that was irrelevant! So that small part of me I was open enough about regarding my Turkish side, I hid even more. When I moved to London, which is such a hugely diverse and accepting city, I felt more comfortable to be myself and be open about my Turkish side. I think it helped in London meeting such open-minded people there, then I went to Turkey to visit my family after my first year moving to London. I felt so at peace and I felt like that year visiting especially, I properly found who I was. It got me thinking, why am I having to hide half of my own identity out of fear of other people’s judgements? That's when I stopped hiding my Turkish side of me and became a lot more open. I still have a long way to go but I have noticed the more open I am being, the happier it is making me.

On the flip side, there are parts of my identity which I have had to hide from my family, nothing bad, but just things that I worry would be a bit of a shock to them or change their views on me. Especially because my Dad and my family started growing up in a small village, and whilst they have moved to cities and towns now and they are all loving, supportive and quite open minded, I think the parts of me that I keep separate from them are: something I don't think is important, it doesn't change anything in our relationships, and if they don't need to know, why share it, and secondly, just due to anxiety not knowing how they'd react.

I think my parents were lucky, both their parents were accepting, My Nan and Grandad in this country never had an issue with my Mum and Dad getting married, and my Nan and Grandad in Turkey were the same. I think they all just had the view that as long as they make each other happy, that is all that matters. I hope that is still true today. We live in such a diverse country, and world, so whilst I hope we have come further in terms of accepting interracial couples, I am very much aware there is still a lot of hateful people in the world. I think a lot of views on interracial relationships can be learnt directly from parents and grandparents, and being a child of an interracial couple themselves, I share their view, if both people are happy then so be it!

The positives are that I have such strong family relationships with my family in Turkey, and my parents. In Turkey, I never feel alone in my identity, because my family are all there, we are all sharing and living our culture there, and I see my identity in them, because I've learnt from them. In this country, I don't feel completely lost, but I do feel a bit more lonely. I'm away from my family who are like me, thankfully I have my Dad who I can relate to and talk to about my identity. I think I've felt less alone recently since being more open about my Turkish side, and that came with me moving to London, as by being more open, I've met more Turkish people and found friends which helped me feel less alone.

Another challenge is breaking down the stereotypes and pre-made assumptions people have when they learn I am half Turkish. I've been told 'I don't look it/I don't look Turkish enough' and someone even told me 'They don't believe it'. I guess because I don't 'look' Turkish enough to them. On the other side it's people assuming all Turkish people are the same, and every time people find out I'm Turkish, they start asking about what my religion is, asking questions about my upbringing, my Dad, family, the lot. I struggle with this inquisitiveness, because whilst I don't mind people being curious, it does feel a bit frustrating, because I was born in this country, yet no one seems to care about that side of my identity! It's like they'd rather focus on the part of me that's different to them and what they're used to.

I've never really had to learn about my cultures thanks to my parents integrating them both into my life from day. I live in England and we visit Turkey every other year. I know visiting Turkey isn't the same as living there all the time, but when we do visit it is pretty close as we stay with my family in our village, so it's the true Turkish lifestyle. I do find that even though my cultures have been integrated into my life from the start, every time I visit Turkey I feel like I do learn something different; about me or the culture itself, and I think that is because I don't live there all the time.

I've become more wary, but also more open about my heritage now, compared to when I was a child. As a child, I don't think I really understood why people were so curious about my Turkish side, but I also wouldn't know how to answer the hundreds of questions and comments kids throw at you. Now as an adult, I'm more open, my heritage and culture of being mixed-race is a big part of me and my life so I shouldn't have to hide that. As an adult, I have come to realise that my dual nationality is very important to me, and from being more open and accepting of myself about it, I've become a lot happier and learnt a lot more about myself. At the same time, I'm wary, why should people feel they have a right to know every single detail of my life and upbringing and my culture? If I want to share details, that is up to me. I also think as an adult I understand some of the problems that can come with being mixed heritage that I would never have understood, at least not to this extent, as a child.

I don't meet many people with similar backgrounds to me, and if I do they are generally never in higher up positions in the workplace. A big part of my life is also the theatre, and whilst theatre is slowly getting more diverse (I've been seeing shows regularly for 7 years now) it was only last year I met a Turkish actress for the first time, and she is still the only Turkish actress I know of. It's the same with roles in shows, films, books, they're either largely stereotypes that are incorrect, or non-existent. I remember two books I read with lead Muslim characters so distinctly because it's such a rare thing to see people of a similar or the same ethnic background to me. I never saw or read or had much exposure to people or content I could see myself or relate to when growing up, when I desperately wish there had been, and hope there is more now for kids like me growing up. I do think it's getting better so there is more of a chance for my background to be represented, but I still think we have a long way to go. I hope one day this changes.

If I had the opportunity to be reborn I would want to return exactly the same as I am now. It's been a bit of a battle, with myself, friends, strangers, with accepting myself, but I wouldn't change it for the world. I am who I am, and I am proud of that. My culture and heritage are a big part of me, I've grown up with it but also learnt about it and myself as I have grown older, and by doing this I have only become happier. My mixed-race dual nationality makes me, me.

The pandemic has been hard. My mental health has been suffering a lot, but I've been lucky to have friends who have been incredibly supportive that make even the worst days manageable.

We cannot stay silent when it comes to racism. These problems aren't going to magically go away overnight, there has been racial inequality as long as anyone can remember, and having conversations, educating people, calling out racial inequalities and actively trying to bring change is what is needed. If you hear someone make an offensive assumption or stereotype, call them out. Explain why it is offensive. Even small things like that can chip away and make a difference. I think it's also taking responsibility, people who have privilege can use that to speak out on racial inequalities where they see it, to advocate for those who don't have the same privilege they have. In the end I think it comes down to learning, speaking out, using our voices and our ability to take action.